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Hi

I could swear I already wrote a post but I can't find it anywhere. I didn't know what to say anyway. I am just trying to find people who might understand. I did know what to say really, but I don't want to frighten people away.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Do you wear clogs?

Welcome to WP!

Hello psychogirl,

Go ahead and write. Speak your piece. This is your space.

Glad to have you on board,
Borromeo

Hi psychogirl,

I can relate to your frustration with loosing your post. I seem to spend half my life looking things I can't find. Please say whatever you like, and take whatever time you need to say it. No one's is a rush here, well can't speak for everyone, but I'm not in a rush and I'm interested in whatever you have to say.

As long as you're not directly attacking someone, or being overtly obnoxious, people will read and reply to what you have to say. This site is full of people who have a different view of what most people in the world judge as "normal" . It sounds like you've been spending too much time with the wrong kind of people.

Thank you all for the wonderful welcome.

Unfortunately I do not wear clogs.

A few different things I need to say...

I am lonely, but I am not good at continuously engaging as myself. Sometimes I am not even sure who is my true self.

I have had one boyfriend and ended up switching between multiple alter egos because I could not cope.

Really, I want to make friends as myself but I don't know if I can or if anyone would want to be my friend.

Now this all sounds incredibly desperate, but making friends the way people tell me is acceptable (you don't frighten them away with too much information about yourself; you stick to general topics of interest; you ask questions to engage in conversation) gets me nowhere but superficial relationships where I know a lot about the other person and they don't really know me. I am usually trying to pretend I don't have Aspergers, or minimise it, but it's like trying to cram an octopus into a paper box, and the tentacles creep out through the gaps and people think I'm odd.

I really am making a mess of this, I should have written what I meant to last night because it was clearer.
I'm frightened that I'm a mess of a person, pretending not to be, and fooling people into thinking that I am acceptable and competent and one day they'll find out I'm not and I won't have a job anymore.

But if you were looking for friends or even something more here, you just lost anyone who would have any interest at all.

Katie

Thanks Katie for telling us a bit about whats been on your mind.

I think I have something similar go on with me when I'm with people. I feel most like myself when I am on my own, but once another person enters the room it's like I loose touch with myself and I shape shift into the form of whatever kind of person I think they will like. It's like an actor playing a character. Its my body moving and speaking but it's not really me.

People advised me to be myself, but that usually ends up a disaster. Me being myself is me usually delivering a monologue on something that fascinates me (usually art or history), but probably others don't care about. Sometimes I catch myself and tell myself to ask the other person question about themselves, but then I end up interviewing them and I find if very hard to do the conversational turn taking thing and I'm left feeling like an idiot.

So I feel I'm in a no-win situation; If I'm myself then I'm rejected, If I try to become someone else then I don't get outright rejected, but I kind of feel like a fraud and the person doesn't get to know the real me and no friendship develops.

Tony Attwood (an Autism expert) give some advice ":Be a first rate aspie, not a second rate neurotypical"

I have found the solution to feeling lonely wasn't to try and imitate neurotypical social behaviour, that's a lost cause. It's like me flapping my arms in the air pretending to be a bird and then being devastated when I can't get off the ground. It's a lost cause cause I'm not a bird and I'm never going to be able to fly like one.

I'm not a neurotypical, I'm am an autistic person. My solution has been to spend more time with my own kind and those that share my interests. I love painting and I go to a group each week where where people paint and get tutored. There I can talk about painting as much as I like and people don't think its too weird and actually sometimes appreciate what I've got to say.

Thanks for your reply, it has been helpful to know I'm not the only person who feels this way. I think I still don't know what me being myself is. Probably I'm most myself when I see my counsellor, but then I also tend to bring all my problems there and I'm sure I'm not that troubled all the time! I stayed with my sister and her husband recently, and I was quite hyper some of the time, and couldn't stay quiet - I had a constant stream of humming or singing. I don't know if that WAS myself, but with the added stress (not necessarily negative) of being around others all day resulting in me being a little wired.

When I'm at home by myself I'm very quiet. I find it difficult to get started on things and procrastinate a lot, I have lots and lots of thoughts and can work myself up into a very anxious state. I used to think I need to be alone a lot, but maybe actually I'm better with somebody else around.

I wasn't diagnosed until my 20s, which is difficult because many people still don't know, and up until then I was doing my best impression of a neurotypical person, until I couldn't cope, at which point I'd either withdraw or have a huge meltdown. But now I don't know how to interact with people I've known for years, but don't see that often.

In a conversation I seem to lose the ability to think, it all happens too fast and I can only analyse what happened afterwards, or try to prepare before.

Due to the alter egos and the acting that you mentioned, that I recognise myself doing also, I'm never really sure when I'm being myself. Or who that self is, or how to find it. Sometimes I think I could just be anyone. Which is probably why I so easily slip into alter egos.

I have my brain jam up on me when in conversation which used to stress me out and I'd try to hide it, but now I just tell people I've lot track of what I was saying and usually it doesn't bother them (I bothers me more than it seems to bother them) I find being honest less stressful. Trying to hide my flaws is VERY stressful. If they are mean it still hurts, but it also proves they are a jerk and I have to ask myself do I want to continue interacting with a jerk?

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Welcome. Is great in here to share stories. I haven't been assessed yet.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

I am so glad you are here. When I was younger I had many of the same problems you describe. Years ago, no one knew about autism, so there was no advice. I never knew who I really was although I learned to cope with many situations. This is called masking. It is enormously draining.

I found conversation with most people extremely superficial and boring. Still do.

I don't have any real advice except keep on living and learning and talk to the folks here on WP.

Hi psychogirl,

Please have a look at this video. It by the guys who does aspergers from the inside on utube. Its on trying too hard to fit in. I think it might be helpful

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vPf9CLMG2Es

Are you sure that you have never worn a pair of clogs, even by accident?

Hi and welcome, psychogirl !