I'm "Repiloting"

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"Repiloting" is a term used in television to say that a show is starting over with a brand new plot/premise. Same show, but different direction. I have been using it to explain my life lately. I have been through a lot of personal changes when it comes to having Asperger's and other personal struggles. I want to be more "out" about it and to actually talk to others instead of hiding it from everyone. So here I am to try to do that.

My name is Abby. I'm 31 and I was diagnosed with Asperger's when I was 18. I obviously had it my whole life but I lived in the rural Midwest and no one even knew about it. By the time I was diagnosed in high school, I had already alienated myself from practically everyone in my small town. I live deep in my interests so I didn't care at the time. The diagnosis didn't change me or my behavior. It just totally explained everything I was already doing.

So fast forward to now. I moved out of the Midwest, got a Bachelor's in Film, and moved to Los Angeles. I have been here living on my own-ish for 10 years. I say own-ISH because it has not been an easy road and I have had a lot of help from my parents. Up until now, I have failed at many jobs. I have had over 20 jobs and countless gigs both in the film industry and everything else. I manage to get fired nearly every time or I quit before I get fired. Every single time I try my hardest but I always Asperger it up. The constant failure had me so depressed that I kinda broke myself. I turned to food mainly and got alarmingly fat. Basic functioning just wasn't happening at this point. So I applied for Disability and got it but it was very hard to get.

Since then, good things have happened. For the first time in my life I have been able to calm the frick down. I still have more anxiety than I bet 90% of other people do, but it's livable. Also, last year I got weight loss surgery and lost an entire persons amount of weight.

So that is why I'm Repiloting. I'm the same me, but I've got this whole new outlook on life now that my cynical self never saw coming. I don't have a lot of friends and I feel like I want to reach out to people both online and in person. I have no idea how to do either. I don't care much for society and how it works and the rules and whatnot. I don't think I turned into the "functional" kind of Autistic who figures out their niche and makes it work in the real world. But I think I'm an ok person.

I find a great deal of happiness in my interests. My main obsession is the 90's. The shows, music, fashion, toys, video games, and pop culture in general. So I live a very 90's life. I dress 90's themed. I have vast knowledge of many things 90's. I am a proficient retro gamer. I am an artist and I spend most days making 90's themed art. I drive a 1991 Astro van that I custom painted. I don't know anything about kids these days or what they like.

I love it and don't intend to change but I am starting to realize that it might be polarizing. I have a couple friends and a girlfriend who seem to embrace me but I have turned off the vast majority of people I have met. Now, that could be from a great number of Asperger's related things. My lack of social skills will kill a potential relationship even before I start explaining which Spice Girl is which. My worst fear is that I am coming off as fake or a "hipster" or trying to hard to be something. I only know how to be my authentic self. I can't successfully fake anything. I live in Abby-land and this is what it looks like.

So thanks if you read all of that. I am open to friendship! I am @abbysradart on Instagram if you want to see a crap ton of 90's art.

I'd sure like to see a restoration of at least some aspects of 90's fashion! Today's clothes for women are ridiculously uncomfortable and impractical.

Would you happen to be able to tell us where one can obtain loose-fitting women's pants (in what used to be called "misses" sizes) with pockets (DEEP side pockets, deep enough to hold a wallet without sticking out) AND belt loops?

On another subject, have you been to the LA County HFA/Asperger's Adults Meet-Up group? If so, what do you think of it?

Anyhow, welcome to WP.

I agree that women's clothing is ridiculous and I don't understand it at all. For many years I have worn a mix of men's and women's clothes. Both for reasons of fashion and comfort. I mostly wear t-shirts and I don't like to buy them just anywhere because I hate when people have my clothes. I buy vintage from places like eBay or the app Poshmark. I also order shirts off a site called Redbubble where you just design your own and print it. I wear mens cargo shorts for all the reasons you said. Deep pockets and belt loops. I basically dress like a 10 year old tomboy in the 90's.

I have seen that group and I even joined it. I did the whole meetup profile and am watching some groups but I haven't been to a single thing. I wonder what kind of turnout they get because I see hardly anyone RSVPs.

I unfortunately cannot wear men's pants because they don't fit me (I need a much bigger hip-to-waist ratio). When I was younger and had better eyesight I sometimes bought men's pants and altered them to a greater degree than local stores that do alterations are willing to do. But, back then, there also existed some women's pants that fit me fine to begin with, and that also had decent pockets and belt loops. Alas they don't seem to exist anymore.


I wouldn't draw any conclusions based on the RSVP count on Meetup. For all we know, the group might be promoting itself in other ways besides Meetup (e.g. it might be getting referrals from therapists, for all we know). If it's still announcing events, assume that the group is alive and kicking.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Heh, sounds a bit like me on starting over with a new outlook on life (or at least trying to). Along with Asperger's, I have a diagnosis of schizo-effective disorder I have ignored for almost fifteen years and never told any doctor I had about because I didn't want to acknowledge it. Suffice to say I've recently had to confront it so I'm rebranding myself in a lot of ways so I can stick with being my true self. I tried to mask or whatever the term is these days.

A lot of your post kinda resounded with me (aside from the fact I'm a guy). I'm old-fashioned in a lot of ways and these days, old-fashioned equals 'misogynistic/toxic masculinity', so I'm even more afraid of going out and meeting people than I used to be. So, I'll stick to online friendships. Nice to meet someone who is similarly old-fashioned and looking to rebrand, or as you call it, repilot. Hope we both find what we're looking for here on WrongPlanet.

I remember you posting on here azlong time ago. Welcome back!

You have a lot of the same interests as me.

I've been spending a lot of time on studying beauty and fashion. I find that the better I look the better I get treated by society in face to face interactions. The new cropped fashions are great as the look "normal" on me without hemming!

Hi Abby,

Oh, some of that sounds like me, too! I lived with my parents in a rural area in Southern California until my dad passed away in my 30s. I'd wanted to be on my own for years, but what I now realize as chronic fatigue/stress (co-morbid with autism) that affected me as child at school also prevented me from working more than part-time jobs as adult. And why most of my jobs averaged about 6 months.

I had chance for financial aid and university, so I finally got out on my own. Shortly before, I'd only been diagnosed with ADHD but had I had autism diagnosis then, and could have been on disability, it would've made things much better for me. During the 10 years I had my apartment, my widowed mom helped me with my rent during summers when I didn't get financial aid. She passed away so I no longer had help and, of course, lost my apartment. I've been living like a nomad since, while trying to get autism diagnosis. Finally found an organization that provides testing, though process is very slow. After 7 months, I'm 2/3 of way through and so far each specialist says it's definitely autism.

I've had several "epoch" obsessions with which I switch back and forth. One has been late 1800s-early 1900s. Another has been the 1940s. What's cool about 1940s is that there are lots of "Old Time Radio" programs from that era online that are free to download. So I can listen to them and really feel like I'm in that era. And, of course, movies from that era. I could barely tell you anything about today's actors, but I know about all of the 1940s-era celebrities. So, yes, I know what you mean by not knowing the interests of the current generation!

The 1990s had good fashion. And blue jeans were still real blue jeans. I'm lucky that I still have my jeans (a couple of dozen pair!) from the mid-1980s to the late 1990s. I don't like the texture feel of ones they make nowadays (and not made in USA, either) because they're virtually all of stretch material. Not just the uncomfortable feel, but they wear out easily.

And in past 15 years or so the "ripped" style is in, which I think is a real waste of money. One time I was in clothing store fitting room and saw a pair of the "ripped" jeans on the return rack. I couldn't resist asking the teen fitting room attendant if the store could give me a discount on those defective jeans. She asked how were they defective and I replied that they're all ripped. When she said that was today's style, they're supposed to be that way, I feigned astonishment that anyone would pay $30+ for a pair of ripped jeans!!

I'd suggest wearing men's or boy's jeans if you want non stretch jeans that aren't "distressed."

Welcome to Wrong Planet! I too had weight loss surgery and lost a great deal of weight. When you are overweight you become one of the invisible people. But when you return to a normal weight category, you seem to become visible again. One of the things I do now is whenever I shop at a grocery store, and I see a clerk wearing a name tag, I address them by name. They too are invisible people and there is a moment of shock, when someone notices them as a human being rather than just the job they are performing. Generally the reaction afterwards is a smile.

Hi Abby, nice to meet you. Loved reading your post!