Hello everyone,
Unfortunately, it's severe social exhaustion and anxiety that has brought me here. The truth is, I don't know if I'm truly an aspie or not. I'm self diagnosed, and from what I have read, I believe you would call me a chameleon since I've developed many coping mechanisms for attempting to seem "normal" in settings where I do not feel comfortable, and have learned the hard way to disguise many of the tendencies that make me seem strange to others since childhood. I'm an adult now, but that doesn't make it any less difficult. I do know I have pure-o obsessive compulsive disorder, which is also a daily struggle, along with social anxiety.
There are many things that factor into my desire to learn more about myself and whether or not I may be aspie. But the major one is the fact that so many of my friendships have a tendency to fail, which affects me deeply and for long periods of time. The problem is, I don't quite understand how other people work, or why they think and do the things they do half of the time. I often find I am more content to be by myself with my video games, my writing, or my action figures than with people. I'm fully capable of entertaining my own mind without the social battering rams of small talk and gossip and drama that seem to circulate in other peoples lives.
The friends I do have are always somehow involved in one of my interests. I'm not trying to sound cold or unfriendly, but I'm just incapable of connecting to people on a deeper level if they don't somehow engage one of those interests. I'm very good at pretending to enjoy someones company and replying in appropriate manners that I believe are correct, but I can't help the fact that I feel nothing for small talk or "life talk" about relationships and don't really know how to contribute. People usually talk at me rather than talk TO me, and I find it exhausting to constantly wrack my brains in order to find something appropriate to say.
Its not that I mean to sound like a jerk. Its just that my brain seems to refuse to engage any of these topics. Its a difficult feeling to describe. As if there's a mental wall in place. For the longest time I thought I was simply introverted, but there's more to it than that.
I dislike making eye-contact with people, and hate the feeling that they may be staring at my face or facial expressions. This could have to do with my social anxiety, but then again, the development of my social anxiety could be because I was an aspie all along who has struggled to cope with things that are considered "normal". As I've grown older, I find these problems are getting worse. I'm no longer capable of concentrating on more than one person at a time if multiple people are talking to me in the same room. I become overwhelmed and easily angered if several people are trying to give me instructions at once. I hate being woken up early or suddenly, and can break down if I am pulled abruptly out of sleep (I can't control this reaction. The sudden surge of adrenalin makes me feel like I want to cry, which is annoying because I don't actually want to react this way.) I need significant amounts of alone time in both the early morning and evening to either mentally prepare myself to get up or to decompile from a stressful day. I'm also fairly certain I have had what one might call a melt-down when things become too stressful for me to deal with. They are emotional outbursts I am incapable of stopping.
I also feel as though I am mentally far older than others in some areas, while I'm seen as backwards or immature in others. For instance, I enjoy creative writing and the development of complex stories and relationships between characters. Yet I'd rather play my videogames or spend my extra money on my action figure collection than start a family of my own. I'm very imaginative and always have been, and prefer to spend time in my own head creating things rather than attempting to build the relationships people think I should be having.
There is far more I'd like to say, but this is already an enormous wall of text, for which I apologize. If you read this, thank you very much for your time. Believe me when I say it's very much appreciated.
05 Dec 2017, 8:24 pm
