Watching from outside

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Hello guys,
My name is Mike I am a 28 year old self diagnosed Aspie(which was confirmed by a psycotherapist last year) living in Denver Colorado. I have never really reached out to others whom are like me before but reading about one WIll Freund changed my mind. I was struck first of all by a sense of desperation to be accepted which I think we all feel and the intensity of what I commonly refer to as a "crash" I've scanned around these forums a bit and have noticed some use the term "meltdown" I wonder if this is the same thing. I know this. Usually I am either "high" or "low" sometimes I find a state of bliss which I call "plateus"which I am neither high nor no. not overly excitable but not depressed. I'm mellow I am level I am "me" If I get to "high"(which has nothing to do with drugs as I take none) than what comes after is the scariest part of my journy through everyday life. I call it either a crash or a spiral depending upon 1 it's intensity 2 it's degree of change and 3 the length of time it takes to go from "high" to "low" it is in the "crashes"where I have thrown objects against walls, cursed and screamed and people who love me and people that don't,cried so hard that I develop a headache and screamed out to anyone who might be hearing in the cosmos that I want to die and why I can't just die. I can deal with being high and will admit it is kinda fun I can evenn deal with being low though I have a hjard time getting anything accomplished during these moments(atypical to clenical depression which I think is a byproduct of high functioning autism) but the crashes are rough for me to whether and rough for those around me to watch which is why I usually suffer privately. A few other things that may have added to my depression

I lost my brother when I was 23 he was 26 He was my best friend and died suddenly in a car wreck

I am going through a divorce

When I was married I constantly got the feeling that my wife did not care about me she simply watched me spiral and blamed me for the outcome.

I am living back with my folks now and find myself having less and less of a desire to go out and interact with peoplesocialy I would ust mnuch rather hang out in IRC chat rom and on IM programs which I feel are more conrolled situations.

I feel alone more often than I should I wish that I could change this one way or another.
I wish I coulda met Will so that I could tell him hey I know it sucks but ya gotta hang on and if you can't than let me hang on for you.

I don't like what he did but I don't think he was a monster Society will paint that picture of him though

in as much the same way they paint me as a reclusive weird fat guy

Being a high functioning autistic presents an interesting challenge because unlike someone with retardation we are very much aware of our issue yet we cannot change it.

I originally labeled it as a defect but really it'snot in many ways it's a gift,,,,,,,,, a very expensive gift.
If you understand anything that I;ve said here. If you hear me than please respond
Thanx
Mike

welcome to wrongplanet, gnosis.

sounds as though you're having a really tough time. hang on in there - there are loads of people here who will understand what's it's like, and can share their experiences with you. have a good look around the board, and you'll see what i mean.

take care.

Vivi
(as Mod)

Thankyou so much for the replay I had no idea anyone but me would be upat this late hour(4:30amhere in Colorado) Today marks my 29th year on the planet(even if it is the wrong one) and I have become an expert at hanging in there. Digging a trench in the sanctity of my dreams and waiting for the fallout of life to pass by so that I might take to the road again. THis after all is my only real choice the alternative is unthinkable
M

Hi Gnosis, welcome!

Trust me, here you aren't wierd at all, we're all just different people come together. I doubt anyone here makes value judgements about size, appearance or other mere physical aspects. We're just happy to have you here as you are!

I'm glad you don't see yourself as defective any more. To me, you sound like an intelligent, caring guy who no doubt has many gifts.
I like the way you phrase it "a very expensive gift". That's a great way of putting it!

I hope things will soon start to improve for you. I've been down too but there is always another morning to begin again.

Feel free to PM me if things get too hard to deal with on your own.

LOL

i'm in the UK, hon - it's only midday here.

and happy birthday!

Yeah Michael J Fox once described Parkinson's as the gift that keeps on taking. I view autism in much the same way there are amazing things that I have leartned that I would not have been able tolearn if I were not autistic. But it does come at a real high price. The anxiety and depression I get to wade through can be very debilitating almost to the point that I cannot even function some days.
Ever get days like that?

Oh yeah. I get plenty of days like that. I'm often to be found staring blankly at the TV, not really watching it but just trying to withdraw from the world around me. Yeah those days suck.
I don't suffer as much from anxiety as I used to, but there was a point 4-5 years ago (I'm 30 now), when I'd be having panic attacks on an almost daily basis. I am so glad I managed to get past that, it was really damaging for me at the time. Prozac and a great councillor got me past that point.

However, looking on the bright side - I do believe that AS is a very important part in what makes me special. I've often been told I've got a unique way of looking at the world that people find interesting and my depth of thought is enviable. Who am I to argue?
From my time here, it seems just about everybody else here seems to have those positive attributes too.

Welcome Gnosis. I can relate to what you are saying. Some of it does sound like bipolar though. For a long time I thought I might be bipolar.
What I finally realized is that when I had a steady routine and didn't have to interact with people so much, my mood stablized.

I agree with the "expensive gift" that really expresses the way I feel.

Heya Gnosis, sounds like you are going through a rough patch. I hope you will find WrongPlanet a good place to talk when you need to.

Kitten

P.S. Well deduced! Most of us refer to 'crashes' as meltdowns. Crashes is probably a more vivid description and meltdown can be a tad misleading: it's less about a candle slowly melting and more about a spontaneous combustiong of your brain!

Welcome to WrongPlanet! I, like PhoenixKitten, do think that 'crash' is much more suitable and accurate term than 'meltdown'.

Wow you guys have been so nice thank you all for welcoming me. I never really thought that what I have might be bipolar I have had friends with the disorder and where I can see some similarities most of my crashes are situational not random I'm just now starting to understand fully what triggers those rollarcoaster rides and working to lessen them. I have other obvious autistic traits I stim, I have a realintrest in subjects like religion and psychology I am terrible at small talk. I am a very music oriented person I also love to sing. What's really weird is I can be on stage at a karaoke show and singing and not be the least bit nervous but if I leave that stage and step into that crowd I'm done, put a fork in me. Peoplealways seem to feel the need to approch meand I'dmuch rather just make a v-line to my chair and sit and drink my soda till it's myturn to sing again. I do make friends here and there and I hold my friends very close but most people in generalI just can't deal with. I'm also not very good at taking compliments it makes me very uncomfotable when a simple "thank you" isn't enough. Though I said I am into religious studies I'm not particularly religious I find the intangibility of a personal God to be very offsetting. I don't think such a God exsists though I do consider myself to be spiritually minded. Overall I guess you could say I am a complex induvidual who enjoys simple things. Pizza, a good movie, sunsets, hanging out with my small but important circle of friends, music beauty, love
Simple stuff
Mike

*grins* In a world of morons, it's nice to find a few 'complex individuals'! Not that there are ANY morons on here, of course! *hits head with a hammer several times*

Gnosis,

You make a really good point about autism being a gift. It does lend each of us special attributes, but we pay a major price for them. The social costs can be unbearable at times. Like you, I have a small but select group I hang with. In fact, I have more friends now than I ever had. But I feel like I have to work a lot harder than the average bear to keep those friendships going. I worry about even my best friends losing contact with me...mostly because they're so caught up in their everyday lives that they don't have time to include me in them. To complicate things, I'm too much of an introvert to say, "Hey, remember me?" I've lost a couple of potentially really good friends that way, and I hope never to lose any more.

As you get to know us better, you'll find a lot of us are in your boat when it comes to anxiety and depression. We all have different reasons for it, but I know how it is to suffer through it. Not easy, especially if you have nobody to reach out to.

Like the rest of us, I'm glad you've reached out and decided to be a part of WrongPlanet. And thanks for spending your birthday with us! I hope this year's a little better for you.