New here: Female, diagnosis in mid 20's - confused about it.

Post Reply New Topic

Hey there. This is my first post on this website, and I'm writing because I've been confused trying to cope with receiving a diagnosis.
I was always a very shy child. In my early 20's I became more aware of myself and starting "questing" to know myself and feel better. At some point along the way, I considered that I could "have" Aspergers, but I didn't do anything tangible with the idea. A few years later, the thought returned to me and I was possessed by a determination to see a psychologist and actually seek diagnosis - or be told that it wasn't true. I made certain to do my research and find someone who could assure me they were familiar with the difficult situation that girls sometimes face when trying to seek diagnosis. I did find someone, and though I didn't feel totally comfortable with them, it seemed like it was as good as I was going to be able to find, given the amount of exhaustion I was already experiencing from the process of researching doctors.
I did end up receiving a diagnosis of being on the Autism Spectrum. But almost a couple of years has passed since then, and that whole time I've been struggling to cope with the idea... at times fighting with it inside and at times trying to dive further into it. I feel very alone and confused about it, and don't have many people to talk to about it. I have told a few people, and for the most part, they seem to respond confusedly, saying they never ever would have thought that to be me. It's funny how even after the diagnosis I am still questioning it. And like I said, there are also times when it seems clear to me that it's probably true, but that I was just so suppressed growing up that no obvious signs manifested... especially when living in a world of people who don't have the eyes to see it. I also consider myself to be one of those who used their intelligence to learn how to behave... probably to the extreme detriment of the development of my personal identity.
Anyway, that's all I'll say for now, though of course there is much more depth and detail and emotion... But I have been really struggling, coping with this change in identity, and I'm here looking for support, solidarity, friendship, conversation, people who see me, and potentially for - slowly, and incrementally - some questions in my heart to be answered.

Welcome to WP, Emilina.

Your confusion, struggles to understand your diagnosis, and even doubts about the correctness of your diagnosis, are perfectly natural. It's been over three years since I was diagnosed, and I still have times when I feel out of my depth trying to understand it all. There are a lot of other late diagnosed people here who have similar stories to tell.

People often say that receiving a diagnosis doesn't change anything about you, because the autism must have always been present. In many senses, that is true, but I don't think it's the whole story. All of our experiences of the past, and all of the aspects of our character, are suddenly revealed from a completely different viewpoint. Some things become much more clear very quickly, but other things require some big changes to habitual ways of thinking, and that takes more time. For some people, just the realisation that their autistic traits will last for the rest of their life can require a period of grieving for their old self or for dreams of being "cured".

Your point about "detriment" to your sense of identity is well made; decades of being a "people-pleaser" to hide autistic traits can certainly do a lot of psychological damage that can feel very slow and frustrating to repair, and will have led to ingrained habits that can't be given up overnight. Be careful not to overwhelm yourself by trying to do this too quickly.

Coming to WP to talk with other autistic people is the best thing that I did following my diagnosis. Formal therapies and even medication do have their place in helping us to live as autistic people, but we can discuss things here that no-one else in our lives is able to understand, and get advice that would never occur to even the best trained "expert" in a white coat. I still have moments here every week when I am gobsmacked by an "aha moment" where a discussion makes something profound click into place. I hope you find joining WP to be as beneficial as I have.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Welcome to Wrong Planet. I only lately came to realize I was an aspie and many things have clicked into place since then. I second everything Trog said better than I can. I have found this forum a treasure of information that seems to grow the more I visit and read. I hope some of the confusion will abate.

Hey, I totally get what you're saying, I came on here for the same reason and have a similar experience. There is a great book I'm reading currently that might help called "Living Well on the Spectrum" by Valerie L. Gaus. I spent a lot of my life just figuring out what was "wrong" with me. It wasn't even until I was 19 aspergers was even mentioned to me. I think it's really good that you are seeking solidarity amongst other aspergians, for a long time I felt "broken", and sometimes I still do, but redefining what you are is essential when confronting adversity.

Welcome, im also female and in mid 20s