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Hi this is my first post. I was recently diagnosed with ASD as an adult. Being middle aged means that I have a lot of unpacking to do. My partner was very supportive pre diagnosis and is quite supportive now. I only have a small family, mother, sister and my sons none of whom live with me. However, since being diagnosed my partner, sister and one son all think they too are autistic. Before my diagnosis I felt I could speak freely to my partner about my autism. The problem is that because my partner thinks they could be autistic too, nearly every time I want to talk about parts of my life, past and present that are affected by autism, my partner turns the subject onto their own self diagnosed autism. This makes me feel that I am unable to discuss my own autism with the person I trust the most. This makes me feel lonely. I dont think my partner has autism due to the lack of atypical behaviour but nor am I a psychologist. I think my partner has been to the doctors but says there is a long waiting list. Just wanted to share this because I dont have anyone else to talk too.

kuze

Welcome to WP! And...

I had never even heard of the Autism Spectrum before 2019. It was at the beginning of 2019 "Reality" hinted to me that I should learn about it. I quickly saw many of my traits and asked my bride to also read about it. After a few months we both decided I was probably a High Functioning Autistic and I sought a formal assessment--and the diagnosis ended up being: Autism Spectrum Disorder, Level 1 (Mild).

The reason I mention this is that while we were doing the research my bride also noticed that she had many of the traits and she began wondering whether that indicated she might be Autistic!

I don't know about your partner but I can tell you about my bride. She is very much ADHD and it turns out the high-end of ADHD and the mild end of the Autism Spectrum overlap on a number of traits. It was pointing out two key differences on the chart below that persuaded my bride she was not Autistic.



Apparently other conditions can also be mistaken for Autism.

And, you mention long waits. Issues of getting to appropriate doctors vary from country to country. If you narrow your location down it might help others from that part of the world to advise using local knowledge. I'm not suggesting you get too specific, but maybe what country?

But, definitely, Welcome to WP!

Hi DR and thanks a lot for the welcome and for sharing your experience.

I live in England. My partner has PTSD and some dissociative (logs out) behaviour so I definitely think the doctor is the way forward. I need to be more supportive, I remember feeling doubt ahead of my assessment and I dont want my partner feeling like that. My partner has some friends coming to the house today and I've been anxious all week about it. I'm not very good in social situations. Perhaps my first post was anxiety collateral.

Similar to you, I didn't know what ASD was until earlier this year. Being diagnosed is helping to understand my past. I have always been different, socially abstract; the king of the awkward silence! My mother said I was diagnosed with hyperkinetic disorder when I was 2 followed by a few years of social workers. Got into bother with the law and went to court a few times when I was 15/16 and had a brush with schizophrenia shortly after; a passive aggressive man used to appear in my head and talk down to me and tell me to act abhorrently. Being older now I think I'm in a better place.

Thanks again for saying hello!

kuze

Have you tried to negotiate with them, explicitly, about how the two of you can have conversations that satisfy both your own desire to talk about your own autism and their desire to talk about their own autism?

Maybe the two of you need to use something like a talking stick?


There are many different kinds of autism, and some autistic people "mask" more than others. (Google "autistic masking" for more about this, if you are not yet familiar with the concept.)

[quote="kuze"]

I live in England. My partner has PTSD and some dissociative (logs out) behaviour so I definitely think the doctor is the way forward. I need to be more supportive, I remember feeling doubt ahead of my assessment and I dont want my partner feeling like that. My partner has some friends coming to the house today and I've been anxious all week about it. I'm not very good in social situations. Perhaps my first post was anxiety collateral.

Hi Mona

Thanks for the advice, I read quite a lot on ASD and I agree that my partner could be masking their behaviour.

kuze

The talking stick idea might work. Or may be set a timer. You talk about your autism for 15mins and then, your partner talks about her autism for 15mins and then swap.

There are some folk on WP from the UK. Maybe one of them will wander by this thread. I do recall comments that it takes a long time to get a formal assessment there.

I'm in the U.S. The problem I ran into was that I was a 64-year old who wanted an assessment. I tried working through my insurance provider and they tried to be quick and helpful...but only succeeded in being quick and wrong. It took me a few months to find out what medical support I really should look for. (I just wanted the assessment, by the way. I was already happily retired. I just wanted to know! And after finding out you could fairly guess that one of my thoughts was: "So that's what's wrong with everyone!")

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Hope that you will manage to solve your problem.

Thanks for all your words of support. No need for the talking stick (good idea though), we had a good talk yesterday morning which was inspired by your comments and I think now we are in a good place. My partners friends that were due yesterday did not even show up. Four days of anxiety for nothing! Who would even have friends anyway!? Well, me actually. Just one maybe. At least thats what I tell myself sometimes. I dont know, I sometimes see other people with friends, and sometimes its fascinating to witness the interaction. Its been so long since I had someone other than my partner that I could call a friend. I mean I have work colleagues but we dont socialise, I just keep myself to myself. I think I have trust issues too. After I left school in 90's I had one friend but they fell off the radar about ten years ago, they just stopped answering the phone. I think this person may have their own issues. I think my point is that sometimes I think I want a friend but it seems unachievable. In a way I'm pretty happy just having acquaintances I rarely see. My partner is my best friend.

kuze

Hi and a warm welcome, kuze . Glad to read that the communication has since improved with your partner, that they are learning to listen and support you better, the way that you need. Good to have you with us.