Hrm...I donno if I'm in the right place.

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I've been fairly seriously involved with an Aspie for over a year now. It's not always easy to explain/talk about our relationship with most of my non-Aspie friends. I'm not sure I always understand. I'm at the point now where I'm trying to decide how much to invest and if I'm in for the long haul. I'm looking for feedback and discussion. If I've stumbled into the wrong place, could someone direct me to the right one?

Just an example of some of the typical relationship issues I'm looking for support/understanding about:

E's passivity is something I continuely have to be conscience of, (especially when it comes to dealing with his controlling/domeneering exwife.) I feel I have to have loads of patience and understanding and give him pleanty of time to consider things.

His extreme social ackwardness at times can create uncomfortable situations, especially when he speaks exactly what's on his mind. Although this can be a form of entertainment for us in later conversation too.

He is very guarded emotionally and sometimes I attribute this to the extreme criticism and unacceptance he got from peers as a child. We have gone to parties where people who grew up with him at school, rode the bus, etc. have appologized all over themselves for being so cruel to him as a child. (He is 40, so he was before the Aspergers Diagnosis, back then you were mildly ret*d or something.)

And the biggest one is having to "buy him a clue" about so many things in the relationship that I have taken for granted in my past relationships. This is the big one for me and might be the deal breaker in our relationship. Things like a girl doesn't always want a practical gift for every occation.

Oh and (sex) there is some issues there too. -save this one for later.

Most of our friends understand our attraction - we are both very involved in creative careers and really connect and give each other a lot of space and understanding around that kind of lifestyle. But I do get comments like, "He is so clueless." "He's so shy/quiet." "He's in his own world." "He's self absorbed". And his vocabulary has brought conversations to a hault on more than one occassion.

I really enjoy time with him. We connect on many levels and are close, he has an innocent kind of affection for me at times that melts me. Right now I think I'm just looking for someone or people who understand these issues and maybe have some feedback on approaches to love relationships that help. Thanks.

Welcome to WP!

I came across a book once called "Living and Loving with Asperger Syndrome". It's written by a man (AS), his wife (NT), and their son (NT). It offers 3 different first hand accounts of the situations they have to deal with, and ways they've found of better coping with those situations. It isn't a self-help book or anything like that, but maybe having someone else's perspective would help you with your feelings and to make the decision you have to make.

Here's a link to that book, and some others appear at the bottom, but I've only read the one mentioned:

http://www.amazon.com/Living-Loving-Asp ... 1843107449

As for myself (AS), thus so far relationships haven't worked out past a year or 2...but I'm kind of hopeful that since I can now give guys a reason, they'll be able to better understand/accept that I'm not being weird/awkward/clueless on purpose. Good luck with everything!

Hi and welcome. Kudos to you for loving this special man. If you go by your own yardstick and not society's expectations I'm sure you'll continue to further develop and deepen your relationship. All that matters is how you feel about him. Best wishes!

Nice to meet you, CoraSandel.

Welcome to wrong planet, Cora Sandal. I hope you are in the right place? I am an Aspie married 46 years to a NT. It was hell for her most of that time. Maybe the most "mixed" of mixed marriages. I learned a lot, but not enough to keep her life from being miserable. But armed with a (self)diagnosis, we can both see which of my behaviors is probably Asperger's related (rather than male, stupid, selfish, etc.) I joined only a week ago and am already learning stuff that will people around me more at ease.

Welcome CoraSandel!

Wow. Thanks for the welcomes and replies. I've followed some of your links and will follow-up. It's such a sense of relief to read your responses and follow some of the links and my own feelings reflected. Thank you!

Hello CoraSandel and welcome to WP. I think you will find this place to be full of feedback and discussion.
Now before I give you my take on the issues you have been having, you might want to remember that I am only 17, and that my thoughts might be a little clouded by innocent idealism. If you can handle that, then read on:

Patience is a virtue indeed, one that even the best people sometimes lack. What is important here is not that you are patient, but that you know you ought to be! Everyone can loose patience around an indecisive person, especially if this person is someone you care about, and the answear seems obvious to you.
Apart from trust, patience and understanding make the main foundation for any relationship, romantic or otherwise, if you don't have the patience to allow your partner the time he/she needs, then you might want to reconsider the nature of the relationship.
I will say though; that patience can be trained and build, so if you really care about your partner, you can work to make things better.
You might also want to consider; would you rather have him just jump into everything without thinking it through?


Would you rather have him lie? Speaking ones mind is something that ought to be admired. Ofcourse this is not an excuse to be needlessly rude, but I would rather have somebody tell me something inappropriate and true, then an appropriate lie. Encourage your partner to be truthful, but descourage him from being rude when there is no need.


I hope you will forgive me for implying that you are old, but anyone you are likely to meet, who has lived for as long as you are bound to have some bagage. Some scars from a long gone past that is unlikely to ever fully heal. With the right care you can help him be less guarded, but I wouldn't expect him to magically become perfect.


This is actually my own biggest concern regarding any furture relationships I might have; I am often quite clueless about why people do as they do. I am aware of this issue, and I am guessing that so is your partner. I don't mind (Actually I encourage) that people are direct when they want something from me, but if you dislike being direct I can maybe ease your mind a little by saying that I am getting better at taking hints (I still don't understand why you would ever use hints rather than just saying what is on your mind) but I am picking up on the hints. Your partner can most probably learn this as well, but again I wouldn't expect him to magically get perfect at it. It is a lenghty affair, and it is hard work, but if he has stuck with you for over a year already, then chances are that he is willing to do it for you.


Well that is what the adult forum is for. Don't expect to see me in there though, adults are so childish

Anyway if you can read around all the idealism and adorable innocense, I think you might find something useful in my post. (You better do, I spend like 15 minutes on it )

Welcome once again to Wrong Planet!

Hi!

Welcome to Wrongplanet!

I think you are in the right place!

I hope you enjoy posting here!

To WrongPlanet!! !

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Are those people who tell you he's so self-absorbed or whatever joking or saying it in a fun way here they don't mean it at all but really mean that they like his focus? Or do they really mean it or aare annoyed by it or something? Those people can't be let to et away with that; who do they think they are making assumptions about him and making the world a more ignorant place with their comments? They need to be taken aside and told off.

Welcome CoraSandel.

We seem to be about the same age and I've been married for 10 years - so I'm a trained aspie.

You'll find a lot of info on my blog

http://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com

feel free to PM me if you have any questions about relationships at our age.

Alternatively, just post in the relevant forums and I'll probably answer.

Welcome to WP.