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Hello all. I am not sure where to start but...

My wife and I had a discussion recently where we seemed to agree that I might have some signs consistent with the autism spectrum. I don't fit the clinical diagnosis - I don't have any repetitive issues or behaviors but I definitely don't get much of the social scene. I don't like groups, especially family get-togethers. I guess actually I shouldn't say I don't like them, but don't really enjoy them. I prefer not to try to carry a conversation and will usually just listen to everyone else.

Our bigger issue is that she says she feels isolated and that I don't care about her. I do care, but assume my interpretation and hers apparently differ on how that is shown. She feels I don't participate in relationships, either with her or with our grandkids - who live with us and their mom. She is probably right. I don't suggest activities - I have no idea what those might be usually. I don't plan trips or events and don't really want to. I have taken them to the park once or twice and try to talk about activites they do but it probably doesn't happen as regularly as it should. She says I am making the same mistakes I made when our three kids were growing up - not being very involved. I think I was - at least at times. I coached soccer for both boys and we made it to all the games. I worked swing shift (3-11 PM) for a lot of their formative years so that likely played a role as well. Working at the County jail was probably not the best way for a shy, kind person to grow much emotionally!! But it is what it is and here I am.

She also says she doesn't think I really have gotten to know her...after 35 years of marriage. In the past 5-10 years she says she has basically withdrawn from the relationship and it shows. She is brusque and short with me a lot. I feel she shows love and care for everyone in the house, daughter, grandkids, dogs, cats etc. but not really for me. It is very lonely and I want it to change but I assume she has to as well. There is a long record now of resentment and *almost-it seems* hatred and I am not sure how or if she can change even if I want to.

She said she wants me to show I care, to "court" her again but it is hard when I don't even like her sometimes.

There is a lot going on and I am looking for steps I can take to figure out where to go from here.


Thanks

Doug

First and foremost, welcome to Wrong Planet. I hope you find it worth frequenting.

We cannot diagnose you here, of course, but something that I remembered while reading your post was that some Autism traits occur for other reasons. That is, just having some Autism traits doesn't necessarily mean someone is Autistic. These might help verify whether Autism is likely for you:
>- Autism-Spectrum Quotient Test (AQ) 
>- Aspie Quiz ^{Registering is optional!}
Being sure of your premise would seem to be an important consideration for you.

Something else I wondered was whether a very clear Introversion preference is also involved.

In addition to an Autism Spectrum Disorder, Level 1 (Mild) I also have a very clear MBTI Introversion preference. "Fortunately" my bride is ADHD and we have no children so she keeps herself occupied most of the time without much help from me. We do have overlapping taste in movies and TV so most evenings I try to watch something with her. In the past we used to also sometimes play games together. Those kinds of shared activities seemed to work for us. Plus I like to take her out for dinner. But your best common ground might not be the same as ours but I hope you can find it.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Doug

Welcome to the site.

Let me begin by explaining two very different types of people. They are called introverts and extroverts. Most people fall into one of these categories. I am an extreme introvert. I suspect you are an introvert also, perhaps not extreme.

Extroverts charge up their internal batteries by getting in a group of people. They talk and talk and talk and very quickly their batteries are charge and THEY ARE GOOD TO GO.

Introverts are very different. We need alone time to charge up our internal batteries. We find a corner, read a book, play a video game, watch television. So the stress that we have inside us melts away and we get our batteries charged.

Now the next point I need to make is that about half the people in the U.S. are introverts and the other half are extroverts. Test show it is around a 50/50 mix.

In your case I suspect you are an introvert and your wife is an extrovert. Your wife seems to fell stress. This is rolling over to you and giving you stress. I am not sure of the solution. Taking her and the kids/grandkids to various activities might help the situation. That may be hard on you, but you are there to help your wife and this is one method to recharge her batteries.

Remember extroverts recharge their internal batteries by being with others and talking, talking, talking.

Welcome aboard sir, as I see to your first class stateroom near the captain's quarters.