As of late I have been searching for an explanation to that which makes me different from others; not because I'd want to be "normal" but because of an identity issue in the sense that even the fact that I exist with certain traits and that I'm alone does not seem to be part of any know paradigm - unless of course someone wants to call me "a loser"; in which case I could easily retort everything that's flawed with the term.
While I do seem to have or have had some degree of social anxiety or phobia that doesn't seem to explain a lot of things - one of them being that I seem cut off from a lot of mainstream ideas and prejudices in my society down to the use of language itself to the point of having someone say "How are you?" becoming something that has to be dealt with. It also doesn't explain the fact that whether I act shy or not I still seem generally cut off from other people at a much deeper level. Groups in general seem to loathe me for no apparent reason.
My iq is something around 129-130. I don't have exact, reliable numbers but, historically, I know it's not, say, outside the 120-140 range. Also, it ocurred to somebody to write a series of personality traits defining giftedness and while I could relate to those it never made much sense to come up with a explanation for my problems there since then I'd be running into a lot of people like me or worse off for being even smarter. I did find some work saying that as children, people in my iq range have more problems socializing that both those above or below it. That seemed like a decent theory since, once that is established, an entire childhood of bullying and isolation can explain other, presumably acquired, traits.
Already acquainted with Asperger's Syndrome I ran into ADD checklists which, suprisingly, seemed to explain a lot of things about myself; namely: spacing out, hyperconcentration when with certain things, social awkwardness involving missing out social cues, poor management of time, presumably not being able to "stay still" as a child. The fact is that, as postgraduate student, I either seem to run steps ahead of an explanation or fade into day dreaming oblivion. . . I don't feel I should be having these problems. My sleeping schedule is a joke. . . not sure where that goes.
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The reason why I'm unsure to whether fully embrace an Asperger's self diagnosis is, amongst the countless sites I visited, descriptions saying things like "utter lack of creativity; an asperger might seem original only because every reasoning stems from a completely different starting point" or "aspergers have typically good rote memory but often with little insight" or "an asperger takes metaphors/sarcasm literally". I have varying issues with those terrible statements; for example, while I do feel my creativity (say, in creative writing, videogame modding and music composing) is inevitably linked to my own being/feeling outside every paradigm, I'm not sure how do they measure "true" creativity if such thing exists and how is it that people that do not apparently engage in any creative endeavour are typically more creative just for being NT. The assertion of rote memory is bull. . . at least, in my case - I've always hated rote memory tasks and have focused on seeking patterns and understanding. The third one ceased to be true as I took up a more formal interest in literature during high school. People can, however, produce me a "blank" state of mind if, say, I'm eating an ice-cream and someone says "You don't seem to like ice-cream"; I just wouldn't know what to reply.
While I don't recall the term ADD or asperger (or any other diagnosis other than "anxiety" for that matter) ever coming up with the countless psychotherapists I ever talked to; I do recall most of my (largely unanswered) questions revolving on being unable to read people. I can, or think I can, read hostility and ponder about it's possible causes; everything else get's more or less thrown in a bag called "Is this person trying to play mind games with me?".
Social isolation is one big trait I seem to share with Asperger's; I've been relentlessly bullied at school, actively ostracized (and I mean it) at uni and mobbed at work. Never really had any friends and never had a girlfriend until last year already in my mid 20s (online and living miles away). I don't really have any social life. Being relatively good looking and being shy, hoping to err on the safe size, just doesn't make a difference - there's something I just don't grasp or that I never feel able to do naturally; reading some of the articles on communication on this site baffled me as I never expected such degree of complexity in social cues.
My physical clumsiness: I seem to have a tendency to stiffness in movement and was very bad at sports as a child and a teenager - having found martial arts I've worked on that aspect. People tend to see improvements in this area and I recognize myself as fit and flexible - sometimes I feel inherently awkward all the same. To be honest, I've no idea how to measure my clumsiness.
To make this rant short; I took two tests online: one indicated I most likely had Asperger's or even high functioning autism (it was some sort of austistic spectrum position test) the other indicated I had some Asperger traits but not all so as to come to a definite conclusion (it graphed 8 aspie or nt traits and showed me to be some sort of borderline case).
I'm really unsure of these online tests; they rely on my own interpretation of each question and my own interpretation of each possible answer by standards only truly known to myself.
. . .so basically I'd need some guidance finding the main characteristics of this condition. Yesterday I read a thread about actually being able to read people; I can do that too. . . sometimes; so I'm pretty confused.
Last edited by Whisperer on 15 Oct 2007, 12:31 am, edited 1 time in total.
15 Oct 2007, 12:21 am
Congrats. And if you are still wondering, just go find a specialist. Takes two vists, and about three hours total, from what I remember. Then you can go out and finally be you. Most awesome ever, finding yourself, I promise. Good luck. 
