Introducing myself

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Hi everyone,

I'm 22 and I've joined this forum in order to learn more about autism and possibly about myself too. I'm currently undiagnosed but I'm planning to have a kind of pre-assessment pretty soon (it's not just about autism though, it's also about depression, ADD and stuff).
I've known about Asperger since I was 16 but because I couldn't fit into the stereotypical math aspie, I thought "oh that can't be me!". Yet I had pretty serious social issues so I just put all the effort into trying to be more "socially acceptable" for the other people.
And recently I started studying a bit more what Asperger really was as I was having communication and interpersonal problems with my boyfriend. We're still together but we had to go through a lot!

The thing is I look so normal on the surface that people don't pick up my "quirkiness" inside. Yes of course I look shy, awkward and a bit child-like. But that wouldn't make me necessarily an aspie.
Yet with my boyfriend that's different. I can't pretend to be "socially acceptable" all the time. I think I'm really different around him. Like for example, I'm not afraid to fidget, bite my nails, basically stim around him. I'm not afraid to talk endless about my interests even if at some point he tells me "Stop!!". With him, I'm also learning how to understand certain forms of humour and sarcasm. With other people, I would be afraid to say I didn't understand a joke.

So here I am now! I hope to finally understand what's wrong with me. :/

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Thank you!!

I never thought of myself as aspie either, due to the mostly male stereotypes and the emphasis on, like you say, being a math-whiz. I began to suspect when I found some articles on the manifestation of aspergers in girls and women and suddenly it all became clear. If you google something like aspergers in women you can read these articles for yourself. Meanwhile, welcome to WP.

Yep I've read several articles and seen videos on "girls with autism". I can really relate to their stories, more so than the "males"! But personally I don't like this "females v males" thing. I think the differences in symtoms have a lot to do with how girls and boys are educated and I feel sometimes this is not clear enough. In my opinion, girls and boys are not fundamentally different. I could be one example of this bias. I had a non-binary education if we can it that way. My mum let me play with dolls but also with building blocks (like LEGO). So I guess it had an influence on my development and it could explain why I relate to "girls with autism".

Anyway just wanted to say that!
Thank you for the welcome!

Welcome to the forum

That maths stereotype of autism is really unhelpful.

It's normal for Aspie/HFA people to seem normal in public but then reveal their traits when around people they know well. This is usually a result of childhood bullying and criticism: they know they should, according to popular opinion, conceal their traits, but it's too difficult to do it consistently so they come out around people who won't mind.

I tend not to stim unless I'm nervous or feeling 'on the spot', in which case I can't help it. Oral exams are awful for me; I stim like crazy.

Hey arth_96,
I'm new here too. I hope you enjoy it.
There's nothing wrong with you. Just keep being the best person you can be and the rest will come together.

Yeah this is the worst stereotype like.

Yeah and then you can't hide your traits to close people forever. Like you said it's too difficult to do it permanently. Personally it just happens for me, I just reveal my traits without even fully realizing it, especially if I see the person pretty often.
I have to say that even from this point of view I think I had a particular development, which sometimes makes me doubt about Asperger. But we're all different and I'll only know for sure with a specialist. Actually, I had an autistic-like behaviour until around 5. I was hyperlexic (but quickly started hiding it from my teacher and my peers), very quiet. But then I somehow managed to make friends, be more "sociable". Yet I remember being so scared of being looked different, changing the class for a more "appropriate" one and stuff. So I guess as a child I was managing pretty well. But then I didn't handle the change of school at 12, my father's death (which sometimes I believe is the cause of my problems but I can't be sure either). I couldn't understand the rules, the "social rituals", the jokes. People constantly made fun of me and I was unable to defend myself properly because I somehow lacked the tools to defend myself. I won't go into details but it was hell.
Then I moved abroad to learn "back" the social skills. But it only worked partly. I think it's because it's not like early childhood anymore. You have the social demands, college, work and stuff now. So yeah it's not easy but hopefully I'll make it!

Sorry if I went off haha

Hey that's great! We arrived at the same time!
Thank you! I hope this advice worked for you.