Wife of an Aspie...Here For Info, Support, and Advice

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Hi all

My DH is an (undiagnosed) Aspie. We have 3 children, ages 29 months, 15.5 months, and 2 months. Our eldest (son) we suspect has some form of ASD, though he is not diagnosed yet. He does have an evaluation coming up very soon, though.

It seems we've come to a really rough patch in our marriage, and I am at a loss on how to help him/us.

Basically, I think the number one thing that concerns me is the amount that we fight, and over really stupid things. If I'm irritated, it seems he takes it as a personal insult and then a fight ensues because he can't just let me cool off. He needs to talk about it NOW, when I'm not ready. And when I'm angry, a lot of thoughts are going through my head and the last thing I want is to say something that I don't really mean because I'm angry. But he doesn't allow me to take that time to cool off. He insists I tell him what's wrong. We end up fighting if I don't tell him, and we end up fighting if I do tell him. I'm kind of at a loss as to what to do. He's slowly gotten worse over our marriage with how angry he gets and the things he says. He's told me he hates me, and he gets violent with himself. He bites his arms until there are purple bite marks on them, he chews his knuckles until they bleed, he slams his head against the walls or doors, and he's cut his arms with a knife or with unfinished ragged wood that's on the wall (we're in the process of finishing our bedroom and the walls are tongue-and-groove wood). He can't contain the anger, so he hurts himself...and frankly, it hurts me and scares me as well.

I think another thing is that I feel like I really can't talk to him. He is very black-and-white in his thinking, so anything that goes against what he thinks is "normal", is weird or wrong. Concepts like normal erogenous zones are lost on him. He thinks they're weird. He's sensitive to touch, so any light touching is out because it tickles too much...and for him, tickling is actually painful. So there's no such thing as an erogenous zone for him...which means he can't fathom that I would have them. And when I react because he's done something to one of my zones without realizing it, he says I'm weird. Which hurts, because I'm actually very normal.

I really do love my DH...sometimes I get very frustrated with him over these things, but on the whole, I do really love him and deeply care about him and I want to help him so that we can help us.

He is a wonderful father...I don't think I've ever seen another man who is such an amazing dad. The amount of affection he shows our children is such a beautiful thing to see. And he's really close to our eldest, not only because he's our firstborn son, but because he identifies with him. And I'm so glad DS#1 has a dad who can understand him. I foresee them being very close and being best friends. I don't want to make that relationship difficult by separating or divorcing, but it feels like unless we do something, that's exactly where it's headed. I love him, but right now I find myself not wanting to be with him. I feel like I have to get out in order to preserve my own sanity and so my children won't pick up his behavior during his angry outbursts. I'm tired of crying and I'm tired of hurting because of things he says to me. He was so different when we got married, but he's slowly become this irrational angry person. I love him and I don't want to leave him...I want to help him, but he has to want to help himself, too. I tried having him do a GF/CF diet and he didn't even give it a chance. He started "cheating" right away and saying that a little wouldn't hurt. So we never found out if it actually worked because he didn't give it time.

So I guess I'm just looking for advice and support...if there's nothing I can do, at the very least I would like to know that I'm not alone.

Thanks!

Welcome to WP!

To WrongPlanet!! !

Welcome, LoveMyAspieDH.

And I guess the obvious suggestion is that maybe you should get that "undiagnosed" changed to "diagnosed", or at least "self-diagnosed".

Many people here have said that there was a huge difference, just knowing why they behaved the way they did.

It makes it so much easier to come up with strategies that both of you can cope with. Simple things. Just recognising when you need a "time out", and each having a way to signal that need and respect the other's need.

Nice to meet you, LoveMyAspieDH.

I would agree that they DX is important in both of your understanding how you can work out problems in the relationship. Weither AS or NT...nobody is going to change if they don't think there is a problem...does he see a problem or does he think the problem is you?(I have experienced that,first hand....."You don't like my insulting you in public because you just have no sense of humor"...noope,didn't fix that guy...moved on)

I'm aspie and involved with an "aspie or very close to one"....it can work but only when both sides learn a way to communicate that wors for both of them.(Oddly,it is usually the aspie who needs to take "time out" before conitnueing a discussion..or even wrting it out instead of talking it out).

If he is not the same person you married...here is one thing to consider. Is the environment the same. Does he have more or less responsabilities to try and juggle? More multi-tasking or socializing for his job? All this things can leave some aspies(me)feeling over whelmed,over stimulated and on edge. My last job I was exploding because people wouldn't load the dish washer in the "logical way"...even after I had plainly explained it to them Even when I knew it was not logical for it to upset me to the degree it did....I still get a bit flustered thinking about ...WHY oh WHY would anyone put a thin plastic item in the bottom of the dishwasher were it will obviously melt or warp!! ! (It does help if you can laugh at yourself...he can learn)

I hope that helps a bit. I have been in so many bad relationships(mostly with NTs) that I know aspie males don't hold the market on frustrating behavior...I might just have a bit myself?

ASDs aren't usually diagnosed, or just named PDD-NOS until the age of five. This is because interaction with other children in Kindergarden will most likely be impaired.

Sounds like he's quite lucky to have you. Many other women might have immediately dismissed his behavior as crazy or immature upon first meeting him, and their interaction with him would not have progressed to marriage. People with symptoms not nearly as bad as his can still find it difficult to find a suitable spouse. Do you think making these facts known to him will increase his motivation to work with you on the relationship issues?

this sound a lot like a rough patch my husband and i went through. Have you tried counseling? It is a life saver. Some counseling will even pro rate fees to help the financial stress. In spite of being both aspies, we still didnt know how to communicate. Counseling definitely helps couples to learn how to be able to argue and talk in a respectful manner. Strike while the iron is hot. You still love him and you want it to work. That is the best time. I was really reactive and took things personally quite often. I also yelled because i thought that is what people did. apparently they dont.
You are not alone. There are a lot of wise and weathered aspies around here. and some just weathered. there is a way through this... I am living proof. When you are upset, i can almost guarantee that it matters to him or he would not get so upset. It probably puts him in a tailspin to find out if he hurt your feelings and didnt know it. I know what also set me off was not being understood or able to express my feelings. That, and if my husband is irritated with me. For some reason if he ever treated me like a nuisance, or said something to that nature. I hope you can find some solace here.

I can sympathize - I'm AS (as far as I can tell) and my missus is NT. We did the test (there's one in the members' forum) and we hardly intersect at all. We fight all the time, and I'm surprised we're still together. I can't understand her, and she can't understand me.

Have to agree with the other folks here, it might help if he comes by the site, and gets some exposure. I've managed to learn a little in the short time I've been here, not sure if it's helping the marriage, but at least I have a better idea what to look out for.

welcome

Greetings and welcome I wanted to address a few things bear in mind I may be wrong but I consider myself pretty knowledgeable. Here are a few parts of your post I wanted to address.

I've noticed as an undiagnosed or more potentially self diagnosed aspie it is common for us to be more sensitive to others feelings. Sometimes in that raw emotional level there is some basis for objective truth without the sugar coating and such.



Even if he has Aspergers it’s uncommon to be this self destructive. He may have other problems that may be with or because of his aspergers if it’s because I'm talking bout changes in his personality that may have just become comfortable to him. If it’s not then it’s possible he has some other psychological disorder.



EDIT: Forgot to address this point. I am as well guilty of this which caused a very bad break up with my last ex due to the differences in opinion we both had differences one of the biggest being that I initially broke up with her due to her sleeping in the same bed with a gay man. I felt this was inappriorate considering she was my gf and she didn't look at it the same way. I'm not going to address the zones aspect of this its more personal then I like to go into with people I just met.


weird is a frame of reference thing and personally has no real standards. To be concerned over if your weird or not reeks of self-consciousness which I don't understand as if you were "weird" that does not make you any less deserving of the respect needed to continue a relationship it also does not mean that your not lovable while weird in DH's frame of reference.



Every women gets frustrated with things about men you sound very much like my ex who I still love but realize that we are incompatible. I understand your want to heal him but aspergers is not something you heal it’s a different configuration in which even if you manage it like a illness (which I'm sorry its not) your ignoring the bigger picture. Again I don't know your situation but to me it seems that it’s possible he’s not putting in the full energy into helping your relationship.




Please understand I'm not trying to be intentionally cruel but this may come off that way. He is not a good father let me tell you why ... First off if he’s hurting you he’s hurting the children however indirect it is it is still happening. Second, he hurting himself is indirectly harming the child. He is trying to make up for those short comings with all the attention to the kids in the end that’s not good enough. These problems in your marriage are not from aspergers specifically and there are of course multiple variables to this problem. I think possibly as suggested earlier relationship therapy could help but in the end I also feel you might want for the betterment of your situation and your children to leave if he continues emotionally or verbally abusive behavior.


Anytime I hope what I said helps you again not all of it is 100% true but I only go by personal experiences. I myself have had several long lasting relationships my trouble is that I love the person but fall out of love of them and commonly pick women who are incompatible with how opinionated, stubborn, and some of my other personality quirks. In the same vein I will also say that I have never treated a woman wrongfully and all my exs would probably be in a relationship with me if I chose to pursue them again.

EDIT: if you ever want more advice or such or just need to vent ya can always pm me. I'm usually bored and will supply you with a definitive long winded response.

Violence is never good. Has he tried for some help? He needs help

Hello,

I think we are living very similar lives. My husband is an undiagnosed Aspie. We have 3 sons aged 9, 8 and 4. The older 2 have been diagnosed with Asperger's and our youngest is showing very strong traits. I will seek diagnosis for our youngest before he starts school.

Our marriage almost fell apart a couple of years ago. We didn't have violence, but other issues you describe are eerily similar. My husband is also an amazing father.

Below I have copy a pasted information I have previously posted about a support group I went to with Professor Tony Attwood (Asperger's / Autism expert).

I hope this information helps. I recommend the book 'Alone Together' by Katrin Bentley.


I attended a support group for partners of people with Asperger's yesterday. Tony Attwood attended (volunteering his time) and stayed for 3 hours. There were 20 women and 1 man (he has an Aspie wife).

Also there was another psychologist from Minds and Hearts (volunteering her time) and the author of 'Alone Together' - Katrin Bentley. Her book outlines her 20 year marriage to her husband who has Asperger's.

I have met a lot of women who have divorced their husbands with Asperger's.

But this group were women absoutely committed to their marriage.

Tony facilitated the discussion and there were many similarities in our experiences including:
- Our men are really kind, nice people and we love them.
- Despite the difficulties, we are committed to staying married (some women there had 30+ years marriage)
- Our men wooed us/romanced us at the beginning of the relationship. Once we were married, this stopped.
- We all agreed we often felt starved for affection and attention from our husbands.
- Many reported husbands having meltdowns and saying extraordinarily cruel things to us (this includes myself). The husband did not know how hurtful their comments were.
- Once we told the husbands about how hurtful these comments were - the husbands often expressed sorrow because they said it in heat, and did not realise the long-term hurt we feel.
- Many stated we felt like we had lost our identity. Tony Attwood reported Asperger's is 'infectious' in that we generally adapt to our husbands ways and drastically reduce our level of socialisation we'd had when we'd been single.
- An incredibly amount of us (including me) stated we often felt like we felt we had lost our sanity. This was because others cannot understand our experience, and if we tried to address problems we had with our husbands they told us we were crazy/insane. This was often repeated over years.
- Quite a few reported having to flee the house with their children regularly when their husbands melted down and became violent.

Some women (like me) had worked through the difficulties and were now very happy in their marriage. Others were in crisis, but committed to working things out.

Some ideas to keeping our marriages happy included:
- Ensuring the NT partner maintains her own hobbies and friendships and spends time socialising away from her husband.
- Understanding about the parts of Asperger's that we cannot change, and accepting this.
- Changing the way we communicate with our husbands - they cannot read our facial expression/body language so we need to be very direct with what we want.
- Asperger's husbands need to realise that just because they are happy, doesn't mean the rest of the family is. (I know my husband used to live in his own world, hardly speak to me but he was happy. When I told him I wasn't happy, he would not believe me, told me I obvioulsy had serious mental issues and I should take some pills. This went on frequently for years.)
- Asperger's husband needs to ensure they allow their wife at least a few hours every week break away from the children/household responsibilities.
- Asperger's husband needs to ensure their wife has time away to socialise with her friends + spend time on her own hobbies/interests.
- Husband and wife need to discuss what they want/need. For example, I told my husband I needed 1 hug and kiss every morning and every afternoon. He now does this because he knows it's what I need from him.
- Husbands with anger issues need to seek help.

There was a big box of tissues and I swear every women there cried at least once. There was also lots of laughter!

I know I was sobbing and sobbing (with relief) when one woman said that for a long time she had thought she was losing her sanity and many others agreed. I didn't know so many others felt this way!!

Tony Attwood reported that often men with Asperger's marry 'extreme Neurotypicals' - those who are extremely empathetic and nuturing.

We agreed that we would meet 1/month. We will probably have to split into smaller groups as the group grows.

As a group, we were committed to staying married and making it work.

I know from above, it sounds like it was negative, but really it wasn't. We spent a long time discussing all the kind, caring things our husbands have done.

We also discussed that great advances in society due to the innovation of people with Asperger's.

Tony Attwood reported he often tells politicians that our society needs people with Asperger's. He tells politicians we need to support people with Asperger's + support their families.

I think Tony learned a lot from us too! After the session he told us he had only intended attending the first meeting. However he said he would now attend every second meeting, and he will organise different psychologists for the times he couldn't come.

Welcome LoveMyAspieDH!

Hi!

Welcome to Wrongplanet!

I hope you enjoy posting here!

Smelena, thanks for your excellent post. It got me thinking about my relationship and about how much responsiblilty I shunt off onto my wife. My social, status, and monetary needs, are very low and I would be happy to live in a small home and spend my time walking, hiking, reading and listening to music etc.

I don't know if your group talked about it, but I can see where an NT wife would be unduly burdened by the self contained nature of many aspies. Some of us need to appreciate the pressure we put on others, thanks. Bobert