Yello all. I'm a 26 year old autistic or aspie or whatever from Ohio.
I'm fairly high functioning and can often understand and process social cues and the like - or at least I think I can. One thing I'm really bad at is actually evaluating myself in that regard. I'm much better at following the crowd than most others on the spectrum but there are some things that I'm not able to understand. I can be paranoid about people's motivations and trying to discern what they think about me. I can stim aggressively in private, as the many destroyed chairs and the badly damaged hallway drywall prove. Fortunately nowadays I'm better at not destroying such things. In public I still rock occasionally, but not much. As a kid I had 1:1 support through middle school which I'm still kind of resentful over - it's a complicated issue I'd rather talk about elsewhere. I was often the bane of other aspies because of my goofy "random" kid humor: I essentially tortured my two classmates in second grade English without realizing what I was doing. Another example was pranking a coffee shop run by disabled students with obviously toy money in high school. I will never know if they understood the joke or if they thought I was bullying them. I don't remember if I understood that I could be hurting their feelings or not.
I created this account 7.5 years ago as part of a quest to search for more friends, but the period from 2013-14 was a very bad time in my life so such a quest was doomed. My username's based off of a Homestuck character I identified with the least - my efforts at the inverse failed. (Karkat too loud, Nepeta too animal-esque, Tavros too much of a victim, John had the "wrong" special interests, etc).
I have a special interest in alternate universes of all types. I'm very lucky to have a long term friend and a social group, but I've never been on a single date in my life - being gay is a big factor in the latter. Hard to ask out cute guys or even consider such as mere possibility when there's a 90%+ probability of them being straight. I'm so happy that there is gay marriage in my country, it gives me an incredible amount of hope. But I'm not really able to express that hope. I went to an LGBT group in my area 7 years ago and it was too loud, too many people, too much talking, I couldn't handle it. Ultimately, I'm more emotional secure about being gay than being autistic, even though I'm still a tad angsty about it.
I have a traditional love of gaming, which is the glue that binds me with my small social circle. I'm part of a DnD group and play games like Monster Hunter and I played Undertale recently. Over the years I've acquired an extensive gaming library, some which I've played (Cities Skylines, Planescape Torment, Reknowned Explorers, GTA 4) some not (Bioshock 2+, the South Park game, Vampire the Masquerade).
This forum is really big and I'm easily overwhelmed by larger communities. I often think there's some kind of invisible power structure. The idea of posting many tens of thousands of times anywhere is still kind of unbelievable to me. But, I'll say hi to you all now. Hi.
04 Jan 2020, 9:34 pm
