getting old now(or atleast feel like it)

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I've never been diagnosed in my life but feel I have aspergers. I was looking around on the internet one night and typed in loner in to wikipedia for the hell of it and there was a link to aspergers syndrome. I read it and it described me exactly. To give you a little background, I was two years old before I learned how to walk, to this day can not even reallly run, and was in speech class for all of elementary school. The only reason I stopped going to that was because the school hired a new speech counselor that was spanish and my parents were very upset at the fact that she was teaching me to do a rolling R to try and help me with my lisp. The school tried to have my parents charged with neglect, I remember the conselor almost crying the last time I saw her. In elementary school I would always try and talk to the school counselor but she never had time for me, she told me that there were too many other kids with bigger problems than whatever I had. It was hard for me because I was a rich kid in a lower income/working class neighborhood. I did well in class, my parents had money but I always appeared arrogant in front of other kids even though I wasn't. The couselor(on one of my very rare visits) told me that I probably would never have any friends there because they were all to jealous. Then my dad went bankrupt and my parents divorced. My mom moved us to the more affluent part of town and I became the poor kid living in the rich part of town. For many years i wasn't even going to the school in the area I lived since we moved around so many times making matters even worse. My parents were never willing to help me at all with any problems I had, be it homework or things with kids at school. Whenever I would go to talk to them, them they would yell at me because they didn't have time or know what to do(usually with homework). In all honesty, I spent several years maybe spending a total amount of time of 200 hours per year talking to somebody. This includes Hi how are you type of stuff. I'm not kidding. I would go day in and day out without saying a single thing to anybody through middle school. I didn't get bullied too much, even though I was very small I was rather strong for my size and could push the biggest kids in school across the room. Of course they would just say they were playing with me afterwords.

The closest thing I have to a friend is the son of one of my moms coworker that was practically forced to hangout with me because I had no friends. He has become a good friend now, but this is after 12 years of him belittling and mocking me. He would hangout with me just so he would have material to make fun of me with all his other friends. I'm 24 years old now and just can't see a reason to live. My childhood was spent in front of a computer and I've been suicidal since I was 14 years old. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is cause I get a sick sense of humor from watching world events go by. That and smoking pot while listening to music makes me happy, but thats about it. I'm a very cynical person. I live on my own but barely make enough money to pay the rent and have no health insurance. I just don't know what to do. I have one person in my life that's willing to help me, but he can only do so much.


Maybe this place can help me. But please don't come out with any stupid crap like I don't know how good I've got it, you'll only piss me off more. Like I was telling my friend thats trying to help me

people may want to say that my life isn't so bad. people attach so much value to physical things and to events. i'm guilty of that, mostly as far as events are concerned. but thats not what gets me off, that's not what makes me jealous. its the feeling of being left behind, of being thrown out and shutoff from everyone around you. its the feeling of being willing to do anything for others but nobody willing to do anything for you. its the feeling of everyone making a point that they don't need you for anything. its the empytiness in being content to watch the world go by, being content with simply possibly understanding people around you. its somebody saying something to you and not being able to think of something to say until two days later. its going through life with your most meaningfull contact with other people being just a fleeting token of their sympathy. its feeling like a machine, put on this world to perform tasks for others. feeling like a slave but with no other slaves around. feeling like a robot, and that when you act up your just offered medicine to make you shutup and go back to work. it's like being raped day in and day out, and then told you should be thankfull for the opportunity. being told that everything is your fault when you don't have the slightest clue what your doing wrong. being told that your lazy and that you should be punished when you don't know that your doing anything wrong and cant think of doing any better. being an example for everyone else to not follow, when you've been striving to be the best person you can.

wow, dude, you have no idea how good you got it!

psych!! ! sorry, I just couldn't resist!! please don't berate me! I was only gently teasing a new friend!

I want to welcome you to Wrong Planet. We are an electic bunch and some of us are older, self diagnosed and full of ourselves, too. My name is Merle and I would like to invite you to the Ex Dino-Aspie Cafe in the 'Getting to know you' Section, if you like. we are mostly over 40 and selfdiagnosed.

welcome to WP.

Merle

Welcome to WP!

Tim

Welcome aboard... you'll find a lot of posts here like yours....where you read them and go hey!, that's me, or that's it was/is for me also.

All I can tell you now is that with age does come wisdom if you look for it. Understanding what the problem may be is the first step. It makes growth and understanding much easier.

Hi!

Welcome to Wrongplanet!

I hope you enjoy posting here!

Welcome to WrongPlanet

You may find that most of us in the over 40 crowd are self described, self defined, and self diagnosed.

Thank you guys, hopefully this place can help me out. Being at the turning point I am going to adulthood has been making me really regret my childhood, seeing as how its over. My friend has been trying to help and console me as much as he can, but he can only do so much. It's really frustrating, I wish I had found out about this when I was younger, would have probably made a huge difference in my life.

I'll be around in a little bit, this stuff is all I've been thinking about for the past few months and I need to take a breather. Otherwise my friend may start beating me or something

You are very welcome!

Howdy

Dylan has a little song he did back in the stone age, called My Back Pages. One of the lines is, "ahh but I was so much older then, I'm younger then that now." Doesn't make sense? It will here. Let's go play. That is if you don't mind playing with someone pushing 60.

Welcome home.

Welcome shibashaba,

Your view of the world is correct, but it is the aspie Lemming who survives.

hello shibashaba,

I know how you feel. I am at the turning point of going from adult hood into old age, and it is making me really regret my adulthood and my childhood, seeing as now it is over. I didn't think anyone can assuage the feeling of what we missed, I, too, just found out I was Asperger's Syndrome all my life and never knew it until I was 57. If I could have found out about it earlier in my life it would have probably made a huge difference in my life.

So just remember, everything is relative, because according me ME, you DID find out about it earlier in your life.

Merle

yeah, you don't know how good you have it ....

(sorry - couldn't resist. At least you know I'm paying attention )

Welcome to WP.