Undiagnosed, F, 42 (& parent), is autism why I'm fkdjkfdj?!?

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Hi everyone!

I don't know if I belong here, but I sure feel more comfortable already than most places bc of social weirdness acceptance, sooooo.

I'm a woman (I think), 42, a parent of two young uns, the 3yo with half my genes is currently suspected to be on the spectrum so trying to process that.

(My 3yo is, I am told, showing some signs of being on the spectrum, though others disagree. I'm not the best person to ask if he's "normal", LOL. I'm going to try to get a definitive answer one way or another from someone actually competently qualified.)

More demographics for me. I'm Australian, Anglo-ish, queer, disabled, atheist, single. I've spent most of my adult life with depression, anxiety, chronic fatigue, other health conditions, and in general a huge problem with being an interactive, productive, healthy member of society (thank god for welfare). I have trouble keeping in touch and in sync with friends, and have almost none atm. I was a super smart creative nerdy shy sensitive kid. I studied computing and scientific philosophy at uni and took forever to pass and finish.

I've had a lot of bullying and abuse, and feel like a naive trusting babe in the woods sometimes, despite having a lot of anger and cynicism and black humour. I just wish people would be transparent and honest. I can pass as "normal" socially if I've got the energy to and have had some recent practice. Sometimes I have no filter and I'm super loud and exhibitionist, other times my tendency to second-guess myself, and lack of confidence and certainty in what is "truth" holds me back. I feel constantly overwhelmed by life and everything, and struggle with basic life skills. Sexually only BDSM makes sense to me, loving gentle touchy-feely sex doesn't. I'm compulsively creative but have been stymied by a need to be super super competent, completionist, categorical and "theoretical", which I'm unlearning, so many incompleted interests and grand visions dammit.

I've had a lot of counselling and psychs over the years but no one has suggested autism. I don't think I stim in any regular way, though I sometimes vibrate to relax like I've got too much nervous energy, or I go for a run. My first cousin has diagnosed high-functioning autism, and my full-genetic brother is mid-30s, lives with my parents, had learning difficulties as a kid, is occasionally employed in tech support, is a social recluse, has some incel tendencies, has occasional violent outbursts, and spends all his time playing video games. My parents think autism is a "trendy diagnosis" and hence doesn't apply to him (only my cousin), god knows what he thinks, I'm scared to ask, but he launched into a passionate defence of the validity of autistic people once. I have quite a few genetic autism markers according to Promethease, though I don't know how common, useful or telling that is.

I obviously feel like a Very Special f**kup and maybe I'm just looking at autism (or sub-clinical) to be a convenient explanation, I DUNNO, in which case there might be a roadmap of practical strategies to get unfucked. Maybe I'm just a tragic example of INTP-T gone wild. At any rate, I think I'd need a psych used to working with older women good at masking, to tell me definitively or no.

HIHIHI ALL!! !! !!

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Thank you!! !