New Member - Male Married to an Aspie Woman

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I'm new around here and I'm hoping to utilize these forums to help my relationship with my wife grow.

A little background: I'm an educator and have had a few students with varying degrees of autism, including some who would have been termed Asperger Syndrome before the DSM-V came out (and made it harder for us educators to get a broader generalization of what the students MAY be like, though I do know the quote from Dr. Stephen Shore about "if you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism").

I met my wife last year and we immediately got along. She was delightfully quirky with a heart of gold and, most importantly, treated me really well. By about our fourth or fifth date, a LOT of light bulbs were going off in my head. She seemed like she had Asperger Syndrome.

She got diagnosed at 33, first rather informally by me (armed with a background in education and an old DSM-IV), then confirmed by a therapist this past spring. So many signs went unrecognized because her parents were ignorant to it and she went to a small Catholic school in the 1990s, back when nobody really was diagnosing girls with anything of the sort. They just saw her as a shy, awkward kid with a good sense of humor and an obsession with the Bible. (I've always said that they saw her as an overachiever, yet her fascination with the Bible is similar to how some on the spectrum know everything about a topic like elevators).

On top of not being diagnosed, her mother is a narcissist and has verbally abused her for years. Her father is a conspiracy theorist and his comments have made my wife prone to persecutory delusions (which apparently can manifest themselves in people with AS, something I didn't know until I read up on the subject and found someone else with AS and no other diagnosis who had them).

Her parents, seeing that she was anxious a lot, forcibly decided to medicate her against her will despite the fact she wanted to use therapy instead. Her parents are ignorant people who think there is one solution for everything and believe the first thing they read. If they read that 2 + 2 = 5, they'd believe it like it was some indisputable truth. The side effects not only killed her self esteem and caused her other medical problems, they also were part of a medication system that didn't work and caused her to have a severe mistrust of the entire medical system, especially since she wasn't allowed to change doctors despite having ones she had poor rapport with. She also had a therapist at one time who outright lied about human anatomy to her (I would know as I was at that appointment).

EDIT: by "medicate against her will", they told her that if she didn't take the pills, they would drive her to a homeless shelter. They don't love her and she is severing ties with them as part of her recovery from the damage they have caused to her. I should also add that her parents have kept silent about a medical malpractice issue that happened, have withheld her medical records from her, including names of doctors she could call to get them herself, and have not exactly come clean on things regarding her brother's death. I personally do not associate with her parents.

She's not really up for any kind of therapy right now. Currently the big issue she has is a phantom pregnancy. Every test, including a blood test, has confirmed she is not pregnant, but she has used her logic to say otherwise because of false information she has read online, being fed conspiracy theories for years by her father, and the fact that she has indeed exhibited some signs of it despite not being pregnant.

The phantom pregnancy has put a strain on her and, to some extent, our relationship (we celebrate our 7 month anniversary next week).

I've come to know that her reactions to things, such as thinking the medical system wants everyone dead and that she's pregnant despite what they say (she thinks doctors lie all the time) are real, genuine reactions to emotions and the fact that her brain is wired a little differently.

As frustrating as she can be, she's five times more fascinating. Her IQ is 140. She can come up with creative solutions to problems that I would have never thought of in a million years--and I was in the gifted program myself with a 160 IQ! She might be clumsy with gross motor skills and lack social graces in some settings, causing my prim and proper parents to hate her, but her fine motor skills are so good that she cuts her own hair (into fashionable layered cuts!) and has the drawing skills of a Disney animator. Sometimes, I'll turn around and the next thing you know, she's done something like create a website for a creative outlet of hers.

On top of that, despite the fact she can get defensive sometimes, she is a GOOD, GOOD, GOOD PERSON. I have never met anyone else with the kind of understanding she has for people. It's deeper than you would think--sort of that "hyper empathy" that you sometimes hear about.

Anyhow, that's a little introduction here. I'm beyond blessed she's my wife, but since traditional therapy and especially anyone who calls themselves "doctor" are out of the question, at least for now, it looks like it's me who has to be her support here!! I'm hoping this community can help me be the best I can be for her.

Welcome SttelersFan!

Congratulations on being together seven years!

A support person can really help someone with autism reduce their anxiety issues.
Often, the world expects too much of someone with autism, as someone that smart should be able to do....
The reality is that she can do some things but not others.
Stuff like making appointments can be really hard for someone with autism as their are a lot of moving pieces and she may be missing one or two.

Sometimes you can spot issues because others have the same issues.

Thank you!! It's only been 7 months, not years, but I'm confident we'll get to 7 years and many more after that!

I know firsthand what you mean. As someone in the gifted program, the pressure in school was tremendous. I remember being told "you're smart, why can't you figure this out?" when I failed at ballroom dancing. I became a musician instead. It's all about where your talents go best.

And yes, it was actually a phone call that first made me suspect she was on the spectrum. She was trying to get an apartment (before moving in with me) and had to script everything she was going to say, then struggled to talk. Knowing about the condition, I not only suspected it, I knew I had to be that support for her, especially as she opened up about her past and revealed that she really never got the kind of support she needed.

It's also why she no longer works as a cosmetologist. As mentioned in my initial post, she's immensely talented as a hairdresser. However, she struggles mightily with small talk and it dogged her at work. Now she only cuts my hair and her own hair, though she's said she's open to helping my buddies out with hair.

Welcome to WrongPlanet SteelersFan and for sharing you and your wife's story! I am still somewhat new myself but I think you will find it's a wonderful community here with alot of wonderful members to get feedback from

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Living with a person on the spectrum is never easy, I know I'm not.

In the last decade I've weeded people out of my life who caused me pain and problems or as many as I can. Which is why I don't speak to anyone on my father's side of the family anymore. Her parents sound like monsters, a Narcissist and a conspiracy nut, yikes!. It seems to me that would make a life of 2nd guessing yourself and never knowing what is true or not. You cannot negotiate with people like that, and it sounds like cutting them off was the way to go.


Pre-cautionary things, I deal with this myself. Even if it seems irrational.

Welcome aboard!

Welcome to WP! I hope you find it useful.

And, from what you say, both of you are eligible for Mensa. You might find it interesting.

Regarding strongly believing things that aren't true, not my area of expertise. I've heard of folk who acted receptive to the crazy beliefs and did not challenge them...but asked questions...which eventually started finding contradictory parts of the story.

Thank you for the warm welcome.

I’m glad to see there are plenty of people out there who are willing to help me understand my uniquely beautiful wife and help be her support!!

Hello.

OP, what is your status? Are you yourself Autistic or a spectrumite? Have you sought a diagnosis?

I don't think your wife has persecutory delusions...at least not entirely. I read every word of your post, and it sounds like your wife's parents WERE trying to persecute her (if what you're saying is true)...which can branch out into unfounded delusions of non-related persecutions, but there seems to be a basis for it at least, a kernel of truth.

When the therapist lied about human anatomy, you should have called the therapist out. "I'm an outside party. I can attest what you are saying is incorrect."

As far as the phantom pregnancy, you should say, "I agree. Doctors are liars. To hell with doctors. Forget them. NOW, lets us together determine if you really are/aren't pregnant." I think that would help. You make it clear you agree doctors aren't 1000% percent infallible, but maybe she herself is misguided. To hell with doctors, make that clear...but are you really pregnant, honey?

I think there is some delusion on her part. If she's trying to cut her own hair, then it's probably a mess. We can be honest here without losing any love/respect for a spouse. Very, very few people (even barbers/hairstylists) can cut THEIR OWN hair. Let's cut the crap.

Welcome to Wrong Planet.

It appears that both you and your wife may have Asperger's Syndrome or Aspie for short. In marriage two people become one. You have combined in marriage and can bring your skills and her skills together to overcome your weaknesses and her weaknesses. You can meld into one being. It sounds like you are traveling down that path and it can be a very good path.

It is strange that she thinks she is pregnant. Does she want to be pregnant? Since you are married, you can help her out. She may make a fine mother. A woman changes when she has a child. It can unlock a new world to her. Does she want to try and become a mother? It can unlock a new world to her and you can be a part of this new world. You can go from Husband and Wife to the world of a Family.

It think it's wonderful that you married her despite possible challenges!

As an undiagnosed person whose parents seemed to think was perfectly normal (although I think they may have harbored some doubts they didn't share with me) I can sympathize with your experience that your parents apparently hate your daughter-in-law (I believe you used such strong language). The most serious relationship I was in before meeting my wife was with somebody who was most definitely neurodiverse and probably autistic (but would most likely never have been diagnosed back in the day when she was young). My parents knew she wanted to marry me, and made it clear to me they opposed such a marriage. One reason was simply that she "had something wrong with her" i.e. basically didn't talk like a normal person especially on occasions when she had called their house and I wasn't there, but in addition, they seemed to think her incapable of a monogamous relationship. The fact was that she was hypersexualized, probably due to having lost her virginity to a rapist, not in the sense that she needed to have sex multiple times per day but that she seemed to take a great deal of pride in her sexual attractiveness to men, which for some reason didn't bother me as I was (in retrospect) the first guy she'd ever been truly serious about, but my poor parents were horrified.

I once started a thread to the effect that autistic women weren't necessarily the best match for autistic men, in reaction to some lonely guys on this site saying they wish they could find an autistic woman for a relationship. I think the young woman I spoke of in my preceding paragraph would have been better off with a neurotypical guy like you, in fact you seem like you would have been her perfect match (she did in fact get married but I know nothing about her ex-husband). You're also lucky you met your wife when you and she were already in your 30s. In the situation I described above, I and my girlfriend were in our early to mid 20s and could have benefited from more life experience.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Let me explain the pregnancy delusion thing a little more...I almost feel like this should take on its own topic, but I'll keep it here for now I guess.

She has always wanted to be a mom. However, her own mother kept telling her that "she'll never get pregnant" every time someone showed up in her life with a baby. Her mom would continually put her down, saying nobody would want her, etc.

Given her age, she feels a sense of urgency to get pregnant ASAP since 35 is knocking on the door.

Some time ago, she read some misinformation online. She's prone to believe a lot of this (and having a conspiracy theorist father doesn't help either). Apparently she has the definition of "cryptic pregnancy" all wrong. She thinks that's when a baby can't be detected by normal means.

In reality she's dealing with a "phantom pregnancy" but won't admit to it for four reasons: she doesn't trust doctors/medical people, she has bad information from some now-gone sites that I've tried to find traces of, she has a yearning desire to be pregnant, and she has some things that indicate a pregnancy.

She had a very light period six weeks after she ovulated (and could have potentially had a fertilized egg). Now she's been prone to those before, but this one had her convinced since she also was gaining weight and feeling some other signs/symptoms. A lot of this weight gain was from bad dietary choices though (namely being on a chocolate smoothie kick). Now she claims she can feel babies kicking inside of her (she thinks there is more than one) yet it usually happens on one side, the side her stomach is on, and she's prone to indigestion and likely is lactose intolerant so...

If someone tries to tell her she's not pregnant, she gets mad and accuses them of saying she is faking a pregnancy.

I wouldn't say she's "faking" it at all. She truly believes she is pregnant, but I don't believe she's ever been truly pregnant so honestly how is she to know what it feels like? She has mentioned hiring a doula or midwife not affiliated with a hospital, and I think they'll debunk this for us if all else fails.

There have been times when she thinks she has either lost the pregnancy to a "miscarriage" or, a few weeks ago, she suggested a "phantom pregnancy"...but then recanted it. Ugh...she was so close to beating it.

She thinks her uterus is somehow behind her organs with this and that's why it's not detectable.


The other thing she is working through from bad online information is a belief in "targeted individuals". I attribute 100% of this to her conspiracy theorist father!! She's no more targeted than anyone else who isn't a terrorist. Yes, we're all tracked by tracker cookies online and the like, but she has to realize there's nobody out specifically going after her. I also think some of this has to do with the fact that her family hates her so much and targets her within the family...and I think the right remedy for this will simply be to surround her with people who like her and make her feel like she is welcomed, not singled out!

My family and I don't really get along and her family doesn't like her, but I have a good network of friends. I'm trying to get them together more often with us.

If you offer your belief as a possibility, rather than as a certainty, and if she remains "pregnant" longer than 9 or 10 months what is she likely to think?

That is, can you just wait out the any misconception?

dumb question here but did she try the OTC pregnancy tests more than one time?

OP, can your sig. other make her own smoothies? she could add some helpful supplements [such as taurine, theanine, b-vitamins/minerals] to them? can she substitute xylitol for the normal sugar, it would be far better for her and esp. her teeth.