Hi Everyone,
I'm new and the reason that I'm posting here is I'm wondering if perhaps I may have asperger's, or at least some of the traits, and perhaps it's just been missed over the years. From what my mother tells me, I didn't start speaking until I was 2, and when I did start speaking I had a lot of trouble and had to see a speech therapist until the early Elementary school years. I stuttered terribly and had the most difficult time expressing myself (in that mostly...I didn't...and in a lot of ways, still don't). Some of my earliest memories are from being about 1-2 years old and feeling incredibly frustrated that I couldn't communicate out. For example, when I was about 1 1/2, my mother was taking me to get my picture taken and I remember she put me in this itchy pantsuit and I couldn't stop crying. I remember feeling so itchy and so frustrated. There are many other memories like that from ages 1-2 or so, many memories of being in a state of frustration or terror. Reoccuring dreams where I couldn't scream, etc. At first I didn't realize that most people don't remember things from that young of an age, and I don't tell many people about my pre-verbal memories anymore, because when I have in the past I found that most people didn't believe it.
My mother had me start Kindergarten when I was 4, and she did not send me to preschool before hand. I do recall feeling very alien, like the other kids were part of this group and I was the outsider. They would do things like grab those little square pieces of carpet out of my hands and I would say nothing. I'm not sure how much I played with others, I think I stayed mostly to myself. Also, I broke my arm in Kindergarten during gym and didn't cry or communicate it, I just walked around all day with a broken arm. We were doing the letter 'z' and I remember by z's looked all shaky and I knew something was wrong. When my mother came home from work she asked me what was wrong, and I told her. She took me for x-rays, and sure enough, my arm was broken. I vividly recall the x-ray pictue in my mind.
That was just one example, but I do recall very specific things from my childhood, wondering why other kids spoke in unison when the teacher asked a group question, etc. Feeling very alienated, like everyone else was part of this system that I just didn't 'get'.
What complicates matters is that I'm a first generation American; my parents both came to America as adults. (Originally I started reading about asperger's because I thought it sounded a lot like my father, but then I realized it sounds like me too). Thye very much resisted assimilating into American culture, didn't get my sister or me involved in things. My parents also abused and neglected me and didn't pay very much attention to my developmental and speech problems, so I think a lot of it just went underground. Lots of fear there growing up. By the middle of Elementary School the stuttering improved & hasn't been a problem since (I'm 35). I did have problems with language in my early years, struggled with certain types of tests in school, and again used to blame it on the first generation American stuff, but now I'm not so sure.
I still have an awful time expressing myself, among others things. I find being with people to be very stressful, and it takes me a long time to recover after being with others. I find self-disclosure sometimes makes me feel worse, not better. I do have some obsessive compulsive stuff, which at first I thought might be ocpd, but after reading about asperger's, now I'm not so sure. I prefer sameness & routine, and get into a state of all kinds of internal conflict if that gets interrupted. I can eat the same foods over & over, and I'd probably wear the same things over & over, but I don't because I know that's not what people do. I do get obsessed over certain topics and have a hard time getting past it. Empathy is not something that I really got until I reached my late 20s, and even now I have to think through it. Math & science were my best subjects in school, and actually was in mostly advanced classes. My IQ is above average. My long term memory is freakishly good. I recall dates & birthdays of people from 20 years ago who I wasn't even good friends with. I find socializing to be extremely painful. I hate being the center of attention. Other things that people do, like have walking buddies or weddings, are more like a nightmare to me. My husband and I eloped, I think I would have died if I had to get up in front of people for a wedding. My anxiety can be very bad, though taking yoga and martial arts for the past couple of years is helping with that. Oh, and also the sensory stuff..certain smells really bother me, as do certain sounds and bright lights. Things that don't bother other people. As a side note, I'm also extremely sensitive to medication, do much better with naturopathic remedies & foods, yoga, etc.
I don't know, after reading about asperger's a lot seems to be falling into place and is making sense to me. What do you guys think? Perhaps it could be a mild case of asperger's which I adapted to? I do work part time for a mental health agency (with clients who have various mental illnesses) and I am pretty familiar with many diagnoses (including the personality disorders) and this is the first time I've read about something that really seems to 'click'. Yout thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
Last edited by sophie22 on 01 Oct 2007, 1:28 pm, edited 3 times in total.
01 Oct 2007, 12:30 pm
