Until a month ago I had never told anyone about this quality I have. I've never known of any other person who has it. Whether it's related to my Asperger's or ADHD is unknown, but I think it's at least indirectly related. I've known about this quality from a very early age, but I could never find a way to describe it until now:
Any environment that is ominous/mysterious and feels like there's a power behind it, even if it is subtly so, completely draws me in and makes me want to experience it with others. This could be a cold, dark, wintery night; hidden rooms in unexpected places; tunnels, long straight paths, a tunnel formed by individual arches, and many more things like that. Because this slightly mirrors my interests in real life, I feel as though it burbles up from my subconscious to inspire me to explore more concepts. The strongest evidence of it being subconscious is that I think of them most often in dreams.
I imagine myself experiencing those environments with others almost immediately after I imagine the environments, as though it creates a sense of intimacy. I also find myself wanting to share heavy emotions with that imagined person, such as extreme joy or sadness (I think joy and sadness are emotions that exist so that we can bond over them). I think this is because the powerful mysteriousness affects me so much that it makes me desire to share that with another, and in the process fosters such a deep connection that it makes me want to personally connect with them in other ways.
This can also create a sense of power within me that I feel exists to celebrate and emphasize the importance of these environments I like. This power and the wish for connection doesn't even have to be while I'm in the said environment. It can sometimes just be for no reason. It's why I love Christmas, because everyone shares joy. It's why I love late-night group discussions, because everyone shares their true feelings. It's why I love literally any event where people connect. Now if you knew me already, you would be a little surprised to hear that. Here's why:
I realized long ago that people don't react to these certain environments the way I do, and people seldom connect with others through strong emotions - only when they have a good reason to. So I got more and more reserved as I got older. I grew up realizing more and more that people don't want to connect with me the way I want to connect with them. It's just not who they are. At least everyone who I've met. Literally everyone. I figured it would make them weirded out. Now, in terms of the socialization we do every day, I've actually gotten pretty good at that (except for romantic relationships, which I've never really found a compatible person for). But it's not what I need. Every day I'm surrounded by interaction, engaging discussion, getting to know people, bonding, and despite all that I still feel lonely. It's like there's a whole nother level of socialization that I'm being starved of. I've been having strong visions since the summer of last year, of these environments and the people I spend them with, or just visions of being with people and having that connection. The visions are growing stronger, painfully stronger, and I think they will continue to grow stronger until the visions come true.
What are everyone's thoughts on this? Does anybody else think they have these traits? Do you feel so alone being like this that you would have posted this exact same post on here?
15 Nov 2021, 4:55 pm
