Hello and I need help (tw: suicide)

Post Reply New Topic

Hi everyone, I'm a 24 years old male (he/him) from a non-english speaking country. Although I don't have a formal diagnosis yet, I strongly believe that I'm autistic. In fact, I will be reevaluated in a couple days by a psychiatrist who is experienced in neurodevelopmental disorders.

I have been severely depressed and planning to commit suicide for the last 2 months. This is nothing new, I have been depressed, anxious and (at times) suicidal for as long as I can remember. I'm a final-year medical student but I hate medical school and I don't want to be a doctor. I don't know what to do. I've been in medical school for 6 years now and if I quit now, I'll have to study another degree for 4 years. My family surely won't just accept this. They will tell me that I'm lazy and just don't want to work, like they always do whenever I get depressed. I'm not lazy, I just can't do things that require me to interact with people, like being a doctor or a waiter. I want to work as a programmer and develop mobile apps and video games. That seems like the most fitting job for a person like me, as I have also spent tens of thousands of hours of my life playing video games. I don't know how to code yet though.

You might wonder why I went medical school at the first place. High school has been a living hell for me and I still don't know how I survived it. Picking medical school was an extremely unhealthy decision made during that time of my life where I had no hope or care for my future. I even remember saying "I don't see a future for myself" to a family member and being made fun of for "being edgy".

I am literally at the rock bottom and seriously considering suicide because I feel trapped and hopeless inside this life. I don't think that my family will understand me and I don't think that I can survive without my family's help.

Why am I telling you all this? I don't know. Maybe you can say something that can help me. I never connected with other autistic adults before.

I'm a programmer and I've often thought that being a diagnostic radiologist is the best job in the world.

Very well paid. Don't interact with patients. Get to sit in a dark room all day.

You've listed a lot of negative things. May I ask what things you enjoy? What are your special interests?

I almost went back to school to be an ultrasound tech. ^
I thought that would be perfect.

Welcome, pathfinder.
I hope you find good support here.

I enjoy creating things. When I was a kid I used to make fantasy playing cards (like Yu-Gi-Oh or Magic the Gathering) with paper and crayons, I would draw a character, name it and give it stats. I would design logos for imaginary companies that don't exist, each with a different art style. Before adolescense, I would make up games to play with my friends at school during recess. I would imagine fantasy worlds like the ones in LotR or GoT and try to draw maps for them. I guess as time passed by and my mental health kept deteriorating, I forgot who I was, what I was good at and what I enjoyed.

Medicine is the polar opposite. You need to memorize info (an endless amount of info) and just apply it. You're a passive actor being told what to do. You don't create anything, you just do delivery. So, yeah, there are branches where you are relatively isolated (like radiology or pathology) but its still medicine and I hate medicine.

If you're asking what I enjoy subject-wise, I'm interested in history, philosophy, politics, sociology, psychology, evolution, classical music, music theory, story writing and probably a bunch more stuff that I can't think of at the moment.

Thank you. I hope I can get my formal diagnosis as well.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

I was never much into drawing but I got into DND pretty young and was always making campaign ideas and character ideas. Have you considered doing more of that in the side. Having someone you enjoy doing outside with may make work more tolerable.

Are there are restaurants opportunities for doctor's? Would that be something you enjoy?

Sleep clinic technician is a good one. You mostly just sit there through most of the night making sure the recording gear is running. There's a little intersection interaction at the beginning and that's it. Typically, if you want to study or read, you can.

You are alive right now ....this is something factual ..if you prefer death then obviously you are entertaining a unknown....You have gone through much schooling ..and learning.The world has been set up that you must make money in order to survive( generally outside of a institutional setting), Consider becoming a doctor as merely a stepping stone ,To other things. A Doctorate after your name , allows a smidgen more respect for your opinion.
This can carry over to other things i think . And It is just as possible to get into a research position or consultant as opposed to dealing directly with the public . Worst you might have to get through might be residency,And have heard that is hard on a person physical and mental stuff. But you will be able to make aliving most anywhere.
Am saddened that your have considered terminating yourself ... because each day, depending on the situations yoou put yourself into in RL can be a RL learning experience ...the most valuable you might have...Obviously you must have something going right or you might not have made it all the way to med school..And many aspies could only dream they could have held up to the rigors of self discipline to get where you are .
Hang In there .. Regardless of what you end up doing , Aspies need people with titles( letters) after their names to perhaps help the overall opinion of peoples in authority to be making healthy decisions for the influences that might affect Aspies. Consider the money you make from your career to fund whatever your eventual interests might be.Keep On Keepin on !

Another massive problem is, masking made me so stupid. I am forcing all my brain power into masking my autism and there is simply no room left for cognitive processes like learning something. My brain isn't flowing in its natural path. And I've been masking since forever. I'm so exhausted and got so dumb.

You know how some people make these unbelievably complex redstone circuits to simulate Minecraft inside Minecraft? That's how it feels like inside my brain. Incredibly high power & memory consuming.

Sounds like a bad case of burnout to me.

How did you come to think that you are autistic? How long have you suspected?

I was 14 when I first told a family member that I have "social phobia" and as always I wasn't taken serious. That's what I thought my problem was for the next 7-8 years. Social anxiety, phobia, shyness and being an introvert. I guess I first started suspecting of autism a couple years ago. What made me suspect of autism is probably simply getting to know about it. I probably thought autism was only about kids rocking back and forth and not talking to anybody prior to that. The more I learned, the more it made sense that I might be autistic.

I think I'm autistic because I always had big problems with social interaction and I don't have any friends. And the key point is, I never felt a driving force to approach to people and make friends. I have one close friend from high school who lives in another city and whom I suspect might also be autistic or have autistic traits. I feel like I'm constantly faking my personality and I'm never being myself. I also can't bond with people, whether with my family members or friends, all my relationships are superficial. I'm bad at understanding and expressing my emotions and also bad at facial expressions. I have been bullied my entire middle school and high school years. I also have OCD like symptoms and some sensory sensitivities mostly tactile and auditory. I hate changes in my daily life. I also always felt like I wasn't fitting in anywhere and I was a freak.

I can see where you are coming from. You are not a freak. Amazing yes but not a freak. It is a huge accomplishment what you have been able to do in spite of your difficulties.

You mentioned being overwhelmed by masking. I haven't always been aware of my making but I'm staying to see it more and more. Reminding dinner if it has helped as well as adapting to my sensory needs by wearing sunglasses for example.

Are there any masks you can drop or limit? Or perhaps a tone or space you can unmask for a bit during the day?

Signs like your family is not very supportive. I'm sorry about that. This community seems very supportive, but there might also be a group in your area where you can meet others and have both online and in person support. I know the more I learn about this the more things seem to make sense.


How much longer do you have in your school? You said final year but when is graduation?

I've started my final year this July and its a full year of internship so my expected graduation date is June 2024.

I believe my family would be supportive if they have understood the scope of what I'm going through, but so far that has never been the case. They do love me, but they also keep minimizing my problems and like I said, I think I have a superficial relationship with them. Not a real bond with any family member. Currently I don't know how to tell them that I'm seriously suicidal. It feels like talking to them about this makes it look like I'm threatening them with suicide. And on the other hand, If I want to kill myself why would I talk about this to people who can stop me from doing so? Its really a difficult situation and I don't know what to do. I have told my psychiatrist that I'm thinking about suicide, maybe she can talk to my family instead of me. I'm not sure if there's a community for autistic adults near me but I really doubt it.

I don't know how to drop my masking. It would be a complete 180 degree turn for the people that know me. A complete personality change. That's why I'm desperately seeking a formal diagnosis, to have an explanation for everything. I also don't know who I am anymore so I don't know how to be myself even when I'm in a space where I don't have to mask.

I read your first post. Not sure I can help you. I am an old Aspie (Asperger's Syndrome). I tend to see you describe yourself in terms of a Yes or No decision. But your decision is really a variable decision. I worked my whole life as a dual person. I lived one life at work and one life at home. They were two very different worlds. I worked hard in my career field but as a also lead an entirely different life at home. It was two very different lives.

So I guess what I am advising you is to open up you mind and think bigger thoughts. If you are anything like me, you have vast, vast energy. Do not constrain yourself but rather go forth and live great adventures, do all that is deep inside you. Become a doctor and if that doesn't really work out then become a different type of doctor. Expand your options.

You don't need to drop the whole mask all at once. Pick little things you can experiment with.

Sounds like you have a good relationship with your family, they don't understand but they sound like they care.

Id chalk that up as a win. Have you tried writing down things that you are grateful for or that make you happy?

Small changes can help have big effects, a slight change of focus can really help to get through tough times.

Last edited by swrider on 28 Aug 2023, 12:19 am, edited 1 time in total.