I'm Em, I'm almost 24, and I just learned I'm autistic. It's been very... enlightening. I'm realizing that it's been the cause of so much abuse I've faced and so many relationships falling apart. I'm great at BS-ing and faking my way through things to an extent, and I do have some level of emotional intelligence, but it's entirely from studying people intensely my whole life (largely because I wanted to be an actor/screenwriter for my whole life pretty much). But I can never keep up with it, the charade usually falls. I've had people stop being my friend because "I'd only talk about what I liked" (not true, I realized those people were super dull and passionless and I'll listen to people talk about things they love I don't even care for). I've had so many teachers and authority figures punish me for things I didn't think/get were "wrong." I've internalized a lot of "bothering and annoying people are bad" but I struggle to realize I'm bothering/annoying people in the moment. And this internalized ableism about autism has made my relationships with more, I suppose, "obviously" autistic people hard because I'm worried I'm going to start mirroring them or that they're going to bother the NTs and that, as their friend, a value judgement will be placed on me, or that they'll realize I'm also "annoying" or what have you.
I don't know. I worry that my hypercritical-ness and rigidness with these social rules I've learned will keep me from forming any deep bonds with other autistic people, and I'm worried that my meltdowns when there's an awkward situation that I can't handle/my lapses in being able to follow those rules will keep me from forming any deep bonds with NTs. And this isn't to say "ugh I hate autistic people," it's certainly not malicious and "it's not you, it's me." I've just realized I'm so uncomfortable socializing with anyone at this point, and I'm super lonely, and I want to fight this internalized ableism because there's certainly parts of being autistic that I really like and I'm definitely not one of those "cure autism" types at all but my 24 years of being alive have conditioned me that I'm inherently wrong and other people don't deserve to be around me because I'm the worst for reasons I don't even get. I don't know. Anyone else get what I'm saying? Any advice for learning how to cultivate relationships with other autistic people and with NTs? Any advice for getting over realizing every little "off" thing another person does/stop getting anxious over it?
(Also sorry if this is the wrong place for this, again I'm new and I'm confused and anxious about everything ah)
19 Dec 2017, 6:10 am
