I am a 45 year old married woman, mother to three children: Jess, 27, bi=polar dx: Jack, 13, no dx yet....middle school brought a recognition by us that his social skills arent "typical": and Vannah, 12, dx with autism at 27 months. During my time raising the two younger ones, while dealing with all the problems of the older one's diagnosis, I came to some realizations, and I do owe my query into my on life to a lovely older woman who has passed on, but who urged me to look at ME as a spectrumite. I had been so set on being mom and raising children, that i never looked at the big picture until then. Off i went on a journey of self=discovery, by dredging up my childhood. I could easily see my daughter in myself as a child(the younger, autistic one), and maybe i always could, but didnt realize it, because she is verbal, has a good hold on all her stims except talking to herself, and is able to express herself in ways i never dreamed she would.
I suppose it is an important fact that when my son was born, I was immediately treating him for what i had deemed in myself as social anxiety disorder. I was adamant about not wanting my children to go through the hell of trying to figure out how to get along in a world of people who seem to all know how to do things I dont. I honestly think this may be the reason we didnt see my son's social problems until middle school. I gave him good skills, but they dont near cover the skills neccessary to feel like you fit in in middle school(how hard was middle school for you? I finally made a friend in middle school myself, and another through her. She was the biggest example of my school years on how to be. But i was so aware of my own abnormalties, that i found myself still not feeling normal, but i did have a longing to fit in, have a friend....be like anyone but me, who couldnt ever find the words in a crowd of people. I almost failed high school because i could not give a speech in front of the class. That same friend talked my teacher into letting her get up with me and we taught a dance to the class. I would not have a diploma if not for that friend.
As i went into high school, my parents were back and forth about marriage and divorce. All of mine and my brothers social anxieties were blamed on my Dad, who was an alcoholic. But i knew he didnt cause my anxiety....i'm sure living in a war zone didnt help, but it was within me. My dad was actually the reason i wanted to be able to come out of my shell. He was a musician, and he could carry a conversation with anyone. He would go out and play with bands, and that was my secret wish, although i knew i'd never acheive it, because i knew i'd never get up in front of anyone to sing. I was throughout my childhood, my own entertainer. I could do it all...even skate. I did it all in my mind, on my screen...the one to the left of my head, that i see words on. Most images are not as easy to put there, but my inner self was on that screen, doing the things i wanted to be able to do.
My mom, just wanted to be left alone. Her hugs are stiff to this day. She was labled mentally ill after she had a breakdown while going through divorce. She managed to raise us, though, alone. And my oldest child. and my brother as an adult, who has a tentative dx of Aspergers. And my daughters child. In high school, i began trying to fit in by trying things other kids did. Smoking. Didnt help me any, but made me part of the smoking crowd. That was at fifteen. Alcohol...and as i write this understand that i do NOT recommend alcohol for anyone wanting to treat social anxiety, because in the end, if you have the alcoholic gene, you will NOT be who you want to be. But, alcohol did do something I'd never experienced. I could suddenly talk to people in a way i'd never done. But, it was alcohol that caused my first sexual experience to be in essence a rape I then denied. It was alcohol that allowed my naivete to let others destroy me. I was pregnant by a guy i was dating at seventeen. I was also doing drugs by then, although i did quit everything, even smoking, while i was pregnant. As soon as i had my baby, i was the same immature girl. I was trying to do good, but my mom found my trying trying. She decided she wanted my baby when i first found i was pregnant. And in the end, that is what she got. I could not fight my mom. And that heartbreak would last for ten years, until alcohol had me on the ground, being supported by angels that come along. I wound up in an abusive relationship where i couldnt drink, and have not been a drinker for the most part since.
My senior year in high school, i took psychology. I loved it, because i did study people to try and figure them out all of m life. In the psychology class, we learned about autism. As i studied the material, i was very excited. This was me.....or it seemed so, until it said they didnt have language. Well, i did have language. So, i let it go. My behviors were always blamed on my dad and my own alcholism. Even the ones i had as a child, somehow had to do with that in my family's mind. I lost my family for a long time, and while we talk now, I will never be able to really feel what they want me to feel. The betrayed never do. My brother was always noticed to be different, because he hated school and had great difficulty. I liked going, because it wasnt the war zone. I loved words, loved learning to read. Books were my number one friend throughout my life as a kid. My mom was different, but she didnt think it was her....she blamed my dad. But I, like my dad, was just deemed a drunk.
It took working with my daughter to really get that maybe, just maybe, i didnt just have social anxiety disorder. I am going to a psychologist some, but not often enough to really get the answers. It's hard for an adult to get anyone to understand that autism grows up, and becomes the odd uncle Jim, or the crazy aunt sally. I personally think this may be the answer to why the rise in autism /aspergers. We always existed, but there were no labels. There was a time when you were expected, and made to fit in to some degree, and, then you grow up, and find yourself struggleing constantly with a world that makes no sense. I do take things very literally, and cannot lie without pain in my temple. I have never found a group i fit in with better than this group. My daughter was severely autisitic, but i think she had the propensity genetically, and then we know she had problems with candida yeast overgrowth, milk, and red dyes. Her diet left the latter two out, and was responsible for many of her improvements. The diet changed her from severly autistic to moderately immediately(3 days).
I am sorry this intro was so long. I do hope to be of help here, and maybe get some help as well. I have no friend in real life, except for my husband, and kids. I look forward to getting to know you all. I am a hugger....mostly due to my lesbian stint in life. Gay people hugged in my area....it was expected, and i conformed. Iv'e been blasted for being a hugger, but both me and my autistic daughter have great empathy. I would say that when we are not involved in our own mind, we are hyper aware of others feelings. They say autistics cant do that.....i say they are wrong. They just dont understand the mind enough yet.
tygereyes
23 Jul 2007, 10:54 am
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