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Hi,

My name is George. I am 53 and I was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome about a decade ago. When the psychologist completed the diagnosis it was like a light switched on and a whole slew of life events suddenly made sense to me.

For example, when I was young, my mother asked the doctor why I was so late in learning to speak. The doctor responded that it was because I couldn’t get a word in edgewise (my mother never stops talking). But now I know what the real reason was.

In any case, I am mostly comfortable with who I am, but there is one thing I have trouble with and would love to hear other people’s thoughts. Why do so many people get so intensely furious with me? I read an interview with English musician Gary Numan (“Cars” song) who complained of the same thing, and it was actually part of the motivation for that song. I have a very long list of former friends, employers and family members who see me as evil incarnate and I know that I did *something* to make them so angry, but in every case it is either a complete mystery to me what the crime was or else the crime was simply standing up for myself. One example is my refusal to talk to people who want to yell at me. I simply block their phone numbers. I don’t know WHY this is a crime but apparently it is.

I feel like I live in a world where the rules don’t make any sense and I am constantly breaking them.

Any words of advice for coping with this?

George

I don't know any advice to give, as I have to be honest and say that I tend to stay away from those who have sudden tempers too as it can be confusing. I need to know why they are annoyed at me.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

To answer your question there are probably many reasons. These may be some of them.

Neurotypicals NTs can generally determine in a matter of seconds whether someone is friend or foe. They do this by looking at a person's eyes. The eyes, eyelids, eyebrows and orbicularis oculi muscle play a major role in projecting emotions and the degree of emotions. Since many Aspies tend to not look into a person's eyes, we lack the ability to project normal traits. Therefore NTs can pick up the wrong signals by looking at Aspies. When we look away and do not display eye contact, they can interpret this as we are hiding something. We are dishonest.

Another problem that we have is that we find it difficult to enter a conversation. Conversation is a series of turn taking. If you don't enter the conversation at the exact right instant, it seems like one is intentionally interrupting another persons conversation. This is very inconsiderate. Conversations will change topics quickly. Aspies tend to think about things a little longer and by the time we decide to enter a conversation, it has already moved onto another topic. So when we interject our opinion, the conversation has already moved on and everyone is scratching their heads why are we returning to an earlier conversation. Another problem is that when the conversation turns to one of our interest areas, we tend to monopolize the conversation and talk about our special interest for hours.

Another problem that we face is that NTs will generally typecast us in a few seconds. They put people into certain categories or boxes. They misinterpret our intentions. But we do not fit well within the categories they try and put us in. This causes them great anguish.

And then again there are many other explanations of why we produce this reaction.

If an Aspie matures properly we will become non-conformist. These are a couple quotes about non-conformist.

Our wretched species is so made that those who walk on the well-trodden path always throw stones at those who are showing a new road. - Voltaire

The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. - Friedrich Nietzsche

Hi and a very warm welcome to you, George . Sorry to hear of your difficulties with people ... smiling, picking up on cues, the give and take of conversation, the knowing just what to say, the right thing at the right time ... showing the care and concern others might expect, can be challenging. If people are aware that there's something a little different about you, then maybe they'll cut you some slack. If people genuinely want to know you, they'll make the effort. Communication, a little patience and understanding, not to mention, not being expected to read minds, can make a big difference... No matter what, if you're on the spectrum you'll almost surely have a unique perspective on things, and that can be a very good thing ... Good to have you with us ...

welcome

Welcome to wrong planet. Its cruel to be vilified for breaking a rule you don't understand or even knew existed.

Hi George!

How missing one little cue can trigger a tirade seems dispropotionate to me too. This is the thin grey line which we tread!

From my perspective some people auto-deflate unless you activity pump up their ego on a regular basis. I'd like more perspective on the issue. (That's a work in progress)

Thank you for the welcomes. They have been very kind.

At my age I have learned to ‘fake it’ long enough that on first impressions, people assume I am NT (albeit quirky). Unfortunately that means they do not cut me any slack. They think because I can force myself to make eye contact, smile, and have a firm handshake, that this means I must be normal.

It is only once they get to know me better they start to see the fixation on precision and logic and assume I am just a jerk when in fact I am just following what makes sense.

For example I believe you should make donations to homeless shelters rather than give money to people pretending to be homeless on the street. Somehow that makes me heartless even though I know that most folks who beg are professionals and not really in need. Don’t believe me? Read the studies done on panhandling in NYC or Salt Lake City.

To me it doesn’t make sense to give money to someone who most likely doesn’t need it when that same money can be directed (with a little more effort) to someone who needs it.

So if you hand money to a street beggar you are not only aiding someone’s drug/alcohol habit, but you are also depriving that same money from a group that really needs it, all because you are too lazy to make the effort to do the research on where that money should go.

So who is the real jerk? The lazy guy who hands money to a likely criminal, or me for pointing this out? Clearly I am the jerk.

I have similar viewpoints on many many similar issues. They are everywhere. Yet for bringing attention to folks who prefer to signal their own virtue in place of really helping, I become the enemy.

Why? I don’t understand and I doubt I ever will. In the meantime most people who get to know me well write me off as a ‘heartless bastard’.

For the most part I don’t care, but the problem is particularly endemic with family members who refuse to accept my condition. To be honest I don’t care all that much because maintaining relationships like these is a huge drain. But from time to time it makes me a little sad that things couldn’t be otherwise.

Anyone else feel like this?

Hi George - if people are treating you like a jerk due to your choices in life, I'd keep those choices to myself more in future. Sounds like you're adding fuel to the fire in being forthright in voicing your viewpoint on issues. This is the stressor clearly. Afterall, why do others need to know how you choose to help the homeless? I have connected with a couple of homeless people in different parts of the world, and have given them money to leave the area(it was dangerous) who really left their mark. I don't usually give money to the homeless, for similar reasons, but we do give new sleeping bags, useful gifts and food to those sleeping rough in London(hiring a double decker bus and having many people donate sleeping bags and various items on a large scale, does make a difference, and got these items to people in need). Since you're having issues with people who clearly mean something to you, maybe make it a plan/goal to attempt to steer conversations to the positive by asking folks how they're getting on in life, offering a hand should they ever need. Keeping the focus on showing you care, by the simple act of doing, so they can physicaly see that you are a good person, not "a jerk" will give them reason to reassess their view of you in the future. Nothing wrong with precision and logic, maybe attempt to scatter into the mix a bit more warmth to receive back what you're looking for? You sound very like someone I know . You could win the hearts of those around you far more, by avoiding topics that create division. Live and let live ?