Help me help my neat son!

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Hi,

My 8 year old son has just been diagnosed as 'high functioning' Asperger's. He's very intelligent, but has no social skills, poor motor skills, and no understanding (or is it simply that he has no idea how to describe them?) of his emotions.

I love my son. He is funny, intense, loveable; and he seems to depend on me for so much guidance (I say 'seem' because he never articulates his need, but his eyes and body language seem to shout for it).

Those of you who have Asperger's, what can I do do help my son the most? What do you wish you're parents did (or would do now) for you? What does your parents (or influencing adult) do to help you the most?

Thank you for all your advice!

JustMom

Welcome to WP! You'll be at home in the Parenting Forum.

On the subject of your son, be helpful at all times, however don't seem invasive. I have the "Need help but don't think it" problem as well, and I'm 17! Yikes!

Hi, welcome to wrong planet.
When you first hear the diagnosis it can come as a shock, even for those who may have expected it. Relax and let yourself adjust to this information. Your son sounds like a great kid and he still is. He's young with plenty of time to adjust, learn and develop.
Take some time to research the disorder a bit, read all the info your doctor gave you on your son. If you feel like you want access to anything in his medical files you may not have been given you have the right to ask. Look at outside sources, their is a parents group called O.A.S.I.S that offers information and support for parents, they've even written a book for parents on Asperger's Syndrome which is quite good, if you get a chance try to get a copy, if one isn't at your library they may be able to borrow it from another, or you could invest in your own copy. Their website is www.aspergers.org. Know your son, his strengths and weaknesses, and how the disorder affects him. Be there to support him, to advocate for him, to teach him as best you can.
In your familial life with your son treat him as you normally would. Provide him with the love and support he needs. Work with him helping him with his struggles and accept him as he is. Mostly, treat him like a normal child with the same range of expectations and consiquences. Have a reward system in place for when he does well and a set type of consequenses for inappropriate behavior, make sure he know not just the consequences but the unacceptable actions ahead of time as well. Just know that he will have his moments where he may need special attention or consideration.
If your looking for psychological treatments, I'd recomment looking into social skills training to help with the social challenges and/or perhaps Cognative Behavioral Therapy. Tony Attwood wrote a great article on CBT for AS which was one of my main sources for my paper on useing CBT to treat young adalesents with AS. You should research all of your options before setting up a strict regiment, don't be afraid of trial and error, different treatments work with different people. I've read a lot about martial arts training helping aspies with emotional control, motor coordination, and social interaction. I've no experience with this but it seems like something worth looking into. I'm in college and joined our dance club because I fiqured the dance classes would help with my motor coordination and spatial diferation issues. I'd read dance helps build motor skills and I think it may be working. Working with Neural Plasticity is very effective, practice builds neurons which improves the aspect controlled by that area. A lot of people use Occupationall therapy for motor issues.
My parents held me to the same standards as my siblings, they aided me when I needed them (still do in fact), fought for me and loved me. I credit them with how well I've turned out thus far. They raised me the best they could sometimes ending up useing watered down B-Mod technics. They were innvolved with my treatment and would encourage me.
Hopefully, some of this helps. You sound like a good mom. You care and want to learn how to best help your son and that in itself is the best thing for him.

Welcome to WP!

Tim

My number one answer which you are free to ignore is HOMESCHOOL! I homeschooled my aspie all the way to college which he started at 15. He is now a programmer for a video game company. He would have had the same hell at public school I had. Instead, we had a lot of fun together.

Thank you for all your excellent advice!

KBABZ, I hope to not become intrusive! I see so many "helicopter moms" who will just not let their poor kids breathe a little! I hope to strike a balance of support and atonomy for my son.

Kijana, your advice on organization hit home, my son struggles to organize and often forgets books and such to do his homework. I will help him more in this area.

militarybrat, thank you for your incredibly thought ful and helpful post. Yes, I did expect it, and yes, I still reeled from the official diagnosis. I had hoped his difficulties were a type of post traumatic stress disorder due to a scary home life we had before I divorced his father. My son bore the brunt of his father's rages. He, well, all of us!, have been safe for 3 years now, thank God!
I only allowed that shock to last a day before I began digging for all the info I can find. I found O.A.I.S.I.S. and ordered their book. I will also heed your advice about expecting the same from him as I do with his brothers, but just add extra patience. You sound wonderful, I'm glad your parents were (are!) able to support you so well. I will also check out the site you recommened. Thank you so much for your help!

Hi Tim_Tex!

Jerry, I believe my son will have a case manager in middle and high school, but not in elementary. I do have the added advantage of working in my son's school system, so I can help moniter social problems he will need coaching with. I have contacted the school counselor to get a support system started for him, thanks for letting me know how important that is.

lelia, so glad your son is successful thanks to you! I am not able to home school, but I hope with enough home support (and mom being a rottweiler to make sure he gets school support!! !) he can succeed in public schools.

Glad I found this site, you guys are great!

JustMom

Hi JustMom,
I am glad to hear that your son was diagnosed so early and at a time when autism/spectrum disorders are slowly but surely recieving more awareness--though we are all struggling to get more resources in place to get help. I didn't have that kind of help when I was growing up which made things very rough for me and my parents and it was largely due to the fact that researchers simply didn't have the keys to unlock the mystery until recently. When I was diagnosed six years ago at the age of 35 it was both a relief and a whole new set of problems as an adult struggling to overcome a difficult personal history. I can honestly say that what got me through it was a wonderful set of parents who have never stopped loving and supporting me even to the present day and with whom I have a wonderful relationship.

You are a wonderful Mom to get both of you away where it's safe and to take such an active interest in him and his disorder. You will need to be a rotweiller when it comes to dealing not only with the public school system, but in terms of helping him deal with a host of other challenges as well. Some excellent advice has already been offered, so I will try to confine my remarks to other concerns that may not have been addressed yet.

First, bear in mind that disorganization and procrastination may be big issues with him as they are with me. My therapist has helped me to understand that one of my biggest and most serious problems is what clinicians refer to as executive function, (ie. that part of the brain, the frontal lobe, I think, that controls our ability to set priorities, get things done in a timely manner, seperate the necessary from the extraneous, etc.) One strategy that I've read about in both some of the AS literature and that I've discussed with my therapist is writing everything down and compiling a schedule for my daily activities, (something admittedly I'm still learning how to do). The trick is to sit down with your son and consult him when compiling the next day's schedule so that both of you know what to expect on any given day. Asperger's people need the comfort of routine and don't like surprises, (we generally don't deal with transitions well), so this will help mitigate some of that. As my therapist pointed out to me, allow a little down time and wiggle room in the schedule; you it simply isn't realistic to expect to have every minute of every day scheduled. Also allow at least one unscheduled day if necessary. One AS author that I'm aware of said that her Dad would make these schedules for her and have copies of them hanging all over the house, all the places she goes in the house, so that she can always tell at a glance what is supposed to happen and when. The goal is to learn how to manage one's affairs and not to keep your son busy every minute.

The suggestion of setting appropriate rewards/sanctions is a good one. Just remember that AS folks need things to be very clear, well defined, and unambiguous which is why we tend to do well in more structured settings. Even little transitions can be hard which is why I once heard the parent of an AS teenager say that she has learned to give her AS son a certain ammount of warning before they must leave to go somewhere, come downstairs to dinner, etc. This allows her son time to finish whatever he is doing at the moment and mentally change gears in preparation for the new activity/event.

I understand how challenging he can be. The exasperation at my house was, at times, one way and, at times, mutual. Patience combined with the aforementioned rewards/sanctions will help you both through it. One of the hardest things for me by far, (and for most AS people as I've since discovered), is puberty. Puberty is hard enough in and of itself, but is doubly so for AS people. Be prepared for rage and, perhaps, serious depression. (I was hospitalized for it at the age of 21 when I tried to bring a premature end to my existence.) I hope and pray that your son never reaches that point, but keep vigilant nonetheless. My experience has been that I not only don't understand my emotions and have an enormous ammount of trouble identfying them, but it may take me days or weeks to even become aware of them--and I'm 41 yrs. old! If asking for his reactions/feelings about something and he says, "I don't know!," he's telling the truth. Make a note to revisit the topic hours/days later. If you suspect that he's becoming depressed, you might say something like, "You seem to be really depressed/upset/angry today and I'm worried about you. I want to talk about this after dinner, before we go to Grandma's house, etc." This will let him unwind and mentally prepare.

You may already be aware of the AS trait of developing a rigid, narrow, obsessive habits, rituals, routines, and especially the all-consuming interest. He will need help in learning to share his routines with necessary executive functioning priorities such as schoolwork, chores at home, hygene skills, etc. while at the same time helping him to explore ways that he might use his special interest to develop a hobby or even a career path. As you no doubt have noticed, AS people tend to be highly intelligent and creative and definately think outside the box. As my therapist pointed out to me, Asperger's Syndrome also has its gifts, (we really can do some things that mystify NTs.)

I could go on, but these are merely a good begining point. Be sure to check out Tony Attwood's books/materials. His books are excellent and very helpful to all concerned including parent like you. Take care and I wish you and your son well. Welcome to WP.

Welcome to WrongPlanet!

Welcome JustMom,

I had all that, still do, 60. All of us just grew up.

We might seem like puppies with big feet, we will grow into them.

Trying to make us into something else, something we are blind to, is the worst thing possible.

I am blue green color blind, anybody want to cure me?

Just be a good mom, who could ask for more.

Hip66,

All of your advice is excellent, you give me a lot of insight on what struggles my son have. If you don't mind I'd liked your permission to copy your reply onto a word document and give it to his teacher (I will delete your Avatar & sig!). She asked for any advice to help; your advice covers alot of at-school issues he has, and I cannot say it better tha you did! Is is ok if I do that?

Inventor, I love your analogy! Yes, my son is a Bassett hound puppy who trips over his ears and feet, but he's loveable!

Connie

Hi Richie!

Hi JustMom,
Sure that's OK. I sent you a PM.

Welcome, JustMom, from an Aspie mum with a 14-year-old Aspie son.

Hi JustMom!

Aside from the brilliant advice given, I'd say...

Martial Arts are awesome. I did karate from age 6 and it helped massively with my co-ordination and balance. I still did it a little strangely (I'm very pigeon toed!) and my flexibility didn't improve much, but the discipline, routine, exercise, repetition and friendships there were so helpful to me. I loved it and still do - we didn't realise I had AS until I was about 13, so I'm thankful I started it before then!! It also helped give an aura of mystique which I loved... 'Ooh, stay away from that girl, she knows karate...'

Like many others, my organisation, time-keeping and procrastinating skills are legendary. As in, I'm completely disorganised, my time-keeping is diabolical, and I'm a master procrastinator. Give your son a diary and mark in daily routines, appointments, and even when he should start getting ready for things. For example, my mother would tell me half an hour before we were going somewhere to get ready, then 20mins before, then 10mins before she'd tell me we were going so I'd jump into action!! Warning is so important, I really hate not knowing what's happening and when, so if you can tell him when you're doing things with prior warning it'll help ease any of that anxiety.

I also agree, watch for any signs of 'negative' emotions. At age 8 I was bullied so badly that I would contemplate suicide, if only I had the guts to do it. Not long after I became so phobic of certain things I would sleep for half an hour a night, have night terrors, huge panic attacks, and went into counselling for a year. I finally cured it via hypnotherapy when I was 18 which worked a treat, but it made a year or so of my life into a period I can only remember as blackness. I've also suffered severe suicidal depression on the contraceptive pill before (not something he'll have to contend with, thank goodness), and even now have to keep my moods in check to make sure I don't head down that path.

On that note, I've found diet to be very, very important in that respect - I feel so much more even in my moods (which in AS can go from neutral to rage in 0.5 seconds, as you may know!) when I eat healthily. No sugar, caffeine, artificial preservatives/sweeteners/crap, just fresh organic fruit, veges, nuts, seeds, pulses, etc.

Also, explain things to him that he may need help with, without being 'belittling' or such. For example, I remember having anxiety about having to walk a different way home and panicking about it, so my mother would simply drive me that route a few days before and show me where to go. Because I'd seen it, I'd know where it was, and the anxiety would go. This was incredibly helpful in easing my mind and giving me confidence to do things myself.



...phew, so many things!! Most importantly, just be there for him. Treat him as a normal child, as there is nothing he'll want more. Be supportive but not overbearing, helpful but not condescending. I'm sure he's going to be just fine!!

Welcome to the Planet.

Sid :O)