Struggle

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Hi everyone, and yes it is has been a struggle. I'm not really sure why I've taken so long to do this...

5 years ago I was in the depths of despair when I should've been flying high. I'd just passed all my exams to gain a diploma, I'd managed to get a project at a big company with the chance of full-time employment. I was kept on after the project finished.

My "material life" as I like to call it was going well, but spiritually I was caught in a vacuum.

I remember one particular day making my way back to my desk after lunch, asking myself "what the f**k is wrong with you? It IS you, not everyone else."

I guess it was the first time I ever took a look at myself, whereas before I'd always bulldoze through life fumbling and bumbling without taking any kind of responsibility...

And then that word Autism popped into my head. I sat down at my desk and typed it into Google, much surfing later and I was convinced I had Asperger's.

I could type all night but I'll leave it here for now. Thanks for reading

Welcome to WP!

Tim

Welcome to WrongPlanet

quick reply!

Hello, HansFree.

Welcome to WP

Just to say that you are not the problem. It's this confusing illogical world that we are on that is at fault

Some of us refer to that as the AhA!! moment. For many of us it was like everything started to make sense as we looked our lives. For me a huge gulp of fresh air.

Welcome home.

thank you

i think im like tex tim, kind of borderline. i can do the NT bit, ive even had insights which have helped me to "play the game", make this NT world less confusing, almost entertaining!

but its when i think of my relationships that i become sad. im not a bad looking guy, and people's initial reaction to me is to smile, to want to know me, but ive scared people off in the past with my crazy talk, and a couple of people who were very dear to me i have no contact with anymore, mostly because i could be hurtful with my words. i realise now i was only ever trying to hurt myself...

i think ive already met the woman of my dreams, but unfortunately i managed to hurt her until the trust was gone. i found it very difficult to live with myself over this, but over time i was able to understand everything that had happened between us. my problem is that im completely clueless in the thick of it... what good is retrospection?

I always felt foreign to my surroundings, no matter where I was.

Taught myself to read at the age of 2, not a Clifford the Big Red Dog, but a Romanian Gypsy Folklore collective.

Spoke with a beat-poetry meets Hemming-Speare style in elementary school, which was unbeknownst to me until 8th grade when one of my friends said, "We don't understand you when you speak. You speak way over our heads with those big words," so I worried and worked intently on "dumbing myself down" to fit in with people around me and start using slang.

Was the first placed in a "genius" program at my school in 1st grade, and played with trig and low-level calculus by 3rd grade.
I didn't know what was wrong with me. I was told how "smart" I was, but had and still have the greatest insecurity about my intelligence. I said stupid things, and even when being serious and straight, was plagued with moments when others misinterpretted my statements as jokes, usually in a bawdy text, which enraged teachers; I would stand there confused as to why everyone was laughing and wondering why I was being sent to the principal's office.

I helped the mentally handicapped from when I started school, all the way through finally dropping out of high school. This made me so confused, as when I was with them, I felt LIKE them. How could this be when I am labeled some genius or prodigy or whatever? I could see the twinkle in their eye and the spark in their movements and certain gestures that they made were reminiscent of me. I was unaware of this syndrome and wasn't well-read on savants, but from my knowledge, didn't believe that it was fitting. Finally, I did come across Asperger's two days ago, when I was ready to diagnose myself as Schizotypal, among many other little illnesses, i.e. OCD, Bi-Polar, Social Anxiety Disorder, etc.

All of these illnesses, still didn't add up to why I see numbers the way I do or hear music as math. It didn't explain my "miracle" smarts along with my tendency to be labeled a "ditz." Asperger's hit the mark, and I should've looked it up back when I first saw Mozart and the Whale as I definitely identified with her character, but, like I said, I didn't understand autism as being something that could have a high IQ tagged with it.

The tears filled my eyes as I read the description of this syndrome and to find out that there are actually others like me, though none that I have ever met. It gives me hope that maybe something will go right in my life // that I am NOT weird, just different and special.

Just wanted to say Hi, I'm new here also, have a 6 year old autistic daughter, and all her therapists kept telling me "Your a little aspie" so started researching and it all fit and made sense of my horrific childhood. (Which I feel helped me in the long run and taught me how to "fit in" better) At my job I have to interact w/ others CONSTANTLY and I give what I call "The Acadamy Award Performance" Our rent depends on how well I can pull it off, so I'm a master at reading non-verbal cues, and I can play the game for the 25 hours a week I work. And it has become a "Game" for me, and our income depends on my winning at it. But my co-workers still call me weird ( which I'm cool w/, cause its true, I DON'T play the game for them)Also unable to maintain any kind of relationship apparently, trying to get a divorce even as I type. blah..blah...blah... I'll shut up now, just wanted you to know your not alone here. Lots of us have had to fit in just to get by in this world, espically us older ones cause there was no dx back then, Just had to muddle through, and do the best we could. I'v been lucky in finding a job that I love and that pays well, not everyones so fortunate. Can't offer any insights into relationships cause I oblivously suck at them. haha but true.

Dear HansFree:

I too am new here and have found this to be a very welcoming place.

So, explore the site and yourself, express yourself.

Hopefully you will find some assistance, comfort and inspiration here.


My best wishes.