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Hi, this is a long post I hope some people will read it. Im hoping to find other people with similar symptoms and maybe we can help each other make our lives more manageable. I've been obsessively searching the internet for years trying to find exactly what was wrong with me. Not sure if aspergers is it but its probably the closest fit, although I would say my symptoms are mild. Whatever the clinical diagnosis I definitely think im on the high functioning autistic spectrum somewhere. From reading alot of the posts I really do have a lot in common with a lot of people here and its nice to find other people from the wrong planet (im sure people have said that to me many times). People have been calling me weird since I was a teenager (Im 26 now). My social skills although getting better are bad and my visual spatial IQ is apparently 77 (thats low btw- think forrest gump after a car crash). My verbal reasoning and abstract reasoning ability on the other hand is very high (138). I also have a large auditory memory and perfect pitch. I am a jazz musician which is lucky because that world is full of other weirdos. My ambition is to be a pop music writer/producer but that will depend on my ability to futher hone my social and organisational skills.

My life since Ive been a teenager has been racked with anxiety and self image/esteem problems. During this time Ive mistakenly diagnosed myself with a whole range of disorders which I now presume are simply comorbid buddies of either aspergers or some form of high functioning autism. These days I work, I have friends but sadly no gf and 90% of the time I am happy, but have been putting significant effort into making my life as manageable as possible the last few months or so. Ive been doing this by trying to accurately assess the way my brain functions and what I can do to fix it.

OK my main problems for anyone who has little better to do than be interested.

No1) Visual cognition. THis is definitely my numero uno problemo (number one problem for non spanish speakers). I have trouble processing visual information. Its a hard phenomenon to accurately describe. Basically it seems theres some kind of lag time between me registering visual stimuli, so when looking from object to object a kind of confusion builds up as my brain slowly processes the information and perceives it. This is obviously exacerbated in situations wtih large amounts of visual stimuli (shopping centres, colleges, big gigs, houseparties). This situation is exacerbated by my poor eyesight. This is something else I find confusing. My last diagnosis told me I only needed reading glasses with a slight stigmatism, but my long sight is not great either. Anyway I am going for a laser eye surgery consultation on Monday and hopefully having better vision will take a large edge off my cognitive impairment.

No2) Picking up on social cues. OK one on one I'm ok, with two people Im ok. With many people (drunk people) in a dark room say house party, i am totally not ok. I get overwhelmed with information and I find it hard to process. I also have difficulty even seeing peoples eyes and trying to concentrate on getting more focus whilst also keeping up with humorous banter is, tough? No its not tough its simply impossible. In these kind of situations I frequently find myself the unwanted centre of attention as some clevercloggs picks up on my impairment and decides to highlight it helpfully for me. This is what initially led me to self diagnose myself with social anxiety disorder as after being the centre of merciless teasing by friends at college I started having panic attacks and anxiety trouble. To be honest its a wonder I got to that far without being bullied, i made it the whole way through secondary school! In a strange way Im proud of that.

No3) Impulsiveness, difficulty sustaining effortful attention. Bad organisation. My room is a mess. Every so often I tidy it so its never too bad, but I dont have the good habits other people do of tidying as I go along. I drive my flatmates mad and if I have a busy week with lots of other stressful things to do I get worse. Ive found various substances I now regularly use which I believe are the best way through these problems.

No4) Obsessive, repetitive thoughts/behaviours. I think Im gradually eliminating these. For a long time as a teenager I couldnt bear to look at myself in a mirror. Im not ugly (well maybe a little bit) but no worse than average but I still believe to this day that I dont look quite like I should. Ive come to the conclusion that I spend a large amount of time looking confused and uptight as daily cognition becomes a chore. I think that in a way its natural to be dissatisfied with a confused stressed appearance. As a child I looked different. One time my sister was looking at photos of me as a child and said "wow look how cute you were as a child, what happened!?" ouch that still hurts. Occasionally I catch myself looking happy and focused and I find myself attractive. Ive had a few gf's in the past although the longest relationship was 3 months so i cant be hideous. Ive also come to the conclusion that I have blamed my appearance for my lack of natural social aptitude, so in response to the perception of myself as socially awkward, i processed those mini rejections and awkward moments as being attributable to an unpleasant physical appearance. This is almost certainly a serotonin based problem and I'll explain later.

No5) Listening to people. This is getting easier, but I find it so hard to listen to someone I find boring. Even with people I dont find boring I find myself trying to analyse their point after the first sentence or two and then link it to something I want to talk about. I find it ok with quick snappy conversation or even if its very interesting longer. But if I find it boring, I wont lie to you, after about 5 minutes I feel like punching them in the face. Its almost hilarious in its absurdity. I think this can be attributed to my difficulty maintaining sustained eye contact which is also greatly exacerbated by poor vision. In fact this is a reason I find it hard staying in a relationship as there arent many people I bond with and if I dont bond with them I find it so hard to stay tuned in to them.

no6) walking past people in streets. I think this is attributed to the visual cognisation impairment. As I see someone approaching my eyesight is too poor to see where they are looking and this makes me feel weak and unassured and consequently I feel a hint of paranoia everytime I walk past someone. Even when im in a good mood this persists and is quite a problem now I think about it.

no7) lethargy. A natural consequence of depression and stress from an overworked brain trying to fit in with other brains that work in different ways. this isnt really a problem anymore as Ive found a treatment for this. In fact Ive found treatments for all these symptoms Ive listed but atm they only take the edge off.

Ok I dont want to be all doom and gloom so Im going to list positives

1) Music, I get absorbed in music. Im an adequate jazz musician and have worked fairly hard at it because its tough. I dont think Ill ever be a great jazz player because my musical interests stretch far beyond jazz. I write music and when I really apply myself I believe im capable of writing beautiful stuff. I think as a consequence of living in a visually dark world in every sense my appreciation of sound and music has advanced to a level that I really get something special out of it, basically I love it. And I

2) Friends. I appreciate having good friends so much because I know what its like to not have any. Ive got a lot of good friends at the moment who put up with my quirks and i love them to bits.

3)Sport. Im not sure if this is common with aspergers but Im good at sports. I was in the school football (soccer) team and I have good balance and I feel comfortable in my balance and relationship with gravity if that makes sense. I did 3000 keep ups when I was a boy and I think my football ability was what got me through school without being bullied.

4) Wit. I like to think im very witty, although I do have an ultra dry sense of humour and often people cant tell if Im joking or not, I love comedy and like to think im capable of quite bitingly witty insights into the world. Also my impulsiveness can sometimes be a plus as nights out are rarely boring as im always likely to do something stupid like dance like a thunderbird puppet in a club. A concept I still find amusing regardless of others lack of enthusiasm for such a spectacle.

Ok lastly I'll list treamtents Ive found effective for treating myself.

!) aerobic exercise, nothing beats oxygenated blood pumping round the body. Ive recently taken up yoga.

2) Nutrition. this is a hobby bordering on obsession for me. In fact im not unconvinced that eventually I can successfully treat most of my symptoms using a regime of nutritional and drug supplementation. The best things are fish oils (EPA and DHA) B Vitamins, and certain nootropic substances (google it). Most days I take a concoction of stuff including picamilon, piracetam, rhodiola, st johns wort, occasional;y 5-htp, vinpocetine, centrophenoxine. Im also about to try something called deprenyl which some people have been raving about. This stuff has been so successful at treating myself that at first I thought I was totally cured, This is a really an excellent area of study for anyone with attention, depression or anxiety problems. I have completely wiped out anxiety for myself and my concentration levels and effortful attention has been greatly enhanced.

3) cutting out alcohol. If you have attention problems, then alcohol is the worst thing you can do for yourself. I hate alcohol, its a nasty dirty drug and will just make any problems you have worse

4) becoming absorbed in anything. When you become absorbed in something and go into a trance like state it has greatly benficial properites for your brain. I like videogames, creating music, reading.

5) Ambition. Regardless of my cognitive flaws I have a relentless belief that I will; be able to fix them or manage them to a state well enough that I can be very successful. In fact Im determined I want to do it as much as anything to prove to the people who have written me off as scatty, strange etc that there was plenty more in the tank all along and they just couldnt see it. And I want to prove it to myself.

OK thanks for reading, hope to keep in touch with others here and work out treatments management strategies etc so that we're able to give the rare gifts that many of us have to the world.

I read every word. My assessment (not that you asked); you certainly write like an Aspie. By this I mean you have the official 'symptoms' (nicely formatted into a list too) plus the structure of your writing is rythymic - did you see that, jazz musician? You write like poetry in structure - with pattern detail.

So, you already fit, although you thus far lack the Dx. I think WrongPlanet Aspies/HFA will embrace you (minus the physical contact part). Tim_Tex is our offical greeter, he'll be along shortly. The Inventor will invariably give his blessing. He has impeccable Southern manners and is amazing.

Budwhite, hi. Please write to us, read our posts.......and welcome.

Ragtime (one of our members) is a gifted musician and he's posted links to his music - watch for him.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Welcome to WrongPlanet!

Nice to meet you, Budwhite.

Welcome Budwhite,

Sounding like a common Aspie there. Though there is nothing ordinary about us, Classy Aspie, fits.

One thing that stood out was sight, laser eye repair seem like the greatest thing that could happen, and should be a world health program.

I would think when the dark and ominous shapes become seen, for the timid rabbits they are, your perception will change, and as Aspie's, our perception is what counts.

From the Birthplace of Jazz, welcome.

You are right about drinking, Jazzmen are not cut out for drink, they have a higher path.

hello and welcome

Hi Budwhite Your intro is very interesting, I was reading it and saying to myself, 'hmm yes, that's me, oh yes, I do that too'.

Welcome aboard the good ship WP.

I think you'll feel right at home here

Welcome to WP!

Tim

Welcome!