Hello,
I am a new person on here. I have never been officially diagnosed with any condition, but it is abundantly clear that I have some form of Asperger's or Autism/PDD disorder. I look forward to reading accounts of those with similar experiences to myself.
I imagine it is difficult to openly discuss such issues due to the social stigma of being a "tardo". But when I read descriptions from this and many other sites about Asperger's et al. they seem to be getting inside my head.
Based on all external indicators, I do not seem to fit the "autism" stereotype. I am in my late 20's with a post-graduate degree. I am a well-liked pastor who spends a great deal of time seeking to be empathetic with and counseling people.
I have been tested as having a highly above average IQ but have very little interest in numbers or math. I am artistic and have been a professional guitarist, both performing and as an instructor. I also like to read and write fiction.
I have been recognized as a very good public speaker and had several lead roles in High School and College theater, yet I find it excruciating to make small talk.
Even though I am externally successful and work in a highly interactive and social field, I find that social interaction drains me terribly. It may be compared to when I attempted to run a direct-x Windows video game on a Linux system with a Windows emulator. It was able to run, but ran at about one third the frames per second. For every computation and action had to be virtualized and translated from one system to another.
My brain operates non-native social software on Asperger hardware. Because it is a fast brain, it is able to fake it, but only in an emulated way and not near as well as if it were "wired" to do so.
When people say something to me of an emotional nature such as "my grandma died", I take a moment to think, "That is a sad situation which should elicit various empathetic responses." Then I quickly brainstorm, "I should put on a sad face, try to look soft and open, and say something." Saying "awwwwhhhh," usually buys me a few seconds to think of something more constructive to say and to formulate a better reaction.
It seems cold, but this is the way I have always had to deal with social interaction.
I'm glad to have found this site.
Jason
15 May 2008, 8:59 pm
