I tend to ramble, so it might be easiest to do this in categories. But I'll probably still ramble.
Why I'm Here
Mostly looking for resources. I'm currently looking for a diagnosis, and if I manage to get that, I'll want to find therapies and other options.
I also feel it might be nice to have a place to talk about the things most people don't seem to understand. A co-worker and I recently bonded over sock-texture problems, and it was surprisingly gratifying. It would be cool to meet more people who get it.
Why I want a diagnosis
I like knowing things. Not knowing something that is pretty much a yes or no answer makes me uncomfortable.
I imagine it would also give me a certain amount of closure and validation. My boyfriend sometimes says he thinks I want to be diagnosed because it would give me an excuse to continue ineffective behaviors. He's half right. I will admit that I do want to know if this is why I can't seem to make or keep friends, why my mind completely blanks when faced with an angry customer at work, why I have to listen to my favorite audiobook to get to sleep. But it's not so I can have a card to flash at anyone who complains: "Can't help it, I'm autistic."
It's so I can know which habits I've made are unhealthy, and learn how to replace them.
But yes, in some small measure I also want to be able to say "I told you so" to all the people who have criticized my ineptitude at certain things, the people who think I don't drive just because I'm lazy, people who can't understand what's so difficult about making four phone calls for appointments in one day.
And, if I can use both the diagnosis and the self-awareness I think it will lend me to move upward in my career in a direction that will pay well and not give me constant anxiety, that would be a definite plus.
Why I think I am on the spectrum
Clearly I've already dropped a few hints.
It all started about two years ago when my mom read an article about a woman with a sensory processing disorder, and gave me the magazine saying the woman reminded her of me. Some of the things the woman talked about definitely struck a chord with me, but it didn't quite fit.
Not long afterward I went through a depressive phase, so I didn't look into it further. But it was in the back of my mind, and little things kept happening that made me think about autism and related disorders. Finally I took the Aspie Quiz, and scored around 140/200 neurodiverse. I took it with a grain of salt, knowing it is not a diagnostic tool, and that ND doesn't automatically mean ASD. But it gave me the impetus to get to the bottom of this. I wrote up a list of symptoms to bring my psychiatrist. I tried not to be biased toward autism, but wrote about everything in my life I've had difficulty with, that others seem to find easy. Everything that made me feel different. Everything we hadn't already covered while talking about my depression and anxiety. The list included things I already knew were linked to autism, like:
-hating tags on some clothing, and being unable to wear wool
-biting the insides of my cheeks
-watching my favorite movies and reading my favorite books over and over
-sensory seeking - When I walk down an aisle of towels or bedding at the store, I feel compelled to touch them
-getting hyperfocused on video games, books, internet use
-loud noises make me flinch, I plug my ears when a train or something with a siren goes past
- I don't like making too much eye contact
Others were things I wasn't sure were linked to autism, but had always made me feel different or even challenged somehow, like:
-being abysmally had at sports, to the point where I would avoid them at all costs, and once burst into tears when my father tried to get me to shoot pool when I was 12. Anything that takes that level of coordination and spatial judgment, I'm bound to fail at.
-driving makes me extremely anxious, I have to rehearse my route several times and use GPS.
-I hate talking on the phone
-I don't like using a person's name when I talk to them. If I don't know them well, it feels possessive. If I do know them well, it seems overly formal.
-sometimes I concentrate better on a visual task when there is unrelated audio input. Oddly I prefer movies or audiobooks I have seen or listened to many times over music. And conversely, if I watch a new episode of a show I am very familiar with, I follow the story much better if I'm not watching it, but instead doing cross stitch or something. If I watch and listen, I often get distracted by visual details and lose track of the dialogue. This is why I often have to watch new things with captions on. The text demands to be read, my eyes go straight to it, and then I don't miss what is being said. I do miss visual details though. I think this is what caused me to overlook a huge plot point in a show I've seen a dozen times. I never noticed a certain character disappeared suddenly between frames, indicating they were a figment of another character's imagination. Sorry, ranting...
-small, inconstant noises will keep me awake at night. Cant sleep if theres a smoke detector near the bed, because of the blinking light. Rhythmic noises, and especially white noise like a fan, will help me sleep.
-in school I refused to use the erasers on my pencils, because I liked to make them rounded, and rub them with my thumb while studying
- I don't often know what people want of me unless they tell me. And I often have trouble telling if someone is lying, joking, or being polite.
-until very recently, I would not drink milk unless it was close to freezing. Something about the texture, or the creaminess.
After I talked for a good 40 minutes, my psychiatrist sat back and said, "Has anyone ever suggested you might be on the autism spectrum?" He said there were many things I said, and even the manner in which I said them, that made him suspect autism. It was weird, I somehow expected him to come to some other conclusion, to dash my suspicions. But I felt so relieved somehow.
After that, I realized even more odd things about myself. I won't bore you with the weeks of revelations I had. But even now, only a few months ago I made another realization. I have never felt in sync with my body. I never dance, I have a horror of something you're supposed to be creative with, and yet which has rules that I can't grasp. When I settle down to play a game or read, or lay down for bed, or even sit down to eat, I am finally aware of the fact that I don't even know how to position myself to be comfortable. I can't tell if what feels good now will leave me aching later. The other day I had to ask my boyfriend, after months of doing the same job, how I should open the overhead doors at my work. I have to start from the ground, and push it up far above my head, requiring a stepstool. I finally realized I was probably doing it wrong, and that's why my shoulders hurt so badly.
Anyway, that was way longer than I meant for it to be.. Thanks if you made it through that.
And Hello. You can call me Kiki.
19 Nov 2017, 4:57 pm
It sounds like you have a lot of autistic traits. Good luck with the diagnosis.
