t's been a minute since I last blogged on here. It was from February '08 when I went to the Super Bowl in Arizona, alone. It is now November 2017, and a lot of things have happened since then, but I have to be honest, I really don't know what to say about a lot of it. I am blogging at the recommendation of a therapist. It's worth noting that I have rejected a lot of his other suggestions. This is now my 10th, 11th, 12th, 13th?? Therapist/Doctor since 2008. Unfortunately I've had many experiences but not a lot to brag about. I'd like to make a list of highlights of the last nine years.
Before we start -- let me preface by saying my childhood was a safe one but had many challenges -- My home was always unstable. My loving father made sure his children wanted for nothing. And so naturally I never wanted for anything, but had everything I needed and more. Throughout this time my Mother began to feel isolated and neglected and as a young child of 4 or 5 I was left to pick up the pieces. I frequently felt like an adult despite being a child. We moved houses often in those days and so I never really was able to connect with other people my age. As a result my interests, behavior and hobbies resemble that of an older person but with the body and appearance of a young adult.
During my younger years I spent much time watching TV. My life around me was incredibly complicated; laser-disc players, large screen TV's, surround sound, gaming systems, abstract art of painters whose names I couldn't pronounce, German silver and handcrafts -- you name it, we had it. In a large sense I never had to do the things most kids my age had to because there was simply so much to be distracted by. At the same time all I craved was simplicity. My neighbors always seemed "normal" -- working people who spoke differently and seemed to be more at ease. Where my mom made broiled lamb and Brussel sprouts my neighbors were making spaghetti and canned sauce.
Going into primary school I was teased a great deal due to having an Asperger's personality, being unathletic and being very small and thin for my age. I never wanted for anything -- only to have more friends, some real skills and just the need to stop feeling so different from everyone. College and adult life was naturally a quiet disaster. I stayed out of the spotlight as much as possible. I would spend nights and days in bed avoiding novel situations, people and events that were outside of my comfort level. To this day I remain an active recluse. I do not like any form of social media, I avoid social engagement, find it very difficult to sustain hobbies or interests in anything other than my repetitive thoughts. I have considered suicide on many occasions. It is worth noting that I have never self-harmed in my life. I somehow am able to escape the dark hole of depression by forcing myself to sleep or by spending energy on activities that keep me busy. I earned a Bachelors degree and a Master's degree in 2002 and 2006 respectively. I earned a degree in a subject area I could not gain employment in..likely because I was living in the same space in my mind as I was as a child -- the wanting to feel like I could fit in but never fitting in and never figuring out a way to be a successful outsider. The more I battled with others and myself the further I would alienate others. I couldn't keep up with conversations, and I could not shift them my way either. In short, I never had tangible success in life and sought out many ways in which I could avoid it all together. Including:
Drinking heavily and during inappropriate times
Spending money on frivolous items
Taking sudden, spontaneous road trips to meet people I talked to online
Watching cartoons from the time I came home until evening, often neglecting school work or being unable to concentrate on school work.
Playing video games into the evening hours, often challenging babysitters and my parents often.
Snacking compulsively
Sitting alone in the dark
Reading about specific subject matters -- while on my father's boat in 1989 and unable to be of much use I would stare into the water and worry about the Jellyfish. I decided to read everything I could on Jellyfish and I also was very interested in Professional Wrestling and so this is how I would spend my time on my Father's boat. It helped to deflect negativity and anger. My parents divorced that fall and I then began therapy after a poor performance in school. I hated fishing I hated tying knots and I hated everything else about the boat, I hated being around my angry Dad and I hated how my parents always fought. I would watch as much pro wrestling as I could, I didn't care about all the audio products we had, I didn't know anything about music other than what I would hear on video games, some popular stuff my peers (didn't have real friends) shared with me. I did violin and I hated it. I liked music that didn't have words or didn't have meaning. I would play these songs over and over in my head, I was so into it. It pushed me and it motivated me if not for a brief, insane, bizzare moment.
I made up words and ideas in my head for a year straight that had no bearing on reality. I don't know why I did it. I would tell my friends these words and ideas. I secretly did not know they would only come and hang out with me to laugh at me and make fun of me. This is still happening to me...at age 38.
I would stare out the window and tune out the world completely. I could be in a bus or a car, it didn't matter. If I couldn't talk about what was on my mind, I couldn't talk at all. Usually what was on my mind had nothing to do with what people were talking about.
I would develop a fixation to things I would engage in -- I would write down the entire roster of baseball teams, memorize numbers to players and the like. I would daydream through class and as a way of tuning out boring teachers I would in my head, recite the rosters or memorize the Presidents in order. By age 4 I was reading on a 5th grade level and was able to name all states and their capitals. I could not add, I could not write a complete sentence, I didn't know what the Constitution was about and it bored the hell out of me. I am ashamed to say this but its true.
It was as if my mind needed order and structure. Any kind of conversation or input did not fall in the real of my rigid way of thinking was rejected. Most topics were brushed aside because they did not satisfy the craving my brain had for the information wanted at that moment.
This created a lot of anxiety for me. I would often "space out" and return to conversation with a random thought or comment. I might also cope by blurting out or saying random things ..made up words with thoughts spurned from things I had just seen or read and then manipulated into an idea or story.
I had a very vivid childhood which was sort of ruined by middle school -- I don't think this is unusual for anyone really, I am just wondering if anyone else has had this experience and may in adulthood trying to "recover" it to live a better quality of life...at least I am -- I know I will not be a success in the traditional sense, so I might as well try to be more successful in my relationships.
I hope I didn't go on too much and I provided some food for thought. What do you all think?
28 Nov 2017, 5:52 pm
I don't have any friends left (they gave up) which is why I went for an ASD assessment but I am beginning to make some on here. It's nice to be able to mention problems without them being dismissed as nonexistent (because it wouldn't be problem to them) or silly (obsessive behaviour) with people who just as weird as I am.
