Belated Intro

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So now that I've broken 100 posts, maybe I should actually introduce myself.

I found out only a few months ago--at age 41!--that I have Asperger's syndrome, or what would be Autism Spectrum Disorder without verbal or cognitive delay per the DSM-V definition.

Apparently I was diagnosed multiple times as an infant, toddler and teenager but the word "autism" was never included in the diagnosis and the folks never put 2 and 2 together.

As a baby I was an "idiot-savant," talking in entire sentences and repeating things from storybooks before I was even supposed to be able to say a word. However I was physically and socially awkward. Even as a baby I hated being touched, and being snuggled made me scream.

Then I was "gifted-disabled." This morphed into "twice exceptional" and then Asperger's syndrome, which is a term I prefer over ASD because of its relative specificity.

IQ was never a problem. At 144, one might expect me to behave more intelligently than I often do. My verbal ability was off the charts. But I have visual-spatial problems that not only impair my ability to judge depth and space and that make me clumsy, they prevent me from being able to grasp higher math. Basic math, sure. Algebra? Not a chance. I struggle with directions and am easily lost. I have prosopagnosia (face blindness) and often cannot recognize people, which is... awkward to say the least.

Socially, I avoid eye contact. When someone meets my eyes it seems almost as if they are breaking into my house. It's a feeling of violation. Same thing with being touched. Hugs make me feel as if I am caught in a trap and I have to will myself not to struggle free. I am selectively mute in that I cannot speak or can only manage a word or two in situations which overwhelm me. Mostly that's crowds and groups but it can also extend to meeting a stranger.

It was hard growing up without a diagnosis that I or my parents properly understood and without help or support. I was ruthlessly bullied at school, then came home to a family that was emotionally abusive. My folks were masters of psychological manipulation and controlled me by destroying or taking away things that I loved, whether it was a possession or a pet. In adulthood I continued to struggle, dealing with major depressive disorder, ADHD inattentive type, severe generalized anxiety disorder, OCD, PTSD, narcolepsy and a partridge in a pear tree. On the one hand I am proud that I managed to stay gainfully employed for 20 years before I imploded. On the other I feel that I had the potential to be so much more than I am and it haunts me.

The revelation of Asperger's syndrome / ASD was a shock, but once I processed it I wished I had known all along. I wasn't just a freak. I wasn't a failure. There were reasons for all of my many "quirks." It all came together and I finally understand why I am the way I am. It has actually brought relief. I was able to tell that nasty bullying voice in my head ("Why can't you do this? Everyone else can do this!") to stuff a sock in it. I suddenly stopped hating myself. There was no point to it anymore. You wouldn't hate yourself for having any other disability, right?

There are sunny spots too. I have a gift with animals, which I suspect is because often I think more like an animal than a human. Photography is another, as are writing and music. Asperger's syndrome isn't only a burden. It can also be a blessing. That is something that I am learning as I go along. I am also learning to be kind to myself. I am unable to work now but make small change with a couple of my special interests, namely breeding snakes and tropical fish. And even though I have terrible difficulty with executive function, i.e. adulting, I am more at peace than I have been in... well, probably forever.

Better late than never, yes?

Welcome Serpentine!

Good that you are enjoy the forum, and I hope you will keep enjoying it.

Wow! You and I share many of your descriptions.

Yeah, mathematics just doesn't work for me. I can complete a small-business tax return, sure, but anything beyond that is simply begging for trouble. My verbal and memorization skills are what assisted me in my professional careers, nothing more.

Nice to meet you!

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

I also suffer from partridge in a pear tree syndrome, so you have my sympathies.

Are there many pear trees in New England?

We have the famous Endicott Pear:

http://www.newenglandhistoricalsociety. ... 400-years/

Ooh, so does my county, but New England Mormons probably brought them along. Cool!

Thank you Serpentine. I also relate to much of your experience, though I was much older than you when finally identified as an aspie.

I've never had the pleasure of visiting Utah, but I tend to think of it as almost a New England time capsule.

There are parts of my town that are restored late-Victorian and areas where it does look a lot like New England.

Sometime during my extensive travels in the USA, I stopped off at the four corners where the four states meet, posed for a photo with a foot or a hand in each state simultaneously - I had a foot in Utah Four states visited in a second!!

Hmm, I live a few miles from the official geographic center of North America. It's in western South Dakota near the Black Hills. Quite beautiful, actually. You can go from wide open prairie to foothills to mountains and canyons in the space of 45 minutes.

Too cold for pear trees here though. This area is known for its weather extremes and unpredictability. Fun fact: Nearby Spearfish, SD holds the Guinness Book record for most sudden temperature change. It went from subzero to the mid 50s (Fahrenheit) in 2 minutes. People's windows shattered. Then it dropped right back down.

Which "Four Corners" site did you use? There are now two about a block apart from each other after NASA satellites noticed that the historic site was off a bit. There are some strange happenings in that neighborhood. It even enjoyed a state highway numbered 666 for years. Various governments agreed to change the signage some years ago (because it was simply too costly and dangerous to keep replacing the old signs that were stolen). There is a reason The X-Files television series loved Utah's UFO history. But, it faked much of our scenery with some CG effects.

My only tattoo is on my right shoulder, and is a Zuni bear fetish to celebrate the American southwest where I was born, raised and lived.