A complementary thank you to all who welcomed me back, I figure I may as well give you a little background on myself since this is a get to know you forum.
so I may as well say I am pretty much a gamer, been that way my whole life. Yes I have been diagnosed as an Aspie by about several different doctors for the sake of our insurance since they wanted to be absolutely certain. I'll be honest I don't have a plum clue what I want to do in terms of career. I mean the military didn't work out for me (USMC, lets just say I was able to get out of that without anything awful happening except the mental scarring), regular jobs I also have no success at. It goes without saying that if I want to do anything with my life it better be something I enjoy doing because I can't tolerate a job otherwise.
Well getting a little background, my earliest memory that I can recall is a feeling of abandonment by my peers who saw me as an outcast because I didn't have all the cool toys or what not so most of the time I found myself in the corner of the playground at recess observing or playing in my own imaginary world in my mind. One time I recall having stepped on a slug and over the following days observing how it slowly decayed away into dust. According to my mom teachers would talk to her and complain that I wasn't normal and that I needed medication and what not to be like the rest of the kids. They thought I was ADD, even though I clearly wasn't showing the typical ADD symptoms.
So for most of my young life past 5th or 6th grade I was home schooled by my mom since the school had no idea why I was so different and me having such trouble with my peers. The homeschooling according to the doctors that we visited recently considered it a God sent, and that affirmation helped assure my mom that she made the right decision. Though it was rough at first it formed a bond between me and mom for the rest of my life. There were highs and lows and for the longest time before we heard about Aspergers my dad always wondered why I had to do everything different from most people. Due to my sensitivity and his problem with quickly getting angry about things he couldn't understand you can imagine there was friction between me and him for a while there.
Of course being an adult now I don't really have that problem with him anymore. Being a Christian family I can tell you that God was pretty much the ONLY thing holding our family together at times. Mostly it was that friction between me and dad or my brothers and him during our teenage years and also arguments with my dad's relatives that often raised everyone's ire. I know there are some people who are sensitive about religion and what not so I won't go into too much.
Moving on, I've learned quite a few things during my 24 years of life on this Earth. One is that most people are intolerant of other people who are different from the norm and that you can't let those kind of people make you feel guilty or debilitated because you aren't like the rest. I tell ya I listened to those voices of doubt, guilt, shame, etc. just for being different for months on end from the end of 2007 to early 2008. All that guilt and shame put me into a harsh depression and mentally I felt like I was in a desolate mental wasteland where no amount of good will or one liner quotes could reach me. Suicide was a concept I have had throughout my life as well. As a child whenever my emotions overwhelmed me or I was so low that I wanted to die I figured suicide was a solution. I even threatened to stab myself with a knife, the only thing that stopped me was my mom. I even had times where I would try to run away only to come back a while later once I settled down. During my depression it was that way too, seeing death as an escape from the voices and the memories of failure and anger towards myself for being different from everyone. However that was then, before finally through the grace of God I came out of it with a powerful message during a deep meditation of prayer with my mom and a friend of hers. The message to me was a deep one and it has totally changed my mental state. From that point onward I was no longer depressed, I looked forward to days with joy and expectation. Now I finally feel I can continue on without inner voices nagging me of my shortcomings.
If a voice does arise in my mind about it, I nip the thought in the bud like a pet owner who keeps his dog in check with pull on a leash. I know its not that way for everyone here but I can declare that I was through all of such things and made it through the other side.
Thanks for reading if you did. This is more of a short summary of all that I have gone through but I will say to the rest of you guys or gals, don't give up the fight and don't let others tell you are worthless because each one of us is unique and cannot be recreated. We have been made for a special purpose or job that all those people who look down on us can never fill. Take courage and know that even though many of you are going through hell, even that must eventually pass even if it doesn't feel like it.
25 Apr 2008, 11:09 am
