Waking up at 43

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Hi,

I apologize in advance for the long intro - I'll try to be concise.

I was diagnosed with depression when I was 9 due to a list of symptoms that were what are now considered a checklist for Asperger's in children (flat affect, disinterest in socializing). Life went on with ineffective treatment for depression, with actual depression developing due to the social isolation that came from the social masking that was my daily persona. I'd been under the impression that I and everyone else were all acting out these social scripts and that was communication. I realized that others weren't acting when I was 19.

Fast forward through 24 years of continued social isolation and I made my way to the Asperger's diagnosis - which I pursued to inform the depression treatment, which I'd otherwise given up on. It's made a huge difference and having recently started a medication that works for me, I have energy, hope, and drives that I've never experienced - all of which feels good and I'm finally moving forward in life.

But I've hit a bit of a snag and I'm hoping to learn some strategies to continue moving forward.

My brain has suddenly been activated: I'm interested in being around others for the first time in my life and I don't know how to channel this energy. I've always been pretty asexual - but I'm suddenly interested in everyone around me and I'm not quite sure how to process that. I want to talk openly about everything going on in my head, but I've been taught that people generally don't like that. I'm looking to find people with similar general life interests - but I'm not even sure what my own interests are.

So - in short I'm at the start of what looks to be a long journey. Any advice on where to look for allies? Also, how do you know when to let the long suppressed quirks out and when to lean on the "social skills" learned from a lifetime of wearing a normal-mask?

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Thank you!

Welcome, Quintzal.

I was diagnosed at 44, a little over three years ago now, and like you, all problems from then back to my teens were attributed to anxiety and depression. I can understand the feeling of everything suddenly becoming so much clearer and wanting to grab everyone by the collar and tell them all about it! However, like you say, this isn't always appreciated, and I've found that other people's reactions can be very unpredictable, even from people I thought I knew very well. I also know how it feels to be a little unsure who you are after years of masking.

My main advice would be to resist the temptation to go too quickly. In the months and years since diagnosis, my feelings about it have been very changeable, and at times, I have over-committed myself to things only to find that I felt very differently about them shortly after. At the same time, you need to discover what kind of life you want to lead now, so do push yourself outside your comfort zone now and then to experiment with new activities, social or otherwise. Each time you find a new one that you find satisfying, you have discovered another little piece of yourself, and your horizon moves outward ready for the next series of little experiments. There will likely be setbacks, where you have a bad experience from something that you thought you might enjoy; but that is also a discovery about who you are, so no experiment is ever a complete loss.

Likewise with disclosure; if a particular trait seems to be hampering a particular situation, and you trust the person, just talk a little about that particular trait without necessarily referring to autism. That usually seems to be received better than an "information dump", and means that you haven't over-committed to disclosure if the other person doesn't seem receptive. It also lets you gently sound out who might be "allies" and who you might be better off continuing to mask with. Always bear in mind when disclosing just how much some people like to gossip!

If you decide to let the mask down, again, take it slowly - people can get a bit freaked out if you change all of sudden like a shape-shifting alien! On the other hand, do try to remove the mask completely at least sometimes, even if only when you are alone; activities like stimming, "special interests" etc. are not pathological "symptoms", they are innate coping strategies that are a valuable part of dealing with stress.

Most importantly, keep active in communities like this one, and don't be afraid to ask whatever questions you need to. After three years plus, I still never cease to be amazed how much more there still is to learn about autism in general and the way that I experience it in particular, and so much of it can only be learned from other people who have lived similar experiences. Forums have also been a great place for me to learn better ways to describe my autistic traits, which has been very valuable when disclosing to people or trying to access services.

Thank you, this is extremely helpful. The drive to info dump is strong and I tend to over compensate to the point of silence. Finding balance is, as with most things, the challenge.

I agree with everything Trogluddite said - excellent post.

I'm also a dumper, and it's not received well.

I find that most people like me best when I'm silent and smiling.

I've tried being 'real' with people that I thought were friends, and they do freak out. It seems like my version of honesty isn't what most want to hear.

As I've gotten older, my filter has gotten better, but there's still a disconnect between how I feel inside when I'm sharing, and how others view me. I seem to come off as very intense, yet I don't mean to.

And I do end up isolating myself because connecting seems close to impossible.

This resonates with me quite a bit, thank you for sharing.

I can't do the silent and smiling anymore - I've stayed out of the way and 25 years has passed me by. But what to do is the question. I'm hoping to start getting out and involved in some local community activities. I'm restless right now and I'm hoping to channel that energy somehow.

Hello and welcome,

I think while you have all this energy it might be a good idea to try different interests to see what you like. Socialising within an interest that is shared is, I think, much easier than doing so in a more general way where the basis is all group dynamics and subtle communication. A common Interest can provide something solid for communication to stick to making it easier to get to know people and for them to get to know you. It makes for a more comfortable start.

I'm also new and 57. I was in my early 30's when I realized I was masking myself just to look normal and survive. I was also diagnosed with anxiety and depression - even though I tried to explain in words and events (well, I used 'pathetic'), that I've never developed socially and emotionally. Its not that I can't do anything an adult can do, It's just what I feel inside that has hindered me from things like making good decisions, socializing (a biggie), communicating, doing what I really want to do, having weird behaviors!@#$, feeling isolated, ....you get it. It's made me realize what a business this is. Therapy and drugs can be a great help if you have the right diagnosis, a customized strategy or whatever to try out,(like what people have posted here..really great advice) but you have to be totally honest, very assertive and very clear about whats not working in your life and the conflict you have about it and more importantly, you have to get there attention and have consistent guidance. (obviously I didn't do that, that's the other problem!!)

Having said all that I'm isolated, alone and getting very lazy!

In this era we are in research phase, it's not a science.

What Trogluddite said is spot on . I also was diagnosed very late and it changed the way I viewed my life and everything around me . I have chosen to keep my diagnosis private for a lot of reasons but I do have one person that I tell everything to , the Dr. that diagnosed me . My children don't even know . I spend much time processing what the diagnosis means to me and how to understand and adapt to it . I don't want anyone to know because of the general misunderstanding of autism and I don't want to be treated differently . Instead , I work to be a better listener and try to make myself understood . For me , the biggest problem with being autistic was not knowing that I was . The diagnosis was a relief and has put so much of the anxiety to rest .

When I self diagnosed myself around 4 months ago, it explained a lot of the mysteries of life for me. I am almost 70 and I existed long before this was even on anybody's radar. So I know what life was like before they tried putting Aspies in mental boxes. Since I am the way that I am, I decided to put my life experiences down in a book. It documents my story and also my self analysis of the condition. The Aspie Code