I'm new. My wife needs more from me. How do I do that?

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I'm self diagnosed AS. As an engineer, I always just thought my makeup and behavior was in the normal range. I've come to accept it may not be.

When my wife says "I'm feeling fragile" I have no idea how to respond. I wait for her to elaborate and she waits for me to ask questions. It goes nowhere. I end up in the doghouse.

Does this sound familiar to anyone? Got any ideas how to rewire my brain so that I respond differently?

I think she might want a hug when she says that. Or maybe ask her why she feels fragile. Or make her a cup of cocoa.

Aspies often spend a lot of time on personal projects. Sometimes too much. You might consider putting "relationship" on your to do list. Fun things you can do together.

Talk to her. Tell her that when she says she feels _________, you want to be helpful and supportive, but you're not sure what she wants or needs. Perhaps she could try being a bit more detailed or explicit. "If you loved me, you'd just know what I want" doesn't work with Aspies at all. One of the things I'm grateful for with my mate is she verbalizes her wants and needs unambiguously; if she wants sex, she says so. If she wants to watch TV, she says so. It makes things so much smoother.
Another thing we do is check with each other; "how are you?", "how are us?", "are you OK?", "are we OK?". Pollyanna answers are not acceptable. It helps us stay ahead of any frustrations which may be building with either party. Also, if she senses (or I tell her) that I'm "out of sorts" (her code word for not having a good day), her expectations are different than when I'm on top of my game.

All very helpful suggestions!

I feel like tattooing "What do you need?" on my forehead.

Thanks to all,

Pasta

A tattoo might be a bit much, but you definitely got the right idea! Giving a hug might help her relax and talk, but showing that you want to hear what she has to say goes a long way; I'm speaking from experience. She can't expect you to be a mind reader, but you should also take initiative when the solution could be as simple as just asking "do you want to talk about what is bothering you?". Good luck with this! ^_^

I'd give her this topic to read. Then she can get to look around the forum and site. That's going to help her understand neurovariance a lot faster than you trying to explain it.

Then, as others have said, make your relationship an openly discussed topic.

I wish my ex could have had access to this. Our relationship may have been a better one.

All excellent suggestions that I second, or third.

One thing you might consider is that listening without fixing anything, is sometimes what is needed.

Buy her flowers and chocolate as well.

Now, you're talking!!

THEN, listen to her.

Google "active listening" to find lots of tutorials on how to listen and respond to someone in a supportive way.

These days, a lot of "active listening" tutorials emphasize things like eye contact and body language. If those things are too much of a challenge for you, don't worry about them. You can get a lot of mileage out of just the purely verbal aspects of "active listening."

You could also lay aside the subject's attitude, and lose your confidence that there is a brain to rewire, or that if there ia one is yours.

A non-self-blaming constructive reply would be: "OK. If you have anything to add, I will hear it".
This will separate mood-swinging calls for attention and psychological power plays from a real need and want for support — meaning that if someone has a genuine want to talk and share problems, they will do so without concealing them between a psychological safekeep, to open whom you wear yourself trying to figure the opening combination.

When people make themselves a puzzle — or an endless streak of puzzles — the best there is to say is they will to not be read.