New Year, New life

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Hi all, 52-y.o. female here who was diagnosed with ASD/Asperger's on New Years Day. After 30 years of being (mostly unsuccessfully) treated for severe major depression -- including multiple hospitalizations, a serious suicide attempt that put me in ICU for 3 days, dozens of rounds on the [useless] medication roller coaster, and a month of electroconvulsive therapy in my mid-30s. The ECT did wipe out some long-term memories, but it also helped more than any medication and the depression has been stable the past 17 years since then.

I'm a programmer/analyst, managing data for federally-funded research studies. I've been there for 16 years. I loved my job up and was really good at it, up until the past couple years when my role changed and I had to interact with a lot more people on a regular basis. The worst thing was I was forced to supervise a narcissist who believes "the rules" don't apply to her. What happens when you put such a person together with an Aspie who lives by and for "the rules?" Well, it wasn't pretty. I was slowly falling apart as a result, and ended up taking medical leave the last 2 months of 2017, as I'd become completely non-functional and unable to communicate. Thankfully, I got in to see a neuropsych very quickly, and did a full evaluation and history with her, which led to the AS diagnosis.

I've been on a quest to learn everything I can and to find people I can talk to about this (which is surprisingly difficult since I'm very close to a major Autism research center). That search has led me to find this forum online, and I'm very grateful to you all for being here (and reading this). I'm still digesting what this means, but first and foremost, I am experiencing such a profound sense of relief! I feel like I can let go of a lot of guilt and shame about things I've done, and people I've hurt over my life. That's not to say that I'm not sorry for hurting anyone! I still recognize that I need to continue to work on modifying certain behaviors that may hurt others, but I can now lay aside the burden of feeling that I hurt people because I am a horrible, antisocial, selfish, heartless/soulless, unlovable beast. I can now focus on the knowledge that my brain is simply wired differently, and I can empower myself to get the life I want by simply finding the right tools to work around my neurological differences.

Anyway, I really haven't gotten to talk to anyone about this yet except my new therapist (who I've seen once since my diagnosis, and who will be helping me build my new toolbox . So thanks for letting me share this here! Looking forward to getting to know some new peeps!

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

I can relate to how you feel. My AH HA moment came just a few months ago. I am pleased to have a neurological explanation for so many of the ways that I am "weird." I also appreciate that so many of the things that I have wondered about me neatly fall into the pattern of aspies. Since I like patterns, this is especially nice for me. So, welcome and enjoy.