Learning how to be independent when not driving

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Hello. I am new to this forum and need some advice. I am the stepmom of a 19 year old boy with Aspergers. My question is this....how do you help someone learn how to be independent when they don't drive? He is constantly asking me to get him food from the grocery store, but I feel as if he needs to do this himself. He is a sophomore in college and home for the summer. My husband makes him a special dinner every night because he won't eat what we eat. Shouldn't he be doing this on his own so he can learn. My husband makes his hair appointments and takes him and also buys his clothes for him. He is going to school on his own so shouldn't he be doing these things on his own also? I love him but I feel as if his parents are not helping him by doing everything for him.

You might want to help create an environment where experimenting with the "next step" is considered routine. In this way something like getting a bicycle could be employed with the objective of making one infrequent trip to a place nearby. Next, a further trip or second destination might be added and slowly comfort in going out could be built.

One of my oldest friends with autism still lives with his parents and he is 28. He doesn't cook for himself (as far as I know) but he does drive. Almost all children, with or without AS or autism, become more independent at different rates.

Being at college is always useful for building one's confidence and independence and hopefully the signs of this will show soon.

In the meantime, I would say the best thing to do in the situation is to take small steps like asking him to pick something up from the store whilst you're out. As for getting about, public transport is always the best option for non-drivers. Personally I like to walk alot as it's therapeutic but everyone's different.

This is advice from someone who doesn't have kids so take it with a pinch of salt.

Is there a reason why he can't learn to drive, or be independent?

Having Aspergers shouldn't stop a person from driving or growing up.

I didn’t drive until I was 37 years of age. I’ve been independent since age 20.

Welcome to Wrong Planet, stepmomaz. I am glad you are here.

As a step-mom, you are in a tough place to be. You may be able to see more clearly his road to independence, but he and his father have to find that road for themselves. Because of your role, your attempts for him to gain independence are likely to be poorly received by both of them.

You can set limits on what you will do, such as go to the store on errands only once per day, or once per week. But you can’t tell his dad what to do.

Tell him to walk or ride a bike if the store is near enough. If there is public transportation, he can use that.

Why is he asking you to go so often in the first place? Don't you buy a whole load of groceries at once? Unless he is eating huge amounts of fresh produce and you have no refrigerator, there should be sufficient food in the house that no one has to make a grocery shopping trip that often.

He doesn't need a car to make his own appointments. Start him off doing one of these errands you two are doing for him, and add another one every week or two until he can handle them all himself. Maybe get the transportation issue handled first, that way he'll know when he can get himself to these appointments; that will make it easier for him to make his own appointments (because he won't have to coordinate with someone's availability to take him).

I don’t know how far the grocery store is, so I don’t know if he could walk or bike or if there is public transportation to get him there. Something my mom and I (also trying to become as independent as I can and don’t have a driver’s license) considered doing is to make a list and have me go get the items while she looks at other things or waits by the front of the store. If he doesn’t typically go to the store with you, have him do that for a little while so he can familiarize himself with the layout.

Learning to cook seems like a good idea, too, especially if he usually doesn’t eat what everyone else is eating. If he can do that, then if he doesn’t like what’s served, he can make his own dinner, though of course he’ll have to start with the basics and work up from there.

Does he do his own laundry? If not, that’s another thing he should learn. Also basic cleaning skills (like that there’s a difference between dish soap and dishwasher soap, as I found out when I put dish soap in the dishwasher and it spewed bubbles everywhere ). Just the kind of things that will keep a home generally tidy, and then he can progress to more deep cleaning that doesn’t need to be done as often.

Just some ideas based on the things I’m trying to work on for moving toward my own independence, don’t know if they’ll be helpful or not.