Greetings,
I'm diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, otherwise dictioned as "high-functioning autism".. the "high-functioning" part I must disagree with, in regards to personal self-care and awareness, because I'm anything but.
This is a "hello/newb/get to know me" post; also expressing my current predicament in understanding of what the f**k it is that I'm going through, in hopes that others can relate and provide feedback.
Changes, in perspective. My masking abilities are unattainable, broken and erased from memory, having lost them to the post-covid "lock-down", hyper-polarized, politicized, weaponized, hyper-vigilant, violent and paranoid world that I see myself stuck in today.
Diagnosed at beginning of the viral & social pandemics of societies' 2020s... I made it by, this far; I made it through.. but, now I'm empty.. nothing left to give to others, much less towards myself, but I try.
Family loves me at a distance, these days... friends are cold to my reaching out to them.. the silent indifference expressed through others is deafening and excruciatingly painful. Sure, I can at times handle bullying, harassment and threats from "neighbors", whom see my oddball-natured self as a "danger" to them and their families, as the gossip reigns behind my walls of silence..
Communal apartment living, during my first attempt at "living alone" and "adulting" with family and community support; to my new place of residence, it's as if I'm an anomaly that requires social exclusion and punishment for being "strange", "weird", "creepy", although sure I'm eccentric.. but not everything they assume.. creating this ridiculous and asinine narrative of their own making..
I've done nothing wrong, aside that I keep to myself at extremes, assisted by rehashed agoraphobia, a few loud melt-downs here and there; fueled by new and old traumas alike; of which I'd experienced and overcame slightly... before, during, and after covid-lockdown, as new (yet old) forms of worldly social unrest began to wreck havoc on the human condition, given the new factions created of "us vs them"..
Given this new world of disorganized contempt and revitalized prejudice... it seems that my autistic traits attracts only further suspicion and gossip from strangers; perpetuating further chosen isolation, eventually; inducing delusion, blended in with current reality.
Perhaps it's specific only to local the culture of where I live, but regardless.. This existence is tiring and I wish people would learn to bug-off and leave me be; to resolve my misery in peace; unless, they are of good intention, which based on my past history of interacting with those outside from myself, seems scarce...
People are cruel and I get it... that they've always been, since the dawn of man.. but it doesn't lesson the heat in my kitchen, an inferno burning up all that of which that I hold dear...
My sanity, my struggle to realign with the cruelty of others, whilst implementing methods taught by well-meaning souls to "Be Strong"... but it's not enough..
So here I am, introducing myself and hoping to make some good friends, that I can relate with, at best and carry on good conversation, at worst..
Sure, there are more autism communities out there more up-to-date-& "hip" social platforms, but nothing beats the nostalgia of an old-school, type of social forum.
Anyhow, that's all and Hello.