Can I share something personal with everyone?

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When I realized when I went with my mom on a trip to Las Vegas, and she and I argued alot I realized something. I realized I'm not a good person and that I'm very stupid. I also think I'm very ugly because I'm fat. So my good self esteem has official disappeared and has been permanently been replaced by bad self esteem which is self hatred. I find comfort when people talk about my best friend instead of myself esteem or respect. I no longer want anyone to give me sympathy or defense when I have a problem with another person because I deserve no help when someone else is mad at me. I believe maybe the self hatred I have is a punishment maybe even from god or from another supernatural force because it is perhaps my destiny, then so be it. I feel guilty for to many things, I can't close it out of my mind, heart and spirit. Similar to a crashing wave, once it starts, there's no stopping or delaying it. I will never be free of my hate and guilt. And I hope my self hatred never goes away because for all the people I've wronged, I hope I stay in this dark place in my mind for good for the rest of my days. If my daily living were a play, I would be villain and everyone else would be heroes. My best friend is a heroine to me.

If you're stuck in a psychological rut that you can not get out of no matter what you've tried, then perhaps you should seek counseling? I'm sorry you feel the way you do. I'm sure you're a good person. You mentioned God. If you believe in God, have you been praying? If you belong to a church or you think you'd try going to one maybe that would help. You could also then talk to a priest, minister, rabbi, etc.

Try not to be so hard on yourself.

I hope you feel better. Are you physically capable of walking? If so I would recommend starting to walk in a safe peaceful area. You could start out going a short distance if you're not used to it and then build your distance. Exercise if done vigorously or briskly for 45 minutes or longer releases endorphins in your brain which are your body's natural opiates. It makes you feel better. If you're struggling mentally with some things walking for as long as possible at a time helps you to think and generally boosts a person's mood. Walk as far as you can. Walk yourself tired. Have good shoes for it though. It helps me. I will walk myself until I hurt if I'm in a bad way to purposely wear myself out. Having a feeling of accomplishment from doing that helps as well.