Hello everyone, I'm new here.
As my profile says, I've no clue if I'm on the autistic spectrum or not. What I know is that I've got "something". So basically, I'm here to learn about autism, determine if there is a probablity that's the right "something" and therefore decide if it worth going through the whole diagnosis process.
So just to give you some context, I'm in my mid-30s and I'm French (so my English is probably far from perfect). The reason I registered in a website in English is that, in my experience, when you want to discuss about really specific subjects like this, a forum in English is generally much more "alive" than its equivalent in French...
Now about let's introduce that "something" that I'm trying to identify more cleary. I've got a series of mental and more organic issues and particularities, some of them anecdotical, some of them far more annoying. Lets give you a list :
I) Anxiety and anxiety related problems.
1) Anxiety problems. That in my opinion had been my biggest issue throughout my life so far. Actually, I only started handeling them, to some extend, less than a decade ago. So you can pretty much say that my first 30s years on this planet were a bit difficult to say the least. I suspect I might have Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD), since my anxiety is generally NOT focus on something in particular. Also, almost every member of my family on both side has anxiety related problems, at various level.
2)Hyperhydrosis (hands and feet). Probably related to my anxiety problems.
3) Digestion problems. As many anxious people (and several members of my family). This might be explained in part by my anxiety issue. However, I think I'm also intolerant to some food. My gastroenterologist and I are suspecting that I'm intolerant to FODMAPS, and I'm trying to avoid those for a few years now.
3) Bad sleep. I've got difficulty to fall alseep because I can't hardly stop thinking. When I was younger I'd frequent nightmare.
II) Obsessions and other mental and behavioural stuff.
1) Obsessions. Basically, when something get into my mind it get stucked there for quite a long time. I'm constantly thinking, re-thinking and over-thinking, and basically it never stops. I don't think this is an anxiety-related thing, because I'm just as obsessed with stuff I enjoy as Im' obsessed with stuff I'm anxious about (when I'm anxoious about something in particular). I've to say I don't have one permanent obsession. I've generally several subjects that obsess me, and my mind can shift from one to another. Those obsessions can also change through time : some wil last a couple of weaks, others will last years.
2) Self-absorption. This is completly related to my obsessional thoughts. When and I'm in my "stream of thoughts" about the thing I'm obsessed with, I'm hardly accessible to external stimuli. When I'm in a social context, if someone is trying to have a conversation while I'm self absorbed, it's not only hard to get my attention, but it's also hard to keep it. I can hardly concentrate on anything else. Same thing when I'm suppose to do something, it's very hard for me to focus on what I'm suppose to do when I'm self-absorbed.
3) Tics and deeper self-absorption. My tics tend to appear whenever my mind is really active, but are also partly inhibited when people are watching me. My basic tics conisist in give pinches with my finger. When I'm on my own at home and I'm not forced to focus something external, I often become "super self-absorbed". I'm going deep into my own mind, and I cease to pay attention to my surrounding. When I'm in that state my tics are more present than ever and I generally walk around restlessly. This might sound painfull but actually that is a state in which I'm comfortable with. When I need to think deep, it's in that state that I think the more efficiently. When I need to learn something, it's in this state that I memorize things the best. In this state, I'm able to almost re-experience a movie or a book or I can let my imagination break free. Actually, when I can't be on my own for to long and therefore can't let myself go, it tend to make me nervous.
4) Sleep paralysis. Now this is a thing I experience only once in while, so it's not a great issue. This happens more often when I'm depressed or under pressure.
5) Headache and alt. When I'm tired or under pressure I can have headache during which I can stand light and sometime enven sounds. Speaking of which, I can't stand random noises. Any unexpected noise can wake up me in the middle of the night.
6) Clumsiness. I'm extremly clumsy. Actually that's one of the first thing people notice about me, and I had several nicknames about this during my life. This is also related to a bad evalutation of my own position in space. I'm basically terrible in anything requiring precise motricity, and I getting a driving licence was probably one of the most difficult thing I ever achieved (and I'm still a terrible driver).
III) Relationships
1) Minimal socialisation. I'm not asocial, I just need a minimal amont of social relationships. Not at all feels bad to me, but too much is even worst. I prefer spending time with a few close friends, and not all of them at the same time. Big crowd are not for me. Anyway, when everyone is speaking at the same time I don't understand what they are saying.
2) Communication and understanding. When I was a kid, I realised that communicating with people was hard. I had difficulty to understand them (their intentions, their motivations), and to read them. On the other hand, they rarely understood what I was saying. Over time, I understood that other people's mind seemed to work differently than mine, and most of them to seemed to see the world in a different way that I do. As a teenager, I didn't really try to communicate at all and was often having fun saying stuff just to see people not getting what I was talking about. As a adult, of course I changed my attitude towards other people. I had to study them like ants in order to get how they are thinking, and how they are interacting with one another. I also tried to be more self-aware and in control of myself when interacting with them in order to fit into msot situations. It took me years to improve, I'm still working on this. Actually, it took me years and years to find a way to fit into professional siutations, which was quite problematic.
3) Couple is probably not for me. While I've got plenty of obsessions, it seems that I'm immune to one that everyone else seem to have : Sex. I don't think I'm 100% asexual, but my mind have very little room for it. It's relatively rare when I feel actually attracted to someone, even when I do it's hardly "strong" enough to make me try anything at all. As for romantic involvement, this is even rarer, and it takes me a long time to even indentify that feeling. I think it's also difficult for me if someone is interested in me. When I was younger, I was sure that no one could be interessted in me, and I thought it was for the best since no one interested me. Later, I realised that some misguided woman might have been actually interested in me, but that I was just enable to see them. So basically, the probability for me to develop some feelings for someone and to realise that those feelings might by mutual are pretty low.
IV) Bonus
It also seem that I have hypermobility, which makes my joints rather fragile. I developped a tendinopathy due to this. I needed surgery to to treat it. I think this is relevant here, because I red that there is a comorbidity between anxiety problems and hypermobilty. The absence of clear causal relation between those 2 pathologies made me think of a genetic condition.
Thank you, if you had the courage to read all of this. Please tell me what you are thinking about all this. Do you think that some of the things I've described might be part of the same condition ? If so, does this sound like some variant of autism or something you might know ? Or maybe my anxiety just makes me imagining things that aren't there ?
22 Jan 2021, 2:57 pm
