How to forum again? Been a while.

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I “knew” at 19.
I told a friend. “Nah, dude! You seem pretty normal to me.”
I told my mom. “Why do you think that? Autistic people are violent…”

I told no one else.

I developed crippling social anxiety as an adult. And major depressive disorder.

2012. I happily married an unbelievably intuitive man. Have never lived on my own. Can’t hold a job for even a whole year. Can’t make a friend to save my life.

I spiraled. I broke. I mentally bullied myself.

2015-18. I had two beautiful children. I tried. I felt guilty, disconnected. But so much love for my little family. But still lonely, isolated. Am I doing enough?

2021. I talked to my husband. He heard me, believed me, affirmed me. Took me to a doctor. I behaved badly - of course I was stressed…

The doctor said “don’t think so” but referred me to psych. Psych said “scizoaffective”, prescribed antipsychotics. I refused. She referred me to a specialist I couldn’t afford.

I tried the community mental health clinic, who ridiculed me and then said, “well in any case, we don’t evaluate adults.”

I went to the specialist, the pricey one. She heard me. I cried. She scheduled testing. I waited a month for the diagnostic report.

Hello, everyone. My name is Buffy. I’ve treated myself badly for the last 12 years. I was afraid to seek diagnosis. I weighed myself down with toxic thoughts, comparing myself to higher levels and feeling guilty, buying into the idea that I was too “high-functioning” for a diagnosis to matter even if I thought - sometimes KNEW - I was on the spectrum. I just needed to try harder. Figure it out. Be better. I was afraid it wouldn’t be seen, acknowledged. I was afraid being told “no” would break me.

Then I realized… I’m not functioning. I’m friendless, jobless, and without my husband, I would be homeless. I’m already broken. Can’t. Let. This. Get. Worse.

It’s time.

I took that terrifying step. I needed to. It HAD to be on paper.

It was stressful. Beyond. My husband carried me through it. I spent months of nights stressing, pacing, prattling on to my poor tired husband when I was too wound up to sleep.

My first session with the specialist, I knew I was finally in the right place. This was a woman who SAW me.

I did the testing. It was juvenile. It was difficult. It was infuriating. It made me feel STUPID.

I waited. I researched. I read. I badgered my husband. I prepared my son for starting kindergarten. I tried not to project thoughts of ASD onto my temperamental 3-year-old daughter.

I went in for the results of my evaluation. Yesterday.

ASD Level 1. I cried, I laughed. I wanted to hug the specialist. But COVID. So I didn’t. I should have anyway. I regret that. A little.

She offered me a weekly slot, free of charge, for the foreseeable future. Beneficial to my single-income family with two small children. Beneficial to her research to improve her understanding of Autism in adults. I felt guilty, she encouraged me. I agreed. She apologized for pushing it on me. No, no. I would have done my best to afford seeing her regularly anyway. I need this. Guidance. Tools to move forward. To reach my potential. To live MY best life. I’m so grateful.

I’m so light. So new. So relieved. So grateful.

My mental illnesses still exist. Obviously. But I know they’ll go away. I’m going to learn how my brain works and move forward. I’m going to be healthy.

I’m an Aspie now. And it’s on paper. And that matters. I can’t even self-doubt anymore, much less let others define me. I know who I am. I KNOW.

I think I’ll get a Phoenix tattoo. I always wanted one. Now seems appropriate. It’ll probably hurt, right?

I’ve been waiting so long for my life to start. All the while missing out. I don’t have to be told that part. But I feel okay right now. Maybe I’ll make some friends, too.

I know it isn’t new or special or interesting, but it feels that way for me right now. I’m just going to be happy for a little while.

P.S. I haven’t been in a forum community since, I don’t know, 2004? I’m a little overwhelmed.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Thank you!

Welcome aboard.

Thanks.

Welcome to WP from a fellow Texan!

Haha, thanks, Tim!

Welcome to WP! And though I am not a Texan can I get partial credit because I'm married to one?

And congratulations on your new self-knowledge. Getting my Autism Spectrum Disorder, Level 1 (Mild) diagnosis explained so much.

P.S. It sounds like you have a good marriage to a good husband. I hope he's gotten a hug out of all of this--it sounds like he's earned a few. (One of my traits is not being too fond of hugging, but my bride is an exception.)

Thanks Double Retired!
Sure, take all the credit you want!

And yes, my husband gets all the hugs all the time. When I feel okay.

I do have a mental hangup with public affection, as well as unexpected touch. He tries to respect that. But usually, he’s very much the entirety of my safe space.

Also, I love that you call her your “bride.”
It sounds like you treasure her. I love that!

I'm not much of a hugger but I've been learning the signs so I can sometimes offer my Bride one when she needs it. (We're old and so are many of her friends...so sometimes there is bad news.)

I do treasure her. Many unlikely things aligned so that much to my surprise I ended up married. We married in 2000 and I've been calling her "My Bride" since then. When people ask I rationalize it with either "The Chaplain said she was my Bride and I'm not going to argue with a Chaplain" or "The surprise hasn't worn off yet." In reality it makes me happier to call her that.

We'd been married 19 years when I was diagnosed as being on the Spectrum and suspected my continued use of "My Bride" was almost certainly a "symptom".

My Bride says she does not mind being The Bride. But sometimes she mentions Kill Bill!

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Depends on where you get the tattoo. I have an upper arm one, the only bit that really hurt was the bony shoulder.

Welcome to WP