warning: a wallow in the myre AHEAD! from Newbie

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Dear fellow Aspies,

I am a newbie to this group, basically a new "case" of AS. I was only recently told (psychologist/drug use counselor 6 mo.) that I exhibit characteristic behaviors of Aspergers....

However, I need a little bit of help....almost desperately...maybe....perhaps.....um....

.....yeah.

Since the week after Xmas 2006 until today 8/27/07, I spend all day every day and all night every night, rain or shine, heat or cold, money or no money, buried under the sheets and blankets and 3 pillows over my head w/a small hole to breathe thru.

I can count on one hand the occasions or reasons for actually leaving the bed (for only moments) during any day to take care of the important things (i.e. eating, bathing). I am not ashamed to admit that I often sob into the pillows, esp. in the evenings; it helps me fall asleep faster that way sometimes. The anti-depressants cause insomnia. I have enough to eat, but am not in "abject" poverty per se. Actually don't want to eat much....weigh 132 lbs.

BTW, does Prozac alleviate AS?

So, roughly, 8 months in bed, under pillows, with the sound on TV Land turned low or off completely.

When I heard for the first time about AS, I immediately began reading the recent literature on it, (there is a lot!) and several puzzle pieces of the 33 years called a "life" have finally found a place on the rapidly-clarified-and-focused board.

I can't say that I want to commit suicide; not an option,

But I definitely wish that I were no longer here in this body on this planet in this particular corner of the universe........ I am only writing here because this looks like an embracing sort of forum where a common language is spoken and mutual, with differing "dialects";

......could I be wrong about that?

Can someone here advise me on how to desire or even just tolerate life/activity again?

I ruined much of my dignity and integrity with a 10-year heroin/coke needle addiction (that's called "snowballing", kids....), for which treatment will reach the 1-year aniversary in 2 weeks, and for which I will have to live with nasty silver-dollar-sized scars and crevices covering my arms and torso for the remaider of days (icky!)......

Never had a date or a girlfriend or a hug or a kiss or a held hand (oh, btw, no, NOT GAY! ha!, just starved for any intimacy whatsoever.

(Oh yeah....here comes the "loser" part again, eh?)....

.........seeing a man & woman sharing a coffee @ Starbux, or holding hands, or just chatting, or embracing in public somewhere, I basically burst into tears and have to run to find sanctuary somewhere for the onrushing flood......

Anyway, sorry to sound "pathetic" or whatever, I'm certain that some of you will be like "EEEEWWWWW", this guy's a Loser (go ahead and say it, it's Waiting to come out of you!), but I seem to notice myself liking it in bed with just myself there for co.

(i mean, really, 8 months solid & it becomes a lifestyle! right?

OK, you've heard enough i'm sure......

Thanks for skimming over this tome........HELP!

P.S>> However, I do change the sheets regularly and I do shower and shave every Other Day! So there!

Welcome to WP!

Tim

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Welcome to WrongPlanet

First you've got a good doc/counselor, to even knowing about AS. I'll trade ya. Congrats on being clean, me too, feels good doesn't it, well sometimes, lol.

We (aspies) come in all flavors. The med that works for me, partly, may not for you. I would suspect you could find some here, that would be on the "yes it did" and the "no it didn't" with the prozac.

You have just found your way home and welcome home

P.S>> I don't and what's sheets for? A bed? Ain't been there in years. Need that white noise from the TV, yes I do.

I understand it takes a long time after getting clean for the brain to rebalance its chemicals and in the meantime one gets to feel really cruddy for that long time.
There is no drug you can take to fix AS, and most of us don't want to be, uh, fixed that is. There are drugs for depression but how that works after snowballing as well as the neurological differences that come from being an individual, I don't know. I do wish you well.

Thanks for the support, bud.
I actually DO feel "at home" here now, after settling in.

Actually, the Wellbutrin seems to be working better than the Prozac. & yes, the clinic psych is pretty good, and understands my "unique" position among all the other addicts, many of whom seem to have pretty short fuses and guttermouths, ha ha.

First, you should stop referring to yourself as a loser. You overcame drug addiction, which is a plus. You went and got help (something I was way too proud to do for years, much to my detriment) which is a plus. You also manage to make the bed from time to time...you see where I'm going, no? One step at a time; you're making progress.

Two years ago, I foolishly and suddenly quit my job (brought on by a unrealized AS freak-out). I too developed a TV and lounge lifestyle. It was nice. I got back in the game a year later to have the most humiliating job experience of my life, where I was actively abused and degraded for being a loser. I quit with nothing to show but a few paychecks and the worse case of PTSD of my life. Serious setback.

What to do? Take a deep breath and carry on. I managed to get my resume together one week. I looked for work the next week. Had an interview after that...one step at a time. Result? I have a better job now. I am better able to handle stress because I have this board and know myself better. It took years of trying, but I did it.

I'm not the same person. In some ways, life is more difficult. I wonder if I'll ever forget the past and get back my happy-in-my-own-little world self. I often wake up with a panic attack in the middle of the night, and spend days fighting off depression. However, as you said, suicide is not an option. If you do something -- anything, whether making the bed or posting on WP -- your progress will continue and you will break this cycle, just as you broke your previous drug cycle.

Welcome and good luck!

First of all, congratulations on almost one year!! You have beat incredible odds. I dated a recovering addict for 3 years and we are still good friends. He had been using for 13 years, now he is clean almost that long. I learned so much from him!! And he was a TERRIBLE person when he was using, and basically became an angel when clean. So big turnarounds are possible! You can do it!

Congrats also for uncovering your AS, if you do in fact have it. It was huge turning point for me- if you don't know what the problem is, you can't deal with it properly.



Dude, I'm really functional and this happens to me sometimes. I have a dog in the city and I avoid taking him to certain parks on Sundays because I know I can't handle it.

I also often want to do what you are doing and somehow force myself to keep going.

I'm no professional, but I would say: baby steps. Try to stay out a little longer on your food and hygiene breaks each time. This is such a habit for you at this point you can't expect an overnight turnaround. What you are doing is actually recommended by a buddhist teacher I like (read *The Depression Book* by Cheri Huber), but for much, much shorter periods of time. Sometimes it's good to cocoon and baby yourself, but it sounds like just by the fact you are posting about it you are getting ready to end this stage for yourself.

Also what comes to mind is exercise. It produces chemicals that make you happy, and you aren't getting them, and it's a downward spiral, phsycologically and physiologically. Could you work in some basic pushups or whatever you can do in the house little by little? I think that might help!

Good luck!! The work of life of everyone is to find what makes them happy and fulfilled, and you are no exception.

Dear Aspies,

Thank you SO MUCH for the support and interest....this forum is definitely an embracing environment.

For awhile some time ago, I was a semi-regular on the "Incel" board, you know, "involuntary celibacy"?

Sounds kinda funny huh, to have a bulletin board for THAT kind of thing.

But I think I jumped in the water there too quickly, because I didn't feel as welcome there, but I don't blame them for that. My attitudes have changed considerably since then, and I would NOT post on here the sort of outrageousness I was posting over there! They really gave me the treatment! ha ha

And you're right, baby steps baby steps, I always laugh when I hear that, you know, Bill Murray in "What About Bob?" In a way, we Aspies can learn a LOT from that particular cinematic masterpiece!! ha ha

And I have heard of that Buddhist-oriented guide to overcomgin depression. Sounds good to me.

When I 1st got clean, I was doing pushups every morning, but got really lazy.

Also, that sucks that you were actually called a "loser". I actually don't refer to myself as a loser, but I was only anticipating someone else to do it for me, you know, for validation and whatnot. Glad you didn't!

Anyway,
Thanks again for your comments, and I hope to speak to all of you someday soon.


Sincerely,
Matt (AKA Crimsonking)