Hello (intro post)

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Hi all. I'd like to say Hi, and try to tell some of my story of what's brought me to Wrong Planet. Sorry in advance for the long post... but there's so much I want to get out, and maybe if I get more out up front, I can spare you all more long posts later Thank you to anyone who reads this whole thing. I look forward to hearing all of your stories too.

My experience with AS
I learned about WP and the concept of Asperger's at age 21, and that was more or less the first time that my life made any sense. It was a long struggle before that, and it's been a long struggle since. For me it's mostly social challenges, and styles of thinking where I couldn't relate to anybody or understand anyone else, even friends. If I'm honest, I have some challenges with memory, planning and executing, multi-tasking (I guess that's all under the category of executive functioning?) but it's never been crippling and I could always pass as just absent-minded. I've never been diagnosed or sought therapy (until recently) and always went it alone, for better or for worse. Nobody seemed to comprehend my struggles with socializing, when I'd occasionally open up try to explain them to a friend they would just get confused. So seeking a therapist never made sense. In hindsight, a good therapist who understood adult with AS would have been so, so, so helpful... but how many of those are there?

So I'm 33 now and have made strides that I never would have dreamed possible. Life has become stable and good. I'm healthy and am married to a wonderful NT woman who works to understand me, as I work to understand her. I have a stable job with a very decent salary, own a house, have a few good friends I can never find the time to see, and feel in control of my relationships at work, with both co-workers and my boss. To me, at least, this is living the dream

It took a long time for life to get good. I was very depressed and struggling almost every day between ages 10-24, ages 25-28 were years of real growth but were still very rough, and since age 29-ish, life has gotten truly satisfying and exciting. It's as if the trajectory of my life had a positive slope this whole time, but things started out so low that only in the past few years has it finally crossed from a negative value on the y-axis to a positive one.

I won't tell my whole life story here (although I certainly would for anyone who would listen ). But the recent story that has brought me here is this:

What brought my AS back into focus for me now
I've been together with my partner for 3.5 years, and married for almost 1 year. In the year leading up towards my wedding, I knew I loved my partner and couldn't imagine life without her, but I was struggling with serious doubts and fears that I just couldn't nail down. I found a great family counselor and started seeing him to help sort out what I was feeling. After maybe a half dozen sessions, I brought up my self-diagnosis of AS, and it quickly became apparent to both of us that the things I was struggling with stemmed from my AS. Things like the fallout of engineering myself to survive in a world of NTs, wearing the aspie “mask” (reference to planetautismblog.wordpress.com/2017/06/13/the-root-of-autistic-masking/), and much more. I had tried to be honest and open in my relationship but these habits were holding me back from truly being myself, and it was too much weight for me to imagine bearing for the rest of my life. I didn't realize this all at the time and really laid some tough stuff on my partner, she would hear me out when I had all these issues with us (really, me) that I couldn't properly explain, and even though we're much better, I know it's been tough for her ever since.

This revelation for me was one year ago. It's really been in the past 6 months that I've been learning and processing about my AS and sharing with my partner. But it's all so familiar to me that it comes quickly and I've largely recognized, processed, and resolved the biggest things that were been bothering me about getting married, and things are feeling really great.

I hope that joining WP and trying to keep active in these forums is a way for me to get more into the AS community and maybe help tap into my own identity a little more. I've spent my entire life since age 10 trying to be an NT and, for better or for worse, I think I've done really well at that task. But now that I'm out of survival mode, I can no longer live my life like that. I need safe spaces where I can stop pretending to be normal, pretending that my social competence isn't forced, pretending that I'm thinking/feeling the same things as other people, and putting up a front of confidence and comfort interacting with people outside of close friends. I need to find safe spaces where I can take off the mask, and stop trying to appear normal and "cool". My relationship is becoming one of those safe spaces. And I think maybe WP could be a place like that too, where I can put my mask down for a while.

Mentoring goals
I'm feeling really good and stable in life, and I think this is a good time for me to pursue a dream of getting involved in mentoring or other support for local aspie / on-the-spectrum kid(s). Maybe through the Big Brother / Big Sister program, but I'm still looking for other opportunities and programs out there. And if I'm working with kids (or anyone) on the spectrum, I don't just want to help them learn how neurotypicals work, how to fit in with them, and how to succeed in an NT-dominated world. I also want to teach them to find their own identifies and be proud of them, to understand and find autistic space, and to know not just when they need their masks on, but when and how to take their masks off and be themselves. If I'm going to help someone learn those skills, then I'm going to have to learn them myself.

So, here I am...
It's a little scary for me to post in WP because, other than the last 6 months with my partner, and a few hours with a therapist, I don't have much experience interacting with people without my mask... Where I am not pretending (to varying degrees and with varying degrees of of success) that I am a normal, naturally cool person. Where I'm not pretending that I could comfortably interact with people, should I choose to. I don't feel like I recognize myself yet without it.

This admittedly too-long post is my first stab at putting myself out there in an autistic space. Please go easy on me for a while as I may need some calibration. I hope hope hope hope hope that this all goes well and I am accepted on your Planet, and I can maybe have some fun and make some friends here

I would love to hear any of your stories, too, in a post or PM, and would love to hear if anything I've said resonated with you.

Thanks for reading.

Rob

Welcome! That's great that you have a supportive partner and are doing well. Feel free to ask me any questions you want.

Hi Rob! Welcome to WrongPlanet !

I read through your whole story, and I really found it interesting and I enjoyed it a lot. I definitely relate to much of what you said, and I think you will find a lot of people here who also do. I definitely relate to the part you said about your life making sense when you found out you had Asperger’s. That was also true in my case too.

In my case, I discovered the term Asperger’s when I was 12 years old. Up until that point, I had thought I had many other disorders, but nothing really seemed to fit. When I read something about autism online (actually it was a Google image), it was a lightbulb moment, but I was also very confused. All the people I knew who had autism had severe cases, and I didn’t want to say I had autism if I didn’t have it. After many more months of research, I finally discovered that Asperger’s was what was going on and I was diagnosed. All the signs seemed to point towards ASD, and like you, I also had social difficulties and executive functioning issues. I also had sensory issues that got a lot worse under all the stress I was under. Around this time, I began to mend relationships with my parents and siblings that I had pushed away before because I was so preoccupied with other disorders. I finally felt happy, and I never had to worry about anything ever again.

Of course, that wasn’t how it happened when my biggest obsession (I have OCD) of my life was triggered that I still have to this day and is progressively getting worse. I was also diagnosed with severe OCD, but not until 7 months after I got the obsession! See, I was born with OCD as a result of my autistic brain wiring (at least that is my theory), but I had never had an obsession this bad before. To this day I haven’t ever taken any medication for it, but I’m being paid to take it in about a month and I really hope it helps. Have you experienced any comorbids or anxiety with your Asperger’s? I know you mentioned depression- I deal with that too because of OCD. You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to- just curious !

Anyway, that is my “diagnosis story” . You are definitely accepted here, and I hope you are able to take off that “mask” and be comfortable here! You are always welcome here! I know WrongPlanet has been amazing for me, as I have made many friends here and I hope you are able to have as positive of an experience as I am !

Thanks guys for the welcome! And thanks Stampy for sharing your story. So many people associate autism with more severe cases, as you did. I did before age 20, and my wife did before I "came out" to her. It's too bad, since it makes it so much harder and more confusing for us to identify our own issues. I also think it makes our acceptance in mainstream society much more of a challenge..

I think that's really great that you've been able to talk with you parents and siblings about your diagnosis, and how it explains some of your past behaviors. I hope they provide a good support system for you over the years, nothing makes this stuff easy but as I'm learning a little later in the game, this isn't something you have to face all on your own!

I don't mind answering about comorbids, there are none that I have really identified, other than depression. I think that was a lot from loneliness... even when I was with good friends and sometimes (maybe often?) even with partners, I still felt lonely. I rarely felt like anyone really "got me", and certainly nobody ever got the big side of me that was my AS and all the coping/mask-y stuff.

I also think I have a mild sensitivity to light/stimulation and stress - I'll often come home from work, after sitting under fluorescent lights, and find myself kind of despondent and with a fuzziness in my mind that makes it hard to function or interact. It's a struggle to even exchange a few nice words with my partner. I figured it was just being burned out from work, but when I recently came across the theories about AS minds being easily simulated, it got me thinking that maybe the severity and frequency of these burnouts is due to my mind being sensitive to stress and stimulation (both social and light induced). I got some computer glasses that filter out blue light and it really seems to help. I also am taking 20-minute breaks in my car, in a parking garage, and try to eliminate all stimulation. That helps a ton, when I can squeeze them into the day. Nobody's seen me yet to ask what I'm doing

That's about it, I suppose I have it easy in that way! Thanks for making me feel welcome

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Hello

The first time someone 'got me' was the lady who did my autism assessment, finally I made sense to someone, I burst into tears.

Glad you feel your life is mostly going well now, I'm sure you will be able to give some good advice on wp. I am finding it great, as I am still the only Aspie I have met in real life. It's been three months since my assessment and I'm sort of coming out about it, I've told family, and a few people I was at school with (a long time ago) but I'm not ready to tell all, because I live in a small town and I'm applying for jobs, customer orientated ones. Coming on here where communicating is in such straight forward manner is such a relief in an NT world.

I too can 'fake it', but it's exhausting, and people read all sorts of things into my subtext, I haven't got a subtext, I meant what I said