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This is my first venture into an online autism community of any sort. I don't remember exactly where I heard about this site, it may have been through some self-help book or online article. I've read the rules carefully and fully intend to be productive, but this being my first time on a site like this, I'm not entirely sure what to expect in terms of culture and etiquette. I admit that I'm a bit nervous about jumping in and talking about myself openly in a new arena like this, but I feel it's necessary.

I guess the first thing I need to talk about is the way I talk about myself. I use "am autistic", "have autism", and "am on the spectrum" to describe the way I view my own relationship with autism, and when I don't feel like saying "autism" a whole bunch of times I usually refer to it as "my condition" or "my disability". I also sometimes say that "I struggle with autism" if I feel it's appropriate in context, but this is less common. I usually feel that instead I struggle with bigoted buttheads who refuse to understand or be sensitive. I'll do my best to be considerate of everyone else's preferred terminology when it comes to discussing autism-related subjects, but I ask that everyone understand and respect that the way I define and identify myself is my decision to make. I've had people IRL refuse to respect the way I speak about myself, usually in the "you are not disabled" fashion in an attempt to boost my confidence, but I find that extremely disrespectful and hurtful.

I generally am not picky about the terminology that others use to refer to me. If somebody says something I don't like, I usually say that I dislike their choice of words but not go any further than that. Nobody is perfect, and there is nothing to be gained from making others feel guilty over something that, in the grand scheme of things, isn't all that critical.

But now that that's done, I'd like to talk about why I'm here. For a very long time I was seeing a psychologist regularly. I also struggle with generalized anxiety disorder and rage issues, and I used those sessions to help bring those problems under control. But with COVID-19 causing the worst public health disaster in my lifetime, their office is closed and I no longer have access to that professional help. I understand that an online forum doesn't allow for actual treatment for my conditions, but I'm hoping that I can get some understanding and support here beyond what my close friends and family can provide.

Now for me and my story:

I was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome when I was about 8 years old. I don't actually remember learning of my diagnosis, I just remember that as I developed a tendency to have meltdowns and temper tantrums in the 2nd grade. I was assigned to work with a 1-on-1 behavioral therapist who would accompany me to class. After about a year of this, it became clear that I needed more support than could be provided in a public school setting, and I began attending a dedicated special education charter school, with regular occupational therapy, speech therapy, and counseling provided alongside my classes. I was there for about 3 years and made excellent progress towards my individualized education plan goals, enough that I transferred to the local public middle school.

Big mistake.

I continued to be accompanied by a 1-on-1 Tx, but I again began to suffer from frequent meltdowns and temper tantrums. The Txs' (there were several of them) presence in class made it difficult for me to connect with the other kids. It was difficult to make friends, and when I did I never felt all that close to them. We had some good times in and out of classes and we occasionally got together outside of school, but I never had anyone I felt I could call on a moment's notice and scare up some trouble. Dating, of course, was completely out of the question, but that didn't stop me from having debilitating crushes on several different girls in this time period. On the handful of occasions I opened up about my feelings, I got shot down like a B-17 over Berlin.

There were a few girls who developed interest in me and I often developed reciprocal feelings, but for one reason or another, we were never able to go on actual dates. This lack of success in the dating realm during this time may be the single biggest mental and emotional scar on me.

I was a smart kid, not gonna lie. I felt at home studying the various sciences and world history subjects available. I also greatly enjoyed gym classes, despite not being coordinated or athletically gifted. I managed to get a 7:35 mile time, so I guess that's something. I also competed in Science Olympiad, where I took 14th place out of something like 150 competitors in The Wright Stuff, a build event in which competitors build a rubber-band-powered model airplane. That little ribbon was my only competitive achievement of my youth (only the top 15 were awarded), and of my entire life thus far.

Less enjoyable were English and Mathematics. Good Lord I hated English. I think my teachers were too quick to turn my classes on to allegedly "classic" material, and they mainly did so for the purposes of teaching vocabulary and deep analysis. They treated To Kill A Mockingbird like a textbook, which is not really conducive to any kind of enjoyment at all. I previously had a passion for reading almost anything I could get my hands on, but I've only rarely picked up a book after leaving the public school system's horrible English instruction methods behind. Math was....well, it was math. Mr. Incredible said it best, math is math!

Socially speaking, where I felt really at home was in Scouting. I had joined Cub Scouts as soon as I was eligible, registering as a Tiger Cub. I eventually aged into a Boy Scout Troop and when I was 17 I attained the rank of Eagle, the highest rank attainable in Scouting. I still consider this my biggest achievement to date. In both of my Troops (more on that later), I had the privilege of working with excellent Scouters and I was proud to call many of the Scouts my friends. I remain in occasional contact with a few; most have gone off to do bigger and better things.

But despite Scouting's emphasis on character development, I continued to struggle with violent outbursts into my teenage years, both at home and at school. The severity of these only escalated as I got bigger and stronger, and on one occasion my mother shot me in the face with pepper spray. On another (maybe more than once, I don't remember exactly) she summoned the police. I avoided arrest and detainment due to the situation having de-escalated and no charges were filed.

During my freshman year of high school, I had knee surgery and developed a nasty staph infection, which set me on a death spiral academically and emotionally. (My knees still haven't fully healed, and they probably never will. A couple times in recent years I've worked 10-hour shifts on my feet and I got sent home after my bosses saw me limping around like Igor in Young Frankenstien.) By the end of that year, I had been transferred out of the public school system (again) and into....a psych ward I think. That whole second half of my freshman year is a blur. What happened and in what order and where it got me, I don't remember anymore. What I do remember is that I got in trouble with the law again (this time following an outburst at....summer school, I think?), been cuffed, committed to a psych ward, and sent back into the special education school system. Different school, not the one I was at previously. No behavioral therapist, for the first time in almost a decade. I spent the first two-and-a-half months there before forcibly being removed from my hometown and my family and sent to a "therapeutic" boarding school in Albion, Michigan.

I entered their Towsley Unit group on November 16th, 2011. I left their Structured Transitional Living program at Houston House on June 14th, 2014. In that time I continued to struggle with violent tendencies, but I eventually got it under control enough that I was able to resume my Scouting activities with a local Troop, and it was here that I earned Eagle. I also finished high school a semester early, due to the summertime instruction available there.

Following my graduation I moved back in with my parents and I took aviation maintenance courses at a community college in my hometown, but I was forced to drop out after a semester and a half. I just didn't have the hand skills to safety-wire a turnbuckle, make a 3-in-1 tool, or sharpen a drill bit. The class was designed mainly as a conversion course for those who had already worked on aircraft in the military, and needed the course for a certificate in the civilian sector. Obviously I wasn't a good fit for that.

I also shifted around to various jobs at this time, first working at a local pet boarding facility and then at Ross and Kohl's. I was in the trenches of retail for two years. If you're one of my brothers and sisters still trapped in the trenches of that HORRIBLE industry, I salute you. You do good work.

In 2017 I finally moved out of my parents' place and began living elsewhere, specifically a house that my grandpa had grown up in and was left to him in his inheritance. I was there for about 7 months, during a time in which I worked as a housekeeper at a local hospital. Let me tell you, I saw some GROSS stuff there. This was also the time in which I had my first and second proper girlfriends. Both relationships were horrible and neither lasted long, but at least I could say that I'd gone out on dates and made progress on...well, let's just say the physical side of things. I also attended a local film school specifically run for individuals with disabilities, where I made my first genuine, talk-to-them-every-day, go-do-fun-stuff-on-a-minute's-notice friends. I still talk with some of them daily. Towards the end of this period I began dating my third girlfriend, in a relationship that was also horrible but lasted about a year and a half.

Unfortunately my self-care skills were nowhere near what's required to live on one's own, so my parents forced me to move back in with them. I continued my hospital work until disaster struck. My stress management skills had been slowly eroding since moving out of Michigan, and things boiled over again. My mom summoned the police (again) and I was first hospitalized and then forced to live in a group home for about 6 more months. I was also forced to quit my hospital job to attend intensive outpatient group counseling over that summer. Eventually it became clear that my parents could no longer afford the rent at the group home, so I moved back in with them. They eventually moved to another place in a different part of town, taking me with them.

Around the time I exited my third relationship and entered a long period of dedicating myself to enjoying the single life, I got a job at one of the local theme parks, serving drinks at one of their onsite restaurants. That was the first job where I genuinely felt well-supported by my coworkers and bosses, and it's where I expanded my system of social support. I also began working with a local theatre group that runs improv workshop for individuals with disabilities. I also became close friends with my coworkers and clients there, and even during the COVID-19 lockdown we still get together virtually to play Dungeons and Dragons.

In December last year, I suffered another major blowup at home, and my parents forced me to move in with my uncle. He's unstable and prickly, difficult to get along with. I think he may have paranoid personality disorder or perhaps mild schizophrenia, I don't know exactly. He doesn't talk about it much.

Around January/February, I got a random FaceBook Message, out of the blue. It was a girl I met during my stay in Michigan. We'd had a mutual interest, but because of our environment we were never able to have a proper relationship. But she said that she'd be moving pretty close to my area and was interested in having an actual relationship with me. Of course, I said yes.

She arrived by long-distance bus on February 22nd, and thus began my fourth relationship, my most unstable, maddening, and dangerous one to date. Thankfully it was also my shortest. After 6 years of hoping that I'd eventually get to spend just one more day in her company and perhaps share a kiss that we never got to have before, we dated for a month and advanced things at a lightning pace, and then quickly discovered that things were not right. I left her house for the final time and she told me that she hoped I would die on the way home. Not exactly the blossoming true love nor the amicable parting I was hoping for.

Now with the COVID-19 lockdown in full swing, not much has been going on. I've been going over to my parents' place occasionally to do work for them and watch after their dogs while they're out at work, but otherwise things have been fantastically boring as of late.

OK, whew! That came out a lot longer than I intended to be. I've spent almost 2 hours on this so far, and it hurt to write it all out. I had to stop a few times and wipe tears from my face. I just feel like I'm a complex individual and that understanding my story and my experiences is necessary for anyone looking to provide me with support.

To finish off, I'll just list a few thing I'm always down to discuss.

*World History
*Aviation
*Space exploration
*Anything science-related
*Star Wars
*Food
*Outdoor adventures
*Anything you need support with.
*Anything about me or my life

That's about it. I know that was long, thank you to everyone who put up with my rambling and read the whole thing. I sincerely hope that I get to meet some friendly people and make some new connections. God knows that's something we all need in our lives.

You are very good at writing. I would have written 100 times that amount to get it all to fit, but you do have the nack of being able to condense your lifes story in one post which is quite a tallent.
You also make it enjoyable to read. I know the bad bits in life come as part of the parcel along with the good bits and bad bits are always painful to write.

My life is a different story, but isn't everyones, as we are all unique. I think you have been amazing in your achievements to make your way up the scout system.

Anyway. No doubt others will also write a reply so I will let them write too.

Welcome to Wrong Planet.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!