Day 1, Post 1

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Hi, my name is Rebekkah. I'm 22, from US, and I am mother of a 2 year old boy with ASD, and fiance of 28 year old man suspected with ASD. I'm in a tough spot right now, and that led me to this site. Excuse my rambling, but I suppose this is about to turn into more of a journal entry than a real introduction.
I'm NT, but I struggle with depression and Bipolar 2. It really wasn't a surprise when my son was diagnosed. Actually, it brought me some relief. I now know that my struggles with parenting can, at least in part, be a result of ASD. I thought I was crazy and I had bitten off more than I could chew by bringing my boy into this world.
The diagnosis made sense. Getting therapy and state assistance made sense. I try to do everything I can for my son, and sometimes I still find myself needing to be reminded that he can't just "get better". I know our minds don't work the same, and I read as much as I can about ASD to make up for the knowledge I lack, but I still feel like I don't always relate or understand. This kind of makes me feel unworthy of my motherhood, but I persevere because nobody loves him like I do. It's not such easy reasoning when it comes to my fiance though...
When we first met, I could tell he had anxiety, but we quickly became friends anyway. We worked together at the time, and he was always such a delight to work with. We've been together for 4.5 years now, and we plan on marrying in May. He didn't know or suspect he had ASD when we met, or at any time prior. It wasn't until our son was diagnosed that he started making sense of how he acts and perceives things. We agreed, along with other family members of his, that he probably is on the spectrum, and so is his dad. He seemed to accept this and even said he might want to pursue a diagnosis.
I support him on his road to wellness, and I accept his possible (probable) diagnosis. But I couldn't help but be angry for a while. I felt betrayed and lied to because he seemed to take this idea and run with it. He started letting his walls down more and more and showing how he really is, and it isn't the man I met at work. I still love this man, but he suddenly needs much more from me, and understands much less. I can see how, in the past, I may have overlooked many of his behaviors because we weren't parents trying to keep house then. I can see how many of our arguments are my fault for having my own mental health issues. A lot of times, it feels like I'm a mother of two, and that breaks my heart. Other times, I feel like maybe he feels like a father of 2. The uncertainty in my mind is just as abundant as the uncertainty in my life.
I know I love my family, and I want to help them be their best selves. I know I want to be my best self too. I know I have a limitless amount of questions about this life I've chosen and how to navigate it. I know some of those questions may come off as rude. I don't know, however, if I can survive this life without support.
Currently, I have no friends that I go out with, talk to regularly, etc. My social interaction comes from fiancee, fiancee's mom, or my sister. None of these people are very regularly available. They all live very busy lives. I regularly feel like I'm slipping through the cracks of life. I've also seen doctors multiple times to get a referral to psychiatry so I can start my medications again. My depression is treatment resistant, and in combination with Bipolar 2, it can be dangerous for a family practitioner to be tasked with my medication upkeep. I've been referred 4 times in the last 5 years, but for some reason, I never get an appointment. I tried having an MD prescribe me antidepressants and then I had to go back to ER for Serotonin Syndrome. I so very much wish to have my sense of calm back. It's been so long.
Financially, things are devastating. I'm a barista, he's a line cook. We're lucky to bring home $1800/mo. Our local Public Assistance Office has a bad habit of discontinuing benefits without notice or cause. It's happened 3 times now, and we're always wary of it happening again. We have debt for multiple things/reasons, but no ability to pay it right now. Also, did I mention we don't have a car, and we're subletting his mom's old rental because we were evicted and she didn't want to live with us? That happened.
It's been a very long few years and I'm tired. I'm just looking for somewhere to rest and be heard and learn learn learn. I hope I found the right place.
Thank you for reading

Welcome .try to hang in there .

Thank you! I'm making it one day at a time. I've been looking for a site like this for a while. A lot of the information out there say that ASD children are special and unique and deserve top quality care, but the info on adults and relationships is totally different. I found many websites talking about how marriages frequently end in divorce and the NT partner suffers lifelong trauma, yada yada. I didn't find that encouraging. I'm here to stay, and I'm appalled that all of these supposed professionals can preach about the importance of healthy upbringing but also the dangers of relationships with NT/ASD partners. I don't think anyone can wave a magic wand and make my woes disappear, but I do think I can gain the understanding to feel less burdened. I wish the internet wasn't such a void of hopelessness sometimes. This site seems far more positive.

Hi Rebekkah and sending you a very warm welcome ! We're here for you. You must feel in over your head right now ... been there ... When life gets so hard, all you can do is take it one day at a time... Fire away with any questions and we'll give it our best ... Good to have you with us.

Hands mamabear .. ~~~MAGIC WAND~~~... Garanteed fixor of all things aspie . "Fine print" this offer maybe void in situations of real life applications , use with great discresion .

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Here's a critique of some of the more negative sites:

What’s in a Word: Asperger’s and Hate Groups, or the Cassandras
By Terra Vance, M.S.
Unapologetically Aspie
Last updated: 26 Jan 2019
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/aspie/2019/01/239/

Some sites with a more constructive attitudes:

Marriage with Asperger’s Syndrome: 14 Practical Strategies
Eva Mendes, M.A.
[lots of good advice]
https://www.aane.org/marriage-aspergers ... trategies/

How Do I Handle Marriage to a Spouse with Asperger Syndrome?
Autism Can Make Romance Tricky -- But Not Impossible!
By Lisa Jo Rudy
Updated January 31, 2017
https://www.verywellhealth.com/marriage ... ome-260275

Keys To A Successful Asperger’s Marriage
kenneth roberson, ph.d
https://www.kennethrobersonphd.com/keys ... -marriage/