Hello, i'm new here

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Hello everyone, I am new to this. I don't usually post on social sites so please forgive me if I ramble or if I don't write well. I don't mean to be selfish by writing about myself. I just need to get this out of my head because I am feeling awful.

I was recently diagnosed with Autism at the age of 29 (I think it's Aspergers but they aren't allowed to diagnose that condition anymore). It didn't come as a surprise. I always struggled at school mostly because I was very, very anxious. I hardly ever looked away from the floor, I couldn't use public bathrooms, I couldn't concentrate at all because I was so on edge. Also, I have always struggled with OCD. This has gone on throughout my life, I've had many different variations of it - hand washing, straightening objects etc. I think it turned into Pure O, I used to get really worried about how to breath and how to swallow, these thoughts went on for years.

Emotionally I was ok, I remember laughing a lot. I had a knack for making other people laugh and even though I was extremely nervous I was seen as a funny person and this made socialising bearable. Comedy was my way of coping with the world. I was extremely sensitive to emotion - highly sensitive. This had major disadvantages, I would cry a lot which was embarrassing especially for a male. I would cry if I made a small tear in a book or if I broke the box of a game case and I would get really upset if someone insulted my appearance because I was bullied from infant school over the way I looked. My heightened emotion did have its positives, I could connect with my small group of friends and I felt like I was on their "wave length". I instinctively felt like I knew what I could say and I felt confident being able to hold a conversation even though I wasn't an extrovert.

When I finished school, I got so fed up of being nervous I decided to work on my confidence. I bought a self-help book about confidence (Paul Mckenna) and I read it throughout the holidays before starting college. To my surprise, it helped! I went to college being able to look above the floor. I could actually make brief eye contact with people. I could speak to my friends when we sat around at lunch and the best part of it all, I met a girl! I couldn't even speak to females before college. At first I thought this person was amazing. We got along brilliantly. It was like she was a soul mate. I really did love her.

Anyway, skip a year and a bit later. She ended up going off with other people, including my friend from school. Her friends started calling me lots of names (even though I thought I got a long with them). My confidence fell way down, even lower than how I was at school. After she broke up with me on my birthday, she dated someone everyone knew from college, a popular guy who played football. When she was going out with him she would still send me messages on social media. I got very low, really low. I remember even telling myself "don't get sad". It was like I reached a point and my emotions stopped working.

Skip 11 years later, I have been through hell. I believe I have something called "Anhedonia". I don't get highs or lows. I don't believe I've cried properly for years. I hardly ever get sad. I can't remember what it's like to be happy. I believe the last time I could connect with anyone was that person from college. I struggle to connect with my family. I can't socialise at all. I have been on the highest legal dosage of SSRI (Sertraline for 10 years), I then had to taper off because I developed a tolerance. I am now on an SNRI (Venlafaxine).

I am reaching 30 years old and I am at a loss. A few years ago I went to university, mainly because if I didn't get out the house I would have committed suicide. I did a subject I thought I liked but I am not very good at (programming). I have an appalling work record. I hardly have any friends. I still live at home. I did make the mistake of going on social media to see that girl, she is happy living the high life in the capital. They are all married. They all have babies, good jobs and seem happy. I shouldn't have looked, obviously. But it did make me think. I don't have anything. I don't even know who I am anymore. My life has been a constant struggle and it seems whatever I do goes wrong. I am not suicidal anymore, I wouldn't do that to my parents, but I am deeply depressed. I was fortunate to be taken on holiday with my family a year ago and when I was sitting on the beach it felt no different to sitting at home. It's a sense of "nothingness". I think I have come to accept I will never be the same anymore. I will never be happy.

Welcome to the website, I am sorry to hear that you're in a bit of a low place and I hope you get all the support you need here. I am quite a newbie myself, only joined a month or so ago but most people on here seem friendly and I don't think anyone will judge you or be unkind. We all seem to have our challenges one way or another, I know that I have been brought pretty low at times by my failure to fit in and socialise. I don't normally do advice as I don't seem to do it very well (one realisation that actually hurt me once when I first reflected upon it was that I could never recall anyone asking me for advice on anything, but that's another story!), but one piece of advice I would give is try not to compare yourself with people you know on social media. If you look on Facebook everyone seems to be having an amazing time but I reckon a huge amount of that is show, it becomes kind of an arms race there, people posting pictures of their perfect kids and their beautiful homes and their amazing holidays and their fascinating friendship groups and everyone gives them load of likes and posts comments like 'OMG you're awesome, babes!', yadda yadda yadda. I avoid social media like the plague these days.

Thanks LiverpoolDave, I appreciate you taking the time to reply to my post. I don’t do Facebook or any of those sites anymore. I searched for the people I knew on Google which was a mistake. Apologies for the depressed post. I am just struggling to see a way out, it’s already been over a decade and still no progress.

You don't have to apologise for posting a depressed post here, we are all here to support each other.

I am a bit curious about your medication. As someone who has suffered depression for most of my life I have been on numerous anti-depressants, the most recent of which was Sertraline. I hated the side effects and came off it, which was a horrible experience in itself and took me absolutely ages. My doctor has now prescribed me Venlafaxine but I am quite afraid to take it after my earlier experience with Sertraline. How are you finding it - any really troubling side effects? I guess the fact that I would need to take it twice daily is a bit of a turnoff - I figure if I have to take it only hours apart it must have a very short half life and I am someone who frequently forgets to take medication so I am wondering if I would always be feeling horrible due to not taking my meds in time.

Hello and welcome. I too went through what I called "My Numb Years". It aas caused by so many things hitting me in life at nearly the same time. I really don't know how I coped with it, or how it is possible for anyone to have had so much happen to them either directly or indirectly. I became numb to everything. Emotionally numb... Never had that before, but after so many family, relations and close friends of the family died... Went to 43 funerals and then I could not go to any more. Is like God put the brakes on inside me! Only one or two died which I didn't attend their funerals like my first boss. I was going to go just to stand outside the church as he was a popular man, but when the day came I had to let it pass.

Anyway...I believe you will recover from these tough times. Just needs time to heal. Don't worry that you have already had ten years... It takes as long as it does. Just relax. Start finding things you really enjoy (Or know you used to enjoy) and spend more time doing them. Do you live near the sea? Go for coastal walks. Just random things to slowly enjoy where your senses and emotions can gradually return.
Check the side effects of the medication don't numb up your emotions. Medication is good but it can be a balancing act. I was supposed to be on statins and I am glad I didn't take them. I had a "Check" within me about them. My ex gf said she took them for a few years and they made her numb to life. She weened herself off them and her senses came back. It could be those on the spectrum may be effected more in this way? It is just a thought.

And don't worry about anything. Do you have a hobby? Relax in it. Enjoy this site.
I enjoy model railways. Is something about them... Always have liked trains! More then a special interest. Is a way of life! (Model trains are expensive, so I have developed a budget way to enjoy them. If interested, let me know as I can show you some ideas on how to enjoy the hobby without spending too much cash).

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Welcome to Wrong Planet.

You said "but I am deeply depressed. I was fortunate to be taken on holiday with my family a year ago and when I was sitting on the beach it felt no different to sitting at home. It's a sense of "nothingness". I think I have come to accept I will never be the same anymore. I will never be happy."

Stress and trauma surround Aspies like the many outer layers of an onion and permeates us even to our very inner core. These layers of stress and trauma have a cumulative effect in throwing our bodies out of balance and prevent us from returning to an unstressed state called homeostasis.

SIGNS OF TRAUMA
* Deer in the headlight frozen expression
* Paleness and racing heartbeat
* Terrified speechless
* Disruptive behavior
* Anger, irritability, mood swings, edginess
* Hyperactive
* Poor concentration
* Demonstrating poor impulse control
* Lethargic, lack of energy
* Depressed
* Shock, denial, or disbelief
* Confusion, feeling out of control
* Anxiety and fear
* Night terrors
* Guilt, shame and self-blame
* Withdrawing from others
* Feeling sad and hopeless
* Feeling disconnected or numb, spacey
* Hyper-focus on mortality or death
* Loss of appetite or overeating
* Obsessive-compulsive behavior
* Avoidance behavior

I have bolded those items you mentions at the beginning of the thread. Chronically traumatized individuals tend to be plagued with dissociative symptoms, including frequent spaciness, unreality, depersonalization, a general disengagement from life and various somatic symptoms and health complaints. So I guess my point is that you may be experiencing trauma. This trauma is the result of unvented stress energy. And therapy that is focused on venting stress can help you reengage with the world. So I will recommend two books that may be of some help to you.

"The Revolutionary Trauma Release Process" by David Berceli
"In An Unspoken Voice" by Peter A. Levine