Hi everyone,
I just wanted to share this with you as I've just outed myself to family and friends. Being vulnerable is scary but it's a HUGE relief.
Getting an autism diagnosis was a huge shock even though I already knew. I think I was most shocked at how easily the psychiatrist gave me the diagnosis as I was expecting some doubt. Initially it was a lot to process but now it’s a HUGE relief
If your wondering why I went looking for the answers at my age ( age 62) it’s really simple. All my life I’ve been “masking” trying to fit in, analysing every conversation, wondering if I’ve said the wrong thing, feeling like an alien, trying to be someone that I’m not, feeling very lonely.
From a young age I knew I was different and quickly learned that I had to “pretend” to fit in and it was terrifying. I've always felt safer being on my own because I don’t have to pretend any more. I get so anxious at the thought of social gatherings and would rather poke my eyes out .lol.
In relationships I felt like I was drowning as I had to wear the mask 24/7. Autistic people are generally very trusting so I was naïve and didn’t make good choices for myself. Better to avoid them now .lol.
There is a lot of current research exploring the way women and girls experience autism and it's not the same as the stereo typical male version, mainly because we're better at hiding it. Autistic females are much more likely to experience sexual violence in relationships because they tend to be more trusting and sadly 30 times more likely to take their own life that non autistic females. Females with an eating disorder diagnosis are currently being reassessed for autism because food and exercise are typically a significant feature of autism.
For me sensory issues are my nemesis. I can hear and smell things that other people don't and now realise that this is the reason why I've moved house so many times. I'm constantly trying to escape noise that I can't control, but apart from isolating myself completely I know I have to find ways to manage this. It's very overwhelming being constantly bombarded with noise and smells. Textures and patterns are also very challenging so I buy ultra soft bedding and tend to stick to plain comfy clothes.
It’s a myth that autistic people don’t have empathy because I have it in spades. We can feel empathy more intensely than neurotypical people and I have a lot of trouble controlling my emotions. Privately I have meldowns ( pretty messy ) which I used to hate myself for but now I understand what it's about.
When I was diagnosed I was encouraged to stop “masking” and accept myself and all my foibles and I now see how crucial that is for my mental health. I’ve joined a few online forums so that I can be with “my tribe” and I’m no longer ashamed to admit that I’m autistic. The more I learn about it the more freeing it is. I'm so grateful to all the people out there that are talking about it as it's really helped me and I hope I can do the same.
It's a HUGE relief to be able to tell you all of this and please don't be alarmed if you see me rocking back and forth .. lol.
Love and Peace.
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Autism is not something I have it is a natural way of being .
16 Mar 2023, 5:32 am
daughter is autistic but she clearly doesn't want to go there. My feeling is that she's not ready to face it. Maybe one day !
