Sorry, I already bucked the norms and posted somewhere else first. Still working on some impulse issues since the meds seemed to have reanimated the "fun and excitement" of my childhood ADD. I'm 50 and recently realized my Autism after multiple meltdowns and hospital visits and a multi-night stay for observation. I've been masking as long as I can remember, though I never really understood that until my brain started applying new knowledge to existing memories. It's been a bit... messy in there, but things are smoothing out somewhat now (the experience, not the brain). I've been struggling trying to connect to any kind of community since a.) I lack a formal diagnosis even though I've read, and related to, about 13 books on the subject so far since November, and b.) I am apparently "too smart" and "too well spoken" to be Autistic, which seems like telling someone they aren't an alcoholic or aren't drunk because you've never heard them slur their speech. What a journey this is turning out to be.
I tried the Reddit subs for Autism and AuDHD and was quite taken aback by how often people get downvoted there for speaking about their lived experiences or quoting published works from medical professionals on the spectrum. It seems counter productive to vote down members of an already marginalized community so, not being sure of what is going on there, or what the motivations are, I thought I'd step out of my old comfort zone and dip my toes in here. I'm going to apologize in advance for how I word my posts sometimes. I've been told I can be challenging to read and I have a bad habit of embedding a fair amount of subtext. I don't get offended if someone legitimately asks for clarification though. Sometimes the words have to hit the page before I lose them and I don't always catch issues on the edit pass.
I'm here to learn more about myself and what I can expect while learning to unmask. I still mask reflexively and often struggle to figure out which "voice" I'm using, if that makes sense. Pretty much everything I've done so far up to this point in the process has been on my own. Many of the doctors I've dealt with have been very compassionate, others not so much. Not that I think there is malice, I just get the sense that they can't be bothered when a couple rescue meds seems to fix me up enough to send me out the door. This actually happened on my first ER visit in November, by the way. I was walked to the front door and told I could call an Uber. I ended up two blocks away pacing the street, trying work my phone, until someone finally came to pick me up. So, my trust issues with doctors got upgraded along with my cynicism, but I'm trying to shake off the bad experiences and focus on the way forward.
Ok, well... I'm not sure what constitutes an overshare here but this got big pretty quick so I'll pin it here and see what fruit it bears. I hope to be able to share my experiences in a positive way to help others facing similar issues and hope to learn a lot from all of you. Thanks if you got this far and please, ask me anything. If I can't or won't answer a question, I'll do my best to explain why.
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"Night is coming, when no one can work." ~John 9:4
05 Feb 2025, 1:59 am
