I need advise please.

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Hi, i am scallywag, and this is my first post.

Actually i am in love with an Aspie, he is the most wonderful guy i have ever known - he is highly intelligent, has a heart of gold and is soo loving and it is my dearest wish to understand why he needs hours to answer a question i asked or he may not answer me at all and often gets upset with me over practically nothing.

I so wish to learn how to avoid conflict and arguing which we both detest yet often he just flares up with him telling me: "you just don't understand me do you?..."

Then he goes silent, won't talk at all.

Are mood swings also charectaristic in Asperger's syndrome?

i am just going through similar stuff. a girl is trying something with me i don't understand what it is good for. we can have no future anyway (different story). i like her a lot, she is very nice, but it makes me nervous. she wants me to answer her messages and sometimes i don't see it necessary (if there was no question), so why should i do that? or why cannot she at least wait few hours for me to remember in middle of all the other things i do? now or later, i don't see the difference. she keeps asking me questions like 'what if i waited for you?' or 'how would you feel about that?', i don't know what would happen few years from now and i certainly didn't think about how i would feel about anything. i'm not moody person, but it makes me nervous.

it's different situation from yours, apparently. but it seems to me like you pressure him into things that are difficult for him, although easy for you.

Welcome to WP!

Tim

It takes hours to answer a question because either it takes us that long to formulate a response (if you meant that he doesn't give you an answer for hours) or it will take us hours talking to you to be able to discern your meaning (if you mean the conversation over one question lasts for hours).

If I am highly focused, I do not want to interrupt the train of thought. An easy way to put that would be to ask you to leap out of your bubble bath, right in the middle of it, to take out the trash and wash dishes. You'd say "I'll do that when I am out of the tub, it can wait." Right?

So when the mind is in it's bubble bath, it doesn't want to go to the store or think about bills or answer anything. It's enjoying it's self. What it is that it's enjoying, it might not be important to YOU. But it IS important to your boyfriend. Just as a real hot bath might be really important to YOU to unwind or think or read.

Next, you have to be very specific. And direct. You might even be able to make some things easier for him. Let's say you want to go to the movies, which seems to be a popular pastime.

I don't like the movies. I don't like the uncomfortable chairs. I don't like stepping in mystery sticky, wet, crunchy things in the dark. I don't like not being able to see what I'm about to sit ON (nothing like a chocolate something or other stuck to my butt in white pants...never wear white to the movies...and I HOPE it was chocolate). They are costly. The snacks are costly. The places are crowded. Okay, I'm not a movie person.

If you asked me simply "Do you want to go to the movies?" I'd say "NO!" And maybe run off all that stuff above. You'd never ask again.

However, if you said "I would like to do something as a couple, and I thought going to the movies would be a nice treat. I have checked to see what movies are showing, and these are the movies. I have checked into the show times, and when they clean the place, and what kinds of foods they have available. I would appreciate if you would join me in a trip to the movies."

You can then say that a certain movie house is virtually deserted in the first showing, it's very clean, they have frozen yogurt, real butter for the popcorn that is freshly popped, comfy seats with cup holders, and you can pick up the tickets a few days in advance so that there is no line waiting necessary.

You might say "Gosh, that's a lot to think about. All that planning and discussion." Guess what? That is EXACTLY what I have to do to process a situation. Where is it? How far away? How heavy is the traffic? Is there parking? Does the parking cost money?

Any flaw in the plan and I might have a meltdown. Like heading off for university, I'd already showered, dressed, put on makeup, done my hair, got my books, got in my car, went to school, starting doing laps, looking for parking and couldn't find any, while my gas gauge went down, and my anxiety went up and the clock kept ticking. Ticking. Ticking. I'm late. I'm now late because I can't find parking. Which made me cry. Which made my mascara run. Which I smeared all over my face. Which then meant I had to go home.

If you ask a question, be very clear as to what you WANT from him? Is it a problem that needs to be solved? Or is it one of those NT questions, like "how ya doin'" that doesn't require a response? Don't ask those questions that don't really mean anything.

Tell us what you want! "I would like a complement at how nice the house looks". That's all you have say. That's what you want. If you ask us how we think, you might get a lot more than you bargained for.

Tell us "When I get home, I would like to have a hug and a kiss on the cheek." We'll get it. Don't just stand there glaring at us from the front door. We'll have no idea what you want. We might not even know that you want something. Or even notice you're glaring. Because we're in the middle of a mind bubble bath.

thank you so much, yes, you are probably right coz sometimes i get impatient and feel hurt when he goes into that silence mode...

also i probably ask, way too many questions and i get so frustrated when he takes so long to reply... or doesn't reply at all...

sometimes i even wonder if he has gone to sleep on me, or forgotten that i am still on-line when suddenly he logs off and the next time i ask "aren't you talking with me or what?..." and he'll ask : 'now why shouldn't i be talking with you?"
grrrrr
and he is really surprised that i expected an answer....

hehe, 'why did you stop writing?', that's a question i see a lot in messenger i just didn't have anything to chat about. there was no direct question and i had nothing to ask or tell, so what else can i do? start some smalltalk about a diet?

be less demanding...

I think we tend to be bad at figuring what to say on our feet. He may not be sure how to respond if there's not a straighforward question involved.

hmm, i just realized how, in my point of view, extremely nice it is of you to come here and try to understand him. thank you. i wish a person like you for every AS person most of all for me hehe...

I have been married to a man with AS for 4 years. We've lived together for 9 years. When we first started dating, he would invite me over to his house, and then sit and not talk to me. He would be watching TV and I would be sitting there trying to figure out what I did to tick him off? To this day I don't know why I bothered to stick around. I'm glad I did but it was rough. When he moved in we fought ALL the time because he would suddenly just fly off the handle and then I would cry which he thought was ridiculous and.... it was quite stressful. At one point I had him move out because he really didn't seem to want to be there with me and my sons so I said "see ya" and off he went. After about 2 weeks, he started phoning me for no apparent reason. He would talk about things like religion or science, never about him and me. I tried to avoid him but he would just phone again to talk about whatever. Finally I asked why he kept phoning me when he didn't like me enough to talk to me in person. He also hates making phone calls. That was when I began to figure out that I was not dealing with an ordinary (I hate to use that word) person but I didn't know what was up. I just felt so bad for the poor man that I took him back because in his own way he was showing me he loved me.
It took 2 years to finally figure him out and change the way I acted so that things would be better. We still argue, but I don't bother him at times that I know he is stressed or tired. I went on a road trip with 3 of my kids and he stayed home with my oldest son. He doesn't like to travel and he doesn't do well at social gatherings, so I sometimes go without him. He has his obsessions. Right now his obsession is a show called "Firefly". He bought the series and watches them over and over. He wants to share this with me so I will watch one once a week with him. He's happy and I don't mind. When he starts going on and on about something he knows that I will listen for 15 minutes and then he has to stop bugging me with it. If I am busy I tell him a time that is better and he can talk my ear off then.
You really have to change the way you view romance when you are with an Aspie. Hubby signs the cards he gives me, "with deepest regards, and his full name" or "respectfully yours". People tell me that is horrible but it isn't. He respects me and thinks highly of me which to him is more important than mushy stuff. He may be right. He doesn't buy me flowers because I am allergic (I like them anyway) but he does make me a cheese bagel for my evening snack EVERY night at 9:00 pm. It may not be romantic but I won't go hungry .
The emotional junk that most people have in their relationships is not in ours. I find that it is the best relationship I have ever had and I wouldn't change it for anything. It takes work, all relationships do. I have had to change the most because as an Aspie it is harder for him to change, but I don't let him walk all over me or treat me badly, either. Being an A*S is not part of the AS diagnosis. I think you are lucky and I for one do not think a relationship with an Aspie is impossible. I also have 2 teen sons with AS and I think they will be wonderful partners to some lucky person.

There are some good books about relationship issues and AS. If you check your local book store or on-line you will find them. I have to get to work or I would give you the names. Good luck!

i just had another discussion through messenger with the girl i mentioned before.
it was normal discussion about nothing, i was answering her questions and tried to ask some
then she wrote me, 'what else will you write me?', so i replied, 'i dunno, there is nothing crossing my mind', i've been honest, she logged off without any other word. is it normal for adult, although young, woman to write such stupid questions?

and blessedmom, i admire you, thanks for posting nice story.

True: what a great post. It should be in a book about relationships.
I would not say mood swings are necessarily part of AS, but often are comorbid.
Myself, I lose nouns when starting a reply, and it can take as long as three days to recover the noun. Also, I fall apart when being rushed or pushed. I can get jerky, I can get sloppy, what I can't get is fast. I'm so glad my husband has sympathy for that, and when I say, give me time, he backs off instantly.
When we realize we are devolving into an argument, we usually manage to go away from each other and write down our arguments, edit them over a few days so what we say is not insulting, and then exchange papers, which might result in another round of writing, or might result in agreement, or might result in one of us deferring to the other in an action while still disagreeing in what the action should be.
Luckily, neither of us is sentimental, so there aren't rows about anniversaries and holidays. My husband is pretty self-sufficient, so he is comfortable to be around and not pushy with demands.

Hi Scallywag,
I (like many Aspies) can't read minds by watching faces--meaning I can't tell by looking at the person whether they are understanding me. Sometimes I feel like I may as well be speaking Martian. I love it when people give me verbal feedback about what I am saying! I really helps me to tell if they are getting my message.


Like True said, this is a question that can take a lot of time to answer. Be open to his point of view and be patient.

hi my husband has as he seems to turn off espaly when he is engrosed in one of his special interest he can get angrey and upset for no reasons we used to argue a lot but now i know he has as i just let things go we have split a couple of times but would not whant to be without him