Hello all, I found this site recently, and since I really can't find anyplace else to sincerely discuss my condition, I thought I'd make this introductory post.
I was diagnosed with autism early in my childhood, largely because I was a late talker, and predicted never to attend public school and be institutionalized at puberty (predictions that pretty much proved false). But I do accept that I am autistic since I do have very odd behaviors, such as very methodical daily routines, constantly picking at my scabs/acne and such, and sometimes sitting at my computer for long periods doing nothing.
I didn't realize I was different until the second grade, when I saw that I was attending two different classrooms, one "normal" and one "special." I actually made the decision then to be taught exclusively in the "normal" classroom, and since then I was in mainstream education. I was a somewhat average student (though my grades never fell below A's and B's), although I actually started taking my education more seriously in seventh grade, when I got my first straight A's, and I ended up graduating eighth in my high school class.
I started community college in 2002, studying computer science. It was a "two-year" college, but mostly because I hadn't taken the classes necessary for an Associate Degree in the course of two years, I stayed at college for two more years and decided to go for all the Computer Science Department's Associate Degrees and Certifications. I got two Associate Degrees with highest honors and two with honors. I transfered to the local upper-level college in fall 2006, where they scared me with some story that I would have to pay triple tuition because I acquired over a hundred credit hours at community college, but it turned out that many of the computer science classes I had taken didn't count in calculating the work needed for my Bachelor's, or something like that.
I hope to get my Bachelor's in December this year, but it largely depends upon what classes are offered when, which has been my greatest annoyance in attending upper-level college (and thus, I've only applied to graduate in the fall "just in case," and if I can't take the necessary classes by then, I'll have to stay until spring next year). I don't think I'll work for a Master's Degree since the upper-level coursework seems to be purely theoretical, in addition to my negative experience at upper-level college.
I really want to move out on my own, although there have been numerous obstacles in my path, chiefly the fact that I don't have a car. My parents for some reason forced me to learn how to drive (and I did pass and got my license) when I was in high school but then didn't get me a car, despite going through endless cars themselves and not handing anything down to me, and thus, I haven't driven in years and am somewhat afraid to do so again since I'm afraid I would get into accidents often, and I can't afford one myself (I get monthly Social Security payments, though since I live at home I can't acquire more than $2000 at a time, and I've mostly used my SS for college).
I also have a somewhat love/hate relationship with my family (currently, my mom, my dad, and my younger brother), who I feel are total strangers since they really don't understand me at all, and I find it difficult and embarrassing to talk to them about my problems (I actually feel more comfortable talking to complete strangers than my own family). There are specific things that annoy me about my family, such as the fact that they always choose to have dinner when the news is on (I really don't like politics, and the subject somewhat depresses me), and turn up the volume way loud, which I can't tune out even in my room).
My parents actually suggested I had depression at one point and I choose to see a psychiatrist who put me on Zoloft. I think the psychiatrist was a bit of a quack, though, since he really didn't diagnose me with anything and had a somewhat "take this medicine, it might help you" attitude after our sessions, and I've since stopped seeing him and taking antidepressants, which I feel didn't help me. I feel that my social problems stem entirely from my family, although my parents suggest "it's all in my head." I'm always afraid to speak out against my parents since whenever I try and stand up to them, they put me down with their words, which makes me feel sad, and I've found that I almost *never* win any arguments.
I do want to get out and live on my own so that I actually have some privacy and a life of my own, though I'm afraid that even then I'll be under my parents' son, that they'll bug me about my personal life, and such. I also fear that I won't amount to much after I've gotten my Bachelor's (even though my grades are good), that there won't be any work in my area, that I'll have to move (which I fear since I'm the least traveled member of my family and feel I wouldn't be able to find my way around where I live, Texas), and that I'll have to live with my parents until they're dead. I feel that no one cares about me, whether my parents, the media, even autism organizations (since they focus exclusively on autism in children and don't say anything about support for autistic adults).
I very much appreciate some reassurance, some advice, maybe, on how I can be happier and make the most of my life, if I can.
25 Feb 2008, 3:26 pm
