A Smidge About Me

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I felt like I should post a brief explanation of myself, since I "don't represent (myself) well" most of the time in average conversation.

I came from an abusive broken home and family. Physical, emotional and sexual. My Father's side of the family was really all there was, my Mother's parents died when I was 3 and 10, and we didn't really speak to the rest of them. I was frequently the family punching bag. I was considered a "half breed" and not worth much. They either thought I was somehow defective mentally and felt sorry for me but really wanted nothing to do with me, or they were abusive and cruel. My Mother was overprotective and so I rarely left the house, except for school, including just going outside in our yard. School wasn't much different, I was teased/bullied, but mostly pitied because clearly I was "special", though gifted, and couldn't tell I was too different from the rest of them. Granted, I didn't realize it until Jr. High School because I really never gave my peers that much consideration or thought.
So I grew up in relative isolation, receiving no invites or requests for companionship aside from those who would use me (usually they stole things from me) and quickly leave and never speak to me again, among domestic abuse, violence and "discipline". My parents knew nothing about Autism, forced NT behaviors from me through various methods, and to this day my Father insists that I'm lying about anything and everything to do with having to see any doctor in the field of psychology because there's no such thing as mental illness or disability (except for the extreme obvious cases, the kind that require full-time assistance and medial care), just weakness.

I had one best friend in High School, thanks to Independent Study because I could no longer handle the intensity of everything to do with public school. She stole from me for 15 years, lied to my face, and spoke about me behind my back. I wasn't aware, the whole time, of what she'd been doing.
Everyone has lied to me/used me/abused me and thrown me in the gutter, save for 2 people. I do not trust anyone. I do not like and attempt to avoid engaging in confrontation. I am not afraid of others, but afraid of myself. I have anger management problems along with everything else, due to the unfailing helplessness I felt during my childhood at the hands of mean, horrible people. It's a very werewolf like process, when I reach my limit and cannot control my anger reactions. I change as a person, completely. I become loud, aggressive, violent and cruel with an accuracy that tends to leave it's mark on people. I regret my actions so completely afterward that I cry or become severely depressed for weeks. So I keep to myself mostly, if a situation even has a vague whiff of a slight hint that it could go south I will withdraw from it, using measured and emotionless speech/words. Sometimes it comes out clipped or short, even dismissive. It's really just me trying not to be mean to anyone. It's not something I enjoy, I take no pride from it, no sense of accomplishment or achievement at "winning" arguments or fights.
I was taught how to communicate in a very formal and grammatically strict manner as (to their minds) it was the best way for me to communicate, and so my syntax and flow (I've been told) is reserved, withdrawn and cold. I've also been told that although I try to be comforting sometimes, I do well but still miss the mark quite often. I have immense difficulty in correctly understanding/processing context. As a result I misunderstand people more or less ALL THE TIME. It's very frustrating and discouraging.

In summary...
I take no issue with people being who they are, thinking what they like.
I prefer not to fight.
I have a lack of trust in people and in life, and so I do not try to make friends.
I can come off as unfeeling and distant, or cold, blunt, superior etc even when I'm really trying not to.
I'm terrible at communicating.
I don't intent to offend anyone, I don't think I'm superior/better/smarter/wiser.
I'm at best a beaten dog that managed to escape and at worst a wild animal.
I'm no good at understanding someone's intent, nor hints, so it's best to be specific and say things plainly.

I'm sorry in advance that I suck at being human, and if I have upset or offended you it was absolutely not my intention to do so. As much as I don't trust people, I still don't wish badly for others or want them to be how I think they should be, and I still retain the capacity to appreciate people when they're kind and thoughtful.

You need not worry about sounding offensive - I've heard about people with similar struggles throughout their lives. Not everyone is lucky enough to be born into a family that cares for and supports them. It's just life. And I don't blame you for avoiding confrontation.

Anyway, welcome to WP.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

You don't suck, you're an amazing person, a survivor. Those who choose ignorance stay ignorant. I am sorry you never had anyone that supported you, nor treated you the way you deserve to be treated, which is with love and kindness. A belated welcome to wrong planet, you are home where you always belonged. So Greetings and Salutations fellow spacefarer.

You're most welcome LittleCoyoteKat. Take care.

Welcome to WP.

You are a brave survivor.

I sense that you have lots more virtues than you think you have.

All wounds can be healed with time, in my opinion. I don't believe people are ever permanently "broken."

I'm also a believer in the concept of "the past is the past," though I don't believe in just denying it. I believe in learning something from it.

Thanks Temeraire!

Thank you Kortie. You're definitely not the first to tell me something along those lines. My very, very small circle of people in life (edit: people I choose to be around, not people I have to be around, my people) try to remind me of how "awesome" and "strong" I am. They do their best to be supportive and loving, in light of the delights of my past. It's really very wonderful of them. They're good people, and they don't even realize it.

It's hard for me to see compliments as anything to do with myself though. I feel it has more to do with the person presenting the compliment's perception. I'm just me.

I think some wounds can kill. But not many. Most heal. I'm certainly covered in scars. The problem arises when some assailant reopens the scar tissue, which unfortunately happens more often than it really should and it's likely a result of my bleeding heart overruling logical sense, keeping me in a loop of continued exposure to such people.

The past is only useful when lessons are taken from it. Otherwise at best it's just watching an old movie over and over again, and at worst it's hell.

I. Do not. Take kindly. To being called. Or INSINUATING THAT I AM. A LIAR.

Negative, aggressive assumptions made about my character will be met with EXTREME HOSTILITY and rage. If you've read this, you've been warned. I've been s**t on my entire life, made to feel like I'm NOTHING and have NO VALUE, and despite that I do my best to be fair, honest, kind, loving and open and if someone behaves in a manner in their personal lives that I disagree with then I disagree but I don't condemn people for who they are unless they're HURTING someone.

So I don't appreciate attacks on my character. I especially hate when it's insinuated, implied or expressed outright that I'm a liar/faking something/making things up/etc. ESPECIALLY when the person doesn't know anything about me.

I absolutely do not deserve to be treated that way. I don't accept that kind of treatment anymore and I never will again. It's hurtful, it's mean, it's cruel, it's unnecessary. I've had and have enough abusers in my life, I don't need more, thank you.

I figured I'd post this here, in my Smidge About Me, because it seemed relevant and also I am f*****g FURIOUS right now.