Anxiously New

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Hi. I'm new, obviously. It's taking a lot of willpower to write this out, as I'm having an anxiety attack that's threatening full-blown panic.

I'm genuinely terrified of the responses I can get. I've seen similar situations and it gets really ugly. I'm tired of being this "weird" individual who doesn't fit in anywhere. Exhausted, really.

I'm 30. I've been in and out of doctors (read: psychiatrists, psychologists and therapists) since a failed suicide attempt at 15, who can't seem to give me a solid, consistent or accurate diagnosis. First I was Bipolar, then it was just clinical depression and GAD, then I had Borderline Personality Disorder, then I didn't have any of those things and it was "tentatively" severe anxiety, social anxiety and C-PTSD. I seem to have the misfortune of being assigned docs that retire or quit not too long after seeing me, so I really never get anywhere. I've never had the same doctor longer than 6 months.
I came across Asperger's during some research into common misdiagnoses. The more I read about it, the more things fell into place. All the way from my earliest years (e.g. 3 years old, can speak impressively well but behaves as though deaf and doesn't respond to name) up to today (incapable of holding down a job due to burnout/meltdowns, exp physical pain from over-stimulation in loud/bright/chaotic environments, always has and still fails spectacularly at socialization).
For the last 3 months... just realized it's actually been that long, wow... I've been hyper-focus-researching for about 8-12 hours a day, at least 3 days a week. I feel like I finally found a door and got it open after being in a dark, lonely room where people come to badger me about being "weird" and "not acting normal" for my entire life. SO much makes SO MUCH SENSE. I had my Mother watch Tony Attwood and Amythest Schaber videos on YouTube, and she was shocked. My parents didn't know anything at all about Autism. At the end of it, she said "Omg, you're Autistic! So THAT'S what it is. Well s***, I wish I'd known." She's not only willing, but excited and happy to come with me for a diagnosis. Even my Husband and Sister admitted that it explains just about everything.

So it's not official, but it's a certainty at this point. So hello, everyone. I have no idea what I'm doing. *insert awkward smile here, I'm great at those* \
If anyone has any good references for getting diagnosed in California (likely with Kaiser Permanente as insurance, we're in the middle of a switch), please let me know. I've tried looking up things on websites but I have no idea what to do with all those links, which to choose, what to say when I DO choose one... I'm useless when something is brand new and I have too many choices available.

Welcome, CoyoteKat. I was diagnosed as an adult and while it didn't change anything specific about me...it clarified so many of the questions I'd had about why I am who I am. I've liked myself a lot better since then. I think you'll find people here are wonderful - I'm fairly new myself, but feeling more and more comfortable in the virtual company of quirky oddities like myself. I think you'll like it.

Thank you, very much MissChess. That's exactly what I'm looking for from a diagnosis. I want to be able to feel comfortable with and like who I am instead of feeling like there's something wrong with me because I'm "not normal".

That's a relief. I certainly hope all goes well.

Welcome! I'm on Kaiser too, and I think first you meet with your 'main' therapist, who can refer you for testing. Sorry to hear about all the confusing and conflicting diagnoses you've had along the way. There's so much overlap between all of these conditions, but I too have found it incredibly helpful to understand ASD, in coping with my own issues.

Same here - and after finally getting on Kaiser a couple years ago, I saw my 'main' therapist 3 or 4 times, before she moved away too. It definitely makes it difficult for them to get more than a superficial glance at your issues, but I hope this time you have better success. (At least with Kaiser your file will be passed on to the next therapist, if that happens!)

A warm welcome, I was diagnosed as an adult myself. You have found the right place as you feel you are a misfit, relax here, if you can relax at all. Welcome again, and with extra warmth.

Thanks. I figured that's where I'd have to start, since Kaiser was the only insurance my parents had and subsequently was my insurance for a long time. I made the disastrous decision to try Blue Cross... never again... I'm just so wary of the head doctors there now. They insist on minimal disclosure, which.. why?!... and they Guinea Pig-ed me with meds at 15. My Mother nor I knew that the medications they were more or less throwing at me conflicted with each other and most of them weren't even supposed to be prescribed for the issues they claimed I had. I'm just really soured on them, and it makes me feel like it'll be a dead-end road with them. But I guess I have to start somewhere, right?





That seems to happen A LOT with Kaiser. It seems kind of careless. I mean, they must know that they're going to be transitioning soon, so why take on a new client? Maybe I'm expecting too much.

I certainly try to. The laugh you just inspired definitely helps. Thanks.

I understand that Kaiser Permanente is quite good with autism diagnoses. But, to help you better, ask for a diagnostician who understands and has experience with autism in adults.

It might be a little too early to start, but making a list of all your behaviors, characteristics and comorbids (other related diagnoses) is a great way to keep your diagnostician (and yourself) on track.

Good luck with your pursuit!

Thanks AspieUtah!
I'll be sure to ask.

I already wrote some things down to keep track of during my research, so I'll probably try to organize the notes better and add stuff on.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Thanks Anonymous.

Welcome!

Sounds like you've been through the wringer a bit. Hopefully you'll get the answers you're looking for.

I was diagnosed a few months ago and it has certainly helped to ease the negative perceptions I had about myself for not fitting in.

Best of luck with getting a diagnosis (I'm from the UK so can't be of help in that regard).

Thanks Kii. I practically LIVE in the wringer

Welcome to WrongPlanet and it's many forums & subforums, during your tenure here may you find a great deal resoruces to help you deal with all sorts of difficulties within you life.Lastly, may you find a great deal of meaningful conversations imparting information which is very helpful to you.

Thank you very much Kazanscube. ^-^

Your Welcome Miss LittleCoyoteKat