I'm a mom of a son who I suspect is and "aspie"

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Hi,

I'm a mom of an 18 year old son. M although he is a wonderful person, loving, smart, talented in music, has just always been different from his peers. He is in his senior year of high school and the last two years especially have been a struggle for him. Elementary school was hell and I was worried about middle and high school, but we had four school years that were good for him (I think, teen boys don't 'share' a lot with moms). Last year he had a couple of huge disappointments and a death in the family and he's never recovered.

He was seeing a counselor in 5th and 6th grade, which really helped, but no diagnosis was ever made by the counselor. He needed occupational therapy in 2nd grade and the OT blurted out one day"I think he has Aspergers". She said she was in error later, but the thought has always been in my mind. He has several of the classic Asperger's traits: extreme sensitivity to textures, smells, tastes, he "stims' with an eye twitch and hand motions, and so on.

As his peers start dating and getting ready for college, he sits home by himself and plays WOW (World of Warcraft) and other computer games.

His dad and I are at a loss as to how to proceed. I've never broached the subject with him, but feel that we need to start therapy again for depression (and of course he is adamantly opposed to going, thinking he can tough this out).

I've always felt like an outsider (his dad says the same thing) but this poor kid is just so slightly different from everyone else, I didn't know if he was aware of it......he's very aware of it.

Any thoughts, suggestions??

Thanks everyone for letting me get this off my chest.

elenalb

Hey welcome to wrongplanet, I have HFA, but I can give you some sites on to find out more about aspergers...
http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/tc/A ... e-Symptoms
http://www.aspergers.com/aspclin.htm
http://www.aspergers.com/faq.htm
http://www.udel.edu/bkirby/asperger/
http://www.pediatricneurology.com/autism.htm#Asperger’s%20Syndrome
http://www.aspergers.com/

This site below is a free test you can take about Aspergers, I never took it, just found it, but you can try it out...
http://www.doreusa.com/?c1=MSN:US&sourc ... =aspergers

I hope all of that helps you and your son.

Hello and welcome! I am currently going through the same issues with my two Aspie teen sons. One is 16 and he sounds just like yours. He plays WoW and does have friends but rarely goes out to do things with them. He doesn't talk on the phone and suffers from episodes of depression that worry me something terrible.

I will think a little more about your post and write some more to you about it tomorrow when I am not so tired. My heart is with you.

Lauri

Hey welcome to wrongplanet, I have HFA, but I can give you some sites on to find out more about aspergers...
http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/tc/A ... e-Symptoms
http://www.aspergers.com/aspclin.htm
http://www.aspergers.com/faq.htm
http://www.udel.edu/bkirby/asperger/
http://www.pediatricneurology.com/autism.htm#Asperger’s%20Syndrome
http://www.aspergers.com/

This site below is a free test you can take about Aspergers, I never took it, just found it, but you can try it out...
http://www.doreusa.com/?c1=MSN:US&sourc ... =aspergers

I hope all of that helps you and your son.

whoops sorry wrongplanet double posted me, sorry about that.

Thanks everyone, just knowing that others have gone before and come through it is a great help. I want to help my son be all that he can be, not for my ego, but for his benefit. Adolescence is hard enough, but it sounds like many aspies are successful, fulfilled people. That's all I can ask!

I appreciate everyone's support. Take care.

elenalb

Dear elenalb-

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

The first thing I note in your post is that you seem to love your son, and like him as a person too. That's wonderful.

One of the things I notice about myself and many other Aspies, is that we are very aware that we are either different or very different from most everyone or everyone we meet. This can be an incredibly challenging feeling to experience, and then to sense that feeling pervasively throughout our lives, as if there is nowhere, no person with whom we can relate while being our true selves.

At times, some of us get very depressed by feeling so different and unaccepted. At times, some of us get angry. At times, some of us reject the world just as much as we feel rejected by it, isolating ourselves or pushing the world away from us.

That's most unfortunate, because there are a lot of wonderful people in the world, like your son. And some of those people are "normal" and some of them have Asperger's Syndrome. And we each deserve to be our wonderful selves and still find the wonder in others. It's unfortunate that some unimportant and some fundamental differences seem to serve as barriers to that.

But it is true that some of our differences can make it difficult for us to relate to one another. And I think that some of the most fundamental differences can never be completely altered so that we could better relate to and fit in with others who are very different us. Instead, I believe we have to accept one another and relate to one another despite these differences.

I suppose that drugs or behavioral modification might seem to change these fundamental characteristics, but my sense is that they only hide or bury them. I'm certain that if you really wanted to, you could learn to hide yourself, bury yourself, so that you would not seem so different and could give the impression that you have Asperger's Syndrome like I have. But at what cost would this be to you and who you really are? And why should I or any Aspie demand it of you?

But, sometimes, some Aspies so desperately wish we could fit in that we will alter who we appear to be, hide our peculiarities behind a mask of being "normal." This means that the thing that makes us wonderful people, our very spirit, is hidden, buried, wounded, and perhaps even lost over time.

At other times, we so desperately wish we could be accepted and welcomed for who we are by "normal" people. I cannot tell you how overwhelmingly wonderful it is when a "normal" person clearly knows that I am very different, is sensitive to those differences, and yet still accepts me and treats me as if I am a real human being, worthwhile, differences and all. Then, I feel more able to cope in "the real world." I feel like I'm not alone, but have someone pulling for me and with me, not pushing at or against me, to help me survive amongst "normal" people. That is such an empowering feeling. That is a wonderful gift to receive.

To me, that's love. A most wonderful gift indeed.

So, if you can keep giving that gift to your son, as you have been giving, never giving up, even if he cannot accept it at the moment or even for years to come, even it might be difficult, frustrating, depressing, or even infuriating at times, you will be giving a most wonderful gift indeed.

Explore the forums here, and I hope you find the information and inspiration you are seeking.

I wish you and your family the very best.

Welcome to WrongPlanet

elenalb,

Welcome to WrongPlanet.

As you describe your son, he sounds very similar to most people who post on this site. I have read the stories of many on this site who, in later years, found out that they had Asperger's, and were RELIEVED to have the knowledge. Finally, when they hear about their diagnosis, all of the pieces fit, and much of their life makes sense.

Your son may resist finding out about this, but when he does, he may feel relief, and he may be interested in meeting others with a similar diagnosis. That may help him to not feel so alone.

Also, will he be going to college? My son had a sort of "a-ha!" moment when he began college -- suddenly, there were people who appreciated his differences and quirky sense of humor, and most of those people were SMART, so it was the first time he was surrounded by others who were just as bright as he was. A very comfortable feeling, for a change. If your son is somewhat innocent and inexperienced, and still interested in going to college, you may want to steer him toward some sort of religious university where excessive drinking and sex is not the norm -- those aspects of college life would be frightening to a young man who has spent much of his life at home rather than being out socializing with the hyper-social high school crowd.

Kris

elenalb,

I would urge you to pursue therapy for your son, to address the depression as the primary and immediate intent.

Our son began seeing a psychologist when he was about 10. Situations changed and he began seeing a new psychologist about a year later. Neither one gave us a dx of any kind or ever made any changes in my son's life and outlook. One day, my son's medical doctor cautiously recommended a particular psychological group. The group was very expensive and I had my doubts about changing psychologists. However, we did change, and the psychologist my son sees there has changed my son's world in profound ways. My son is now a very happy Asperger's person.

My point being, all psychologists are not the same. Ask around for references. It could be well worth it.

Good luck!

David

Welcome to WP!

Tim

Bless you all for your kind words. It gives me hope that he can do well in this world being himself. We have more adult friends (he is an only child) that appreciate M and constantly tell us what a great person he is. So, I guess as he gets older, more people will "get" him.

He will be starting our local junior college next year. This school has people of all ages and education levels and I think it will be a great place for him to spread his wings and be himself.

So maybe after we get the depression checked out, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I'll keep everyone posted as we proceed.

Hopefully, our journey can help someone with younger Aspie kids (forgive me I did not capitalize "Aspie" in my earlier posts).

Everyone has been so welcoming, I'm SO grateful to you all for your words of wisdom......onward and upward. Thank God for the internet and the two young men that started this website.

Blessings to you all!

Elenalb

Hello, and welcome!

Hi and welcome! I think I can relate to where you son is coming from, but I wasn't diagnosed till I was 35 with Aspergers. I was an only child too and that made it doubly hard to learn the proper socialization skills. I had few friends in school and in college I would not have had a friend had it not been for studying taekwondo and making friends there that I could hang out with a bit. But after I had to drop out of that school and then graduated from college had no friends.

All I can say is allow and encourage his friendships with older adults, as long as you think they are morally sound and not dangerous to him that is. If it wasn't for a few older neighbors and older people I met along the way I wouldn't have learned how to make friends and learn to talk with others. Don't pressure him on dating because if its meant for him it will happen on his own time.

The depression comes from being different and knowing you are different, being made fun of all your life and being lonely. Psychs and meds won't change that. What will change it is helping him learn interaction, yes teaching it to him what is the proper and normal things to say or do in specific situations. Make a game of it. And help him make friends by maybe as a family joining a hobby group or something. Find a support group in your town and see if they are any members his age too. Once he finds he can have friends and join in normal activities he will be less likely to be depressed. Helping him get a job will help loads too in how he feels about himself. I don't mean pressure him to get a job. I mean if you have friends or family with a business help set up his first job for him. That was the hardest thing for me getting that first job.

Elenalb,
Our 20 year old son was diagnosed with Asperger's when he was a junior in high school. He has completed his first year in college, and we are so glad he was able to handle it. I strongly encourage you to pursue testing with a clinical psychologist, because once you have that report and diagnosis, your son will be eligible for helpful services in college. For example, the disabilities office can assign a note-taker for your son when the professor talks too fast or has a thick accent. He can also receive extra time on tests if that's appropriate. You can't get access to the services without the official diagnosis. It's quite expensive, but think of it as part of college tuition!

Somewhere on this website I previously found a good post by the moderator (I think) about testing. Look around for it. There is also a book called, "Succeeding in College with Asperger Syndrome." Our son is at a small religious college, and it has been a great thing for him. All the jocks went to larger schools with good sports programs, and all the party animals went to the party schools, so two whole populations he never could relate to have been removed from the student pool. Within the first semester, he found a group of kids who liked to play Dungeons and Dragons - an instant group of friends, something he has never had before. The RA's in the dorms are caring and notice how things are going with the kids. It has been a great sheltered place for a transition to living away from home. I hope you can find a place like that for your son.

Best Wishes,

Katie