Scared, but needing to know more...

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Hello

My name is Emma, I'm 24-years-old and from Manchester in England.

I've kind of had problems my whole life with various things, but in the last year I've realised that they may be connected with Asperger's Syndrome. I don't want to get a diagnosis (for personal reasons), but I do want to find out if I have this, then at least I can learn to cope with it.

I may as well be honest as I can be, so, no shame:

I'm poor at making eye contact.
I don't initiate conversation with others very often.
I give short answers to questions or say something inappropriate ('conversation killers').
I had speech therapy until I was five because at three my speech was so bad even my mother couldn't understand me.
I can count the friends I've had throughout my whole life on two hands, and current friends on thumbs (with room to spare).
I didn't play with other children much when I was young. Jigsaws were my thing.
The watchword of my childhood was 'shy'.
I don't read fiction because it's nonsense.
Only a few people are allowed to touch me.
I'm very limited in my diet.
At work, I answer the phone many times a day, but making phone calls is still scary.
I have several tics.
I might sound fluent in writing, but I'm not always so good in speaking.
I can handle one person at a time, but in groups I either go into myself and withdraw, or become really overly sociable. There seems to be no middle ground.
I find it hard to concentrate on some things for any amount of time...
But on the other hand, my obsessions are words, buildings, and oddly, I love submarines (though I refuse to pursue it).
Bright flashing lights, lots of moving objects, and loud music seem first to 'move' me, and then upset me.

I didn't connect any of these together until quite recently. I knew something was wrong with me, but I didn't know what.

Earlier this year though, I went to see a show with lots of dancing and singing, I felt uncomfortable for most of it. But for one song, lots of dancers were on stage, the music was very loud, and the costumes and lights were very bright. I found it very 'painful' (I can't think of a better word) and began weeping. I had never quite done that before. It occured to me that I might have something like autism.

I came here today because yesterday evening something similar happened. I was feeling very anxious when I left work, but had to go to the supermarket. I pushed my trolley round the corner of one aisle, and there was a giant display of chocolate which had been put up, and it was in bright orange. It sounds funny to say but I was really shocked by it being there, it's just so stupid. I turned away to get away from it, but unfortunately there was another large (but different) display in red just a little further up. Same feeling.

I felt like I was at odds. I became quite angry with shopping, but managed to finish it. On my way home I was mumbling to myself looking round the bus randomly. At home, I started crying and didn't eat my tea. I started 'hitting' my hand against myself and kind of holding it in the air. I'm still doing it a bit today. It's never been like this, I feel like I'm going mad.

With love, Emma.

Welcome to wrongplanet, Emma. At least you are trying to fit into society. I know a lot of times I am at the point of giving up.

Welcome to WP. You'll find that most of us share symptoms similar to yours. For instance, I hate grocery shopping for some of the reasons you mentioned. It also annoys me no end that I seem to be invisible as people rush through the store like they have only minutes to shop ! ! Once I started to dodge out of the way, and decided, no, I'm stopping right here. The young man ran around me, instead of over me, and I felt better.

Anyway, welcome, and do check out the various forums ...

Hello Epherema (that's a lovely word!).

Your experiences sound very, very familiar.

Medical "experts" have all sorts of categories for behavioural traits, most of which I don't fully understand. I'm not sure pigeon-holing people into specific groups when they obviously have an individual range of issues is necessarily the best way, but that's just a personal view.

So... you might have Asperger's. You might have some form of social anxiety. You might have another condition which the men in white coats will undoubtedly describe in an acronym of some form e.g. ADHD (that's just an example, I'm not entirely sure what it means!). Don't worry too much about any of this. The important thing is that you have just found a home. Because whatever the diagnosis might be, you're definitely in the right place.

Take the time to have a really good look around. Like any community there are all sorts of folk here. The one thing which unites them is their support for this site, and (sometimes begrudgingly ), each other.

Hello Ephemera. Welcome to WrongPlanet. Hope you like it here.

A few things in your list register with me. I hope you don't mind if I just go through one or two of them with you:

Eye contact used to be impossible for me but with time and patience it has slowly gotten better. The reason why I decided to improve it? People were being rather abrupt with me and I was told the reason why.



Fiction is nonsense to me too, you're quite right. Other people have so many interesting stories to tell about themselves that it seems so utterly pointless to read a story that has been concocted by someone else.



I must say, I can identify with this. Unless I know the person who I'm speaking to on the other side or it's something relatively simple like ordering a pizza, I'm utterly terrified of using the telephone. For that reason, I do not possess a mobile.



Socialising is improving for me. If I'm comfortable with the environment and/or I have something to offer, I can really join in and be quite talkative. If something isn't interesting me, you'll struggle to get me to speak much. It's just not in me. I can't do it. Also, if I'm in a noisy environment like a supermarket, pub or a restaurant or something I often struggle to hear what others are saying due to the background noise (people ordering at the bar, pints being pulled, tills clattering, people talking) and so I often have a sort of confused look on my face half the time.



As with many people with AS, I also suffer from sound sensitivity so I can understand where you come from. I can have some things on quite loud using headphones if I can control the volume but if I don't like the sound and I can't move away or leave this can become very painful. It's not easy, is it? So I tend to try to avoid environments where I cannot escape easily.

If it helps at all, I'm based near Preston up in Lancashire. However, early next year I will be down in Manchester attending a course for people who are blind and partially sighted. Depending on where you are and if you want to we could meet up somewhere if you feel like it.

Keep your head held high and try not to let these thoughts and feelings depress you. You aren't on your own, OK?

I always get people telling me that I don't look at them. I've tried to improve it sometimes, but I never can. People used to tell me I'm rude, and some teachers even 'insisted' that I look at them. I didn't like school, left when I was fourteen.



I don't go out anymore to pubs or bars. Unless there is just one person for me to concentrate on, it's kind of like I 'shut down'. Background noise is a killer, you only have to turn the radio on to give me problems.




Thanks, but I'm a little personal. I don't know if I could. It takes a lot, you know?

Love, Emma.

Have you tried looking at people's noses or perhaps at their gob instead of right into their eyes? This might work if you find looking at people too difficult. In my case, my increased confidence was one of the reasons my eye contact improved.



I got the rude comments a lot until I dug my head out of the sand and did something about it. Home educated from the age of 10 onwards. There is no doubt in my mind that this saved me from a lot of psychological harm. I wasn't coping in primary school, so you can imagine what would have happened if I'd started secondary school...



Yes, I can identify with this. If the TV's on in the living room and I want to speak to someone, I have to ask them to turn the volume down. Otherwise, it's like being talked over. Most people can filter this sort of noise out so it quickly becomes very irritating. On the other hand, I have been said to have better hearing than most 'normal' people. Whether this is out of necessity (for crossing roads and so on) is a matter of debate.



Oh, I understand. I used to find meeting new people very intimidating and you don't know me from Adam. Hang around here, take a look around. The more you browse this forum the more you'll get to know more about Asperger's and other people who have it. Maybe in a month you'll be ready to meet people.

Welcome to WP!

Tim

Urh, I'm necroposting in the most awful way, but seen as I'm the originator of this thread, I'll forgive me...

I was so bothered and upset about this a year ago, and I've spent the last year trying to talk myself out of it, as though I could somehow fit in. But things never get better entirely, they sometimes lessen, but that's all. I find myself still not knowing where I am with this, and now I've come to the point where I would actually like a diagnosis. Does anybody have advice of where to go? I am in England.

Welcome to WrongPlanet!

Hello again Ephemera. Good to see you back. FWIW I understand how you feel. Most people with Asperger's Syndrome can never truly successfully 'fit in'; often it causes more problems than it solves.

I'd suggest you contact the National Autistic Society and see what they have to say about being able to get a diagnosis in the Manchester area.

Nice to meet you, Emma.

I know quite a bit about what you had to say. I'm sorry things aren't going well for you, before I was diagnosed I had a hard damn time getting through it, and even now that I am I'm still having difficulty.

I hope the best for you, I really do.

Welcome Ephemera,

I have learned many useful ways of coping just from WP, for one, practice.

There are people here you can get to know, and it does open the way to dealing with more.

Hello Ephemera

welcome to WP.

I can understand you leaving school at 14 years of age. If someone were to force me to make eye contact on a regular basis, I would have left school also.
I did leave at 14,too...but for different reasons [bullying and exclusion by students and staff].
I hope you find WrongPlanet useful and a good place to be.